talk about the small annoyances

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Small annoyances grow into large annoyances. And sometimes into crises.

Not always—but more often than we like to admit.

 

Small annoyances are….

 

Harsh or nagging emails

A knee-jerk, “no”

A need to publicly prove others wrong

Lateness or laxity

Passivity when you need energetic initiative

Aggressiveness when you need thoughtful reflection

Indecision

Rigidity

 

Often out of the goodness of our hearts, we dismiss our annoyed reaction. Everyone has a bad day, right? We would want the same courtesy. This is an important instinct. And we have to watch when we are relying on it a bit too much. When the annoyance becomes a pattern of behavior and we still hold back from saying something.

 

When is it appropriate to hold back?

 

When you are overwrought and too emotional to control your response

When you have no time to take in the reaction

When you are not sure if this is really more about your own triggers and not their behavior

 

But it is important ultimately to say something.

 

When I tell you about the impact of your annoying behavior on me (and possibly on our organization) I accord you a measure of respect and regard. I make the assumption that we both care about the influence we have on others. I give you an opportunity to self-correct. You can help me understand more about why this behavior is showing up. And now we can begin to work on change.

 

And of course, sometimes even with honest and constructive conversation, even with mentoring or coaching support, even with trying to shift things to make it possible for best selves to show up—things will not change.

 

In my experience, this is sad, frustrating and even challenging. But it is rarely a crisis if the lines of communication have been opened. 

Words Matter

Several years ago i put out my core values on my website. Words Matter is one that is near and dear to my heart. Tyoday I saw this awesome video created by Rabbi Sharon Brous and it is PERFECT! Please watch it! 

 

 

Lead This Way...

For 5 years I have been telling my clients that I don’t ascribe to or promote any particular leadership style.

 

 

My role is to help you to find your own personal way of leading that works for you.

If you try to copy someone else’s style, it will fall flat.

You have to clarify your own values and assumptions and act from that place.  What I do ascribe to is a developmental approach to leadership development. You can’t stagnate. It is critical to continue to evolve as a leader.

 

I lied.

Partially.

Not intentionally.

 

So if you work with me now or you are thinking about it- pay attention. Here is what I believe we are striving for. Good leaders…

 

Understand their own emotional reactions and use it to understand others.

            Are humble and open.

            See what is working and acknowledge it

See what is possible and work toward it

Are not always reacting;

Step back and sense what is trying to happen-

in the team

in the organization,

in the larger environment in which they function

Don’t believe they can lead alone.

Find good people.

Tap into the wisdom of their people.

 

Wait a minute.  What about-

 

Decision-making

Vision

Communication skills

(and so much else)

 

Yup—good stuff.

And you might be stronger in some areas and weaker in others.

No one can be everything.

 

I am digging a well and inviting you to gather ‘round and drink from it.

(Leadership development can make you thirsty! J)

 

 

 

Spellcheck Musings: Shabbat

Although I started my professional life as a Jewish educator, and the integrated whole of who I am simply can’t be pulled apart into Jewish and secular components, I don’t often write in public about Jewish themes. Many of you- my loyal readers- are not Jewish and some of you feel no real connection to any religious group.

 

But today, I was typing the word Shabbat for the googolest time in my life, and as always, the spell check wanted to suggest that in fact I meant “showboat”. 

 

שבת 

 

Background: Shabbat:  

The Hebrew word for the Jewish Sabbath, which takes place from an hour before sundown Friday to sundown Saturday. The root of the word implies rest, desisting from work, possibly even return. For me it is the gift of time that reconnects me to my divine source, to my community and to my family. It disconnects me (literally) from most of the modern technological conveniences and ritualizes reflection, appreciation, study and song. If this is the first you are hearing of the Jewish Sabbath, I direct you to The Sabbath by Abraham J. Heschel.

 

So—Showboat….

In so many ways showboats and what takes place on them are the antithesis of my Shabbat experience. And yet… I was suddenly enchanted by the image of the old showboats gallantly moving down the river way. I imagine that after the speed of almost every one of our current conveyances, the feeling on the water in a showboat is not unlike the sudden pleasure and power of Shabbat for me.

