Power Tools for Leadership: Don't Just Say No [leadership]

I want to tell you about a tool called, The Positive No coined by William Ury, Director of the Global Negotiation Project at Harvard, in his book The Power of a Positive No. I have been astounded by the number of times I have applied this tool in the last month.

A board asks its executive director to take on additional responsibilities as budgets are cut and positions are lost.

A leadership team wants to censure an employee in a way that runs counter to the director’s ethical standards.

A lawyer counsels a small business owner that he needs to license his product.

In all these cases, my clients wanted to say ‘no.’ No to taking on additional responsibilities, no to an unethical censure and no to licensing. The key word here is ‘wanted.’ Is it okay to say no? All the what-if’s start showing up: What if I lose my job? What if my team rebels and stops producing? What if the lawyer is right? In all cases, Ury says we can fall into a trap:

The Trap of the 3 A’s
We accommodate as in, “Sure, whatever you say.” This inevitably leads to resentment.

We attack as in, “Over my dead body! I’m in charge here.” This escalates conflict and tension.

We avoid as in, “I am not going to say anything and hope this whole issue disappears.” This results in festering problems that erupt.

Ury’s approach is deceptively simple. He says that a positive no has three elements: Yes! No. Yes? Let’s quickly review them.

Yes!
Every ‘no’ has a deeper yes. Imagine the roots of a tree. This deeper yes is comprised of the interests, values and needs that ground you in something positive. Something you stand for and believe in. Something that nourishes and sustains you. For the executive director being asked to take on additional responsibilities, his deeper yes was his commitment to serving the population his organization was created to serve. Taking on additional responsibilities would mean the core mission of the organization would be compromised and people would not be served.

Some tips on the Yes!

Communicate your deeper yes before you say ‘no.’

Be respectful: Your deeper yes is a shield that protects your values, not a sword to be brandished at your opponent.

Acknowledge that you may not agree and look for shared interests.

No.
Your ‘No’ is the trunk of your tree. It is stable and unmoving, grounded as it is in deep roots of commitment. The executive director’s ‘no’ was to taking on additional responsibilities.

Some tips on the No.

Create a Plan B. Be prepared with a strategy you can implement if your ‘no’ is rejected. This can vary from leaving the organization to enlisting allies to withdrawing your cooperation—the key is to have a plan you are fully prepared to implement. Which leads to the next tip...

Don’t threaten. Neither your ‘no’ nor your Plan B is a threat; it is a confidence building move for yourself. It means you don’t have to punish the other person when things don’t go your way. You simply implement your Plan B.

Educate. Explain the reality you see unfolding if your no is rejected.

Yes?
The process ends with a yes because what you want is for the other person to accept your ‘no,’ without closing down communication or feeling disrespected or rejected. Imagine the branches and leaves of a tree reaching out for agreement and the preservation of a relationship. For the executive director, this meant acknowledging the board’s concerns, offering alternative approaches to managing the additional responsibilities and suggesting ways to sell this approach to key donors.

Some tips on the Yes?

Listen and acknowledge the other side

Suggest a problem solving approach

Be respectful and constructive

If you are beginning to imagine how you might use this tool in your own life, read the book. It is a small book that is well organized and offers so much more than space allows here.

Let me leave with you a quote from the book:

“Every day each of us is faced with choices, small and large, where saying Yes to one choice means having to say No to others. Only by saying No to competing demands for your time and energy can you create space for the Yeses in your life, the people and activities that really matter the most to you. Here is the paradoxical secret: you cannot truly say Yes until you can truly say No.”

Do You Have A Leadership Strategy? [Leadership]

Strategy is Overrated

I have been struck by how often my clients come to me with questions about strategy.

What is the best way to…?

How should I…?

How can I avoid/encourage/deflect…?

There are some assumptions embedded in this approach (which we all fall pray to, by the way) that are not particularly helpful.

Unhelpful assumption #1: Situations can be manipulated
If I stage the conversation or paint the picture in a particular way or if I time the move just right… Do you really think the people in your organization (or your stakeholders) don’t know (or won’t find out) that they are being played? And who are you being as you implement the strategy? Are you comfortable with trying to force an outcome? There is a kind of hubris to this approach that isn’t who you are at your core.

Unhelpful assumption #2: There is a right way: If I get it right, I can avoid conflict, inflict less pain, and protect myself from a big ‘after the fact’ clean-up effort or come out smelling like roses. Mmm. As long as you hold to this assumption, you always only have a 50% chance of being right and you or someone else is going to get it wrong aren’t they? And that just opens the door to that lovely voice of judgment that berates you (and those around you) for not measuring up to the moment.

Unhelpful assumption #3: I have to have figured this out in advance
Too often we mistake planning for controlling. Please anticipate needs (your own and others) and reactions. By all means think about what you are going to do or say beforehand. But don’t deceive yourself into believing that even your best effort is complete when you are only strategizing with yourself (or a trusted few others).

So what is a well-intentioned leader to do?

Get clear about your own values and think about what it would look like to approach the situation in a way that allows you to be your most comfortable, honest and real self.

Build up your tolerance for the hard stuff. When you are in the ‘business’ of working with and serving people, you are bound to encounter pain, discomfort and conflict. If you keep strategizing to avoid it, you are either in the wrong profession or you have yet to discover how amazing people can be when they are witnessed in all their humanity and given the opportunity for their creativity to shine through.

Expand your network and keep asking for feedback. Keep talking to the people you know you ‘should’ be talking to. Ask them who else you should be talking to. Talk to the people who are the stakeholders of those people. And do a lot of listening. Listen for new perspectives. What do these people know and understand that you may have been undervaluing? What ideas have gone underground? Put your ear to the floor and find out.

Finally, two resources about Leadership in Uncertain times that really make sense. A 13 minute interview (or transcript) with Marshall Goldsmith on 6 questions leaders should be asking and 5 sound leadership strategies for today’s economy that stand you in good stead no matter the circumstances written by Kate Sweetman, a leadership consultant. My favorite quote from the Sweetman article:

“…when people at the top of the house essentially cease to communicate with the rest of the organization, they need to snap out of it. They are not writing an economics term paper. They are leading an organization, and that means interacting with the people who are looking to them for guidance, and providing those folks with the truest picture the leader can draw about their collective future.”

Power Tools for Leadership: Balance Advocacy with Inquiry [leadership]

I periodically share what I consider to be power tools for leadership. In his book Principle Centered Leadership, Steven Covey explains, “Real leadership power comes from an honorable character and from the exercise of certain power tools and principles.” The metaphor is apt. In order to use a power tool safely, you need courage and skill; you ought to be sure that the tool is appropriate for the purpose and you must take care not to do damage.

This month’s tool comes from Bill Joiner’s toolkit with some support from Peter Senge. As a leader, you have conversations all day long. And you know that some of those conversations are, or have the potential to be, transformative- but they fall short. You and your team are frustrated and productivity suffers.


Step 1: Surface Your Own Assumptions

Reflect on a recent conversation that left you frustrated. On the left side of a sheet of paper, record the conversation (as if it were a transcript) to the best of your ability. On the right hand side, write what you were thinking and feeling during each part of the discussion. Now examine your own thinking.

What was your frame for this conversation? How were you thinking about its purpose?

What assumptions did you make about the situation or the person?

What are you learning about your own behavior?

You might want to try this with your leadership team after a particularly challenging conversation. Let everyone share the results of the two-column exercise and discuss the questions together.


Step 2: Practice Your Dialogue SkillsThere are two basic skills and two supporting strategies. Try these tools first without the power turned on (i.e. in low risk situations):

SKILLS

Advocate: Clearly state your perspective on the issue, the goals or the solution.
Inquire: Invite the perspective of the person you are speaking with after every statement of advocacy you make.

STRATEGIES

Illustrate: Offer concrete observations and examples so that others can better understand your rationale. When you inquire, ask others to do the same.
Frame: At frequent intervals in the conversation, step back and clarify the purpose, make your assumptions explicit or explain why this conversation is important to you.

Step 3: Check your intentions

Are you really open to other viewpoints? Do you believe that collaborative conversations will yield a better result?

Step 4: Watch for Traps

Many of us advocate without inquiring—(we tell it like we see it and let the chips fall where they may) or inquire without advocating (we figure out where everyone else stands, hold our cards close to the chest, and look for our best tactical advantage). This breeds mistrust and is antithetical to transformative conversation. Covey calls this coercive power. His meaning is clear.

Sometimes our intentions are good but our lack of clarity means that we are arguing over different things. Diligent framing and illustrating is often the solution.


Step 5: Power Up

Once you are comfortable using the dialogue skills, bring them into your transformative conversations. Share the tool with your colleagues and periodically discuss how well you are all doing in using them.

Play More and Argue Less [Leadership]

In this post recession economy, you might be feeling a little victimized by circumstances outside of your control. Maybe you feel like your capacity is being sorely tested. Or maybe you feel that your people are not up to the challenge. I would like to link you to two resources that will get you thinking about 2 areas where you do have control: your style of communication and the way you structure work in your organization. They are short, engaging and probably just about all you have time for right about now:


The first resource:

Jonathan Fields, a self-declared career renegade offers 7 Tips to Lose an Argument. What he really does for us is provide clear and digestible suggestions for having conversations that not only yield results but build relationships. His tongue in cheek article helps us see what there is to lose when our only focus is on “winning” an argument.


The second resource:



In this half hour talk, Tim Brown, the CEO of IDEO talks about why play and playfulness matters in organizations. I strongly urge you to watch the presentation. You will want to share it with your staff and talk about it at home! I know you are skeptical (You are, aren’t you?) so I am also going to share a slimmed down summary provided by Garr Reynolds. And since you asked, Garr Reynolds, formerly of Apple, is an associate professor of management at Kansai University in Japan. He is also the author of a blog entitled, Presentation Zen.

Fear inhibits us and often prevents us from taking chances or sharing our ideas with others. It leads us to be overly conservative and to keep our “wild ideas” inside.

Playfulness can be pragmatic as well. It helps us find better solutions, more creative answers to complex problems.

Construction play is a powerful way to learn (classic “learning by doing”) for kids. Adults can do this too (called “thinking with your hands”). This behavior is about prototyping and quickly getting something in the real world “...and having your thinking advanced as a result.”

Role play can be used to experiment with non-physical designs such as health-care services, educational settings, etc. We should take role-playing more seriously (as children do). Role play is important for putting ourselves in the shoes of the end users, looking at the world and experiences from their point of view. Role play is an empathizing tool.

Play is not anarchy. There are rules, especially for group play. Play also involves negotiation. One does not play all the time — we need to learn to transition in and out of play. You can be a serious professional (or student) and be playful.

A Sudden Sweet Shot of Joy [Life]

I recently had an unexpected delay at the airport and bought a paperback novel to pass the time. It has been a long time since I have been able to satisfy my thirst for good fiction. I usually go to the library and comb the new book shelves for first-time authors. I have found many gems that way. So the book I chose, In the Woods by Tana French, is an Edgars Award winner for best first novel. At the end of the 4th chapter I found the following:

“Out of absolutely nowhere I felt a sudden sweet shot of joy, piercing and distilled as the jolt I imagine heroin users get when the fix hits the vein. It was my partner bracing herself on her hands as she slid fluidly off the desk, it was the neat, practiced movement of flipping my notebook shut one handed, it was my superintendent wriggling into his suit jacket and covertly checking his shoulder for dandruff, it was the garishly lit office with a stack of maker-labeled case files sagging in the corner and even rubbing up against the window. It was the realization, all over again, that this was real and it was my life.”

This was one of the best descriptions I have ever read of what it is like when you are fully present and in-the-moment. You see everything clearly, without the inner voice of judgment. You don’t have all the mind chatter about what else you really should be doing right now. This was not only a rare moment for the character in this book; it is a rare moment for all of us.

When I start to work with clients I often ask them to think of a “peak moment” in their life. You can try it too. Think of a time when you were totally and completely present. Fully awake to what was going on around you such that you can really recreate that moment (and I am literally talking abut a moment—not the summer when or the day that…) in all its details, using all your senses. Really, stop reading and think of a time…

The next step is to figure out why this moment called you out of your usual stuck-in-the-musings-of your-mind place and woke you up. Usually, it is because in that moment you were fully honoring your values. When my clients tell me these stories, we look for what was important to them about the moment and begin to name and clarify the values that really resonate with them. The character in my novel really valued partnership, familiarity, and a well defined task. It is when he stops acting in accordance with those values that things really go awry for him.

And that is the next place for you to look, too. Take a look at the values that stood out in your peak moment. Don’t worry if they are “socially acceptable” or “popular” or don’t fit into one neat word like love or family. Now look at the way you are leading your life today. On a scale of 1-10, how well are you honoring those values now? What would be different if you could shift just one troublesome area from honoring your values at a 4 to honoring them at an 8?

Can Your Team Deliver? [Leadership]

Steel workers do it, can you? No, you don’t have to reheat steel or roll it or whatever it is that steel mill workers actually do.
But…

Can you work with your co-workers, fellow committee members, or family members to tackle complex tasks that you know a lot about?

Can you give each other meaningful incentives for coming up with workable solutions together?

Can you be sure that the solutions you come up with will be implemented?

These are the three criteria to successful teamwork isolated by a new research study using data from steel minimills, published in the Journal of Labor Economics. It shows that there is measurable payoff when companies invest time in supporting employees to work together on complex problem-solving.

We all know though, that simply putting a group of people in a room to solve a problem is not always effective. We have all been in frustrating, ineffective meetings that create more problems than they solve. Think about a team you are on now (your volunteer committee, your professional colleagues, your family) and ask yourself:

Can we be open about expressing our opinion?
Are our meetings compelling and productive?
Do we get bogged down and are decisions hard to come by?
Can we give each other difficult feedback about poor performance?
Can we rise above our self-interest and act on behalf of the group?

If you answered no to even one of these questions, then you should look at a powerful model for creating the conditions that support effective teamwork developed by Patrick Lencioni. In The Five Dysfunctions of a Team he outlines 5 conditions which must be present to ensure effective results. The first and most basic is trust.

How do you build trust?

>Do things together: shared experiences build trust.
>Follow-through on your commitments to each other over and over again.
>Learn about and welcome what you each contribute.
>Allow yourself to be vulnerable—for real; fake shows of vulnerability are transparent to all.
>If you are the leader, don’t punish vulnerability! When someone owns up to a weakness, respect them for it.

Leading Change? Ask the Right Questions [leadership]

Have you read Community: The Structure of Belonging by Peter Block? Block’s book is for people who care—about their communities and schools and organizations. It is for people who may be cynical about our usual way of creating change. Block offers a detailed blueprint for how to create a community in which accountability and commitment are primary. He points us toward a new way of leading that honors what is possible when people are valued, connected and allowed to take responsibility for their own future.

Right in the middle of the book, Block hones in on a critical precondition: The need to pay more attention to the questions we ask as we convene people to create change. It is not that we have not been asking questions all along. It is that the questions we ask narrow our possibilities, absolve us of responsibility and assume that change can be “controlled into existence.” Here are a few of the questions that reflect the old mindset:

How do we get others to show up and be committed?
How do we get others to be more responsible?
How do we get others to buy into our vision?
Who has solved this elsewhere and how do we import that knowledge

And here are the powerful questions that have the potential to transform:

What is the commitment you hold that brought you into this room?
How valuable do you plan for this effort to be?
What declaration of possibility can you make that has the power to transform the community and inspire you?
What is the story you keep telling about the problems of this community?
What is your contribution to the very thing you complain about?
What are the gifts you have that you do not fully acknowledge?

Can you feel the difference? These questions ask something of all of us. In answering them we are already taking a stance—even if that stance is to disengage. These questions make it hard to be indifferent. They require us to bring our whole selves into the room. They assume that the communal agenda emerges out of our personal concerns and there is a little bit of an edge to them. They are not easy to answer.

Ask yourself these questions, and then find a few other people in your community and talk about them together. See what happens. Let me know.