And the river.

The river.

It works as a Shabbat metaphor.

Flowing through my life, ever present, ever powerful.

I can swim in it and I can float in it.

I can choose to sit on the banks or I can let it carry me in its currents.

 

And suddenly I hear Paul Robeson’s moving rendition of Ol Man River

O' man river,

Dat ol' man river,

He mus'know sumpin'

But don't say nuthin'

He jes' keeps rollin'

He keeps on rollin' along

 

Blowing in the Wind

On some days, if you asked me what I do I would tell you I am a systems coach. Thanks to CRR Global I have a deep and profound set of skills that enable me to support people in the way they show up most naturally- in relationship with each other. To quote Brene Brown in her Ted talk, “Connection is why we are here.”  And it turns out that it is a lot easier to living meaningful and fulfilling lives at work and at home if you have some capacity for thriving in relationships (otherwise known as systems).

One of the most powerful concepts to come out of CRR Global is the idea of a Third Entity ™  

Here is the way CRR describes it on their website:

 

Each group, team or partnership is more than just a collection of individuals. The combined experiences, intelligences and energy form a unique and separate entity that is more than the sum of its parts. 

So every relationship I find myself in is comprised of me, the other, and our third entity ™.

For those solopreneurs out there it will come as no surprise when I tell you that I have a relationship with my own business. I used to brow beat my business into succeeding. It didn’t take very well to that. I would occasionally enter into a period of benign neglect. It didn’t like that much either.  It has taken me years to go from a very administratively competent, linear, strategic professional to one who is willing and able to sense what is trying to happen and stay open to that. When I really stepped back and listened to what the Third Entity ™ of my business had to say and really heard what it needed I learned something interesting.

 

It thrives in the wind. When pinned down-- it rebels and flies off.

And it is brilliant at catching the energy of passion and integrity. It told me that sometimes when I start panicking, or feeling inferior to others out there doing amazing work, (and this doubting my business) I need to remember that what looks like flailing is actually dancing and we (my business and I) have our own path.

 

When I feel the breeze and trust that dance—let me tell you the possibilities are endless. I have been carried off into places with so much potential. So many of you striving to do good, striving to contribute.

 

A business that thrives in the wind may not have a formal business plan—but boy does it pick up!

 

 

 

Friends At Work

I recently taught a course on communication issues in the workplace and the students pointed me to a challenge I have never personally encountered. 

What do you do when friends become colleagues and your way of relating to each other is not particularly helpful in the work environment?  

and even harder...

What do you do when you are your friend's supervisor? 

My own experience is more of the-- my best friends are the people I worked closely with on projects I cared about --variety. So that pattern was always reversed. And yet I do understand the dilemma. 

We have certain roles and habits that develop in our friendships. Some of which we are pretty happy and comfortable with and are fine --outside of work. Sometimes those roles are not actually that comfortable anywhere and in the glare of the fluorescent lighting at work really take on a troubling hue. We worry about rocking the boat. We worry that saying something could risk both the work and the personal relationship.

Here are some of the ideas we came up with. They all boil down to one thing of course:

TALK ABOUT IT!

• Name the problem with the way you behave with each other. Talk about why it is problematic at work. Are you cracking inappropriate jokes in meetings? Are you ignoring each other when you should be actively collaborating? Check to see if you both experience this the same way. 

 

• Support each other to be the best you can be at work. In a good friendship, you are hyper attuned to your friend’s gifts. Tell her the potential you see in her. Help him shine and ask for help to do the same.

 

• Don’t leave things vague. One student told me he spoke to a friend/colleague and his friend response, “Yeah, fine. I get it.” Was not particularly helpful. He made sure not to leave it that way. They kept talking not only about what it might look like to behave differently with each other at work but also created some signals to use when they fell back on old patterns.

 

• Make time for the friendship outside of work. Sometimes, it is easy to get lazy and think that seeing each other all the time at work is the relationship.

 

• If you are the supervisor: tell your friend exactly what you think needs to change and talk about how you can both make it work. What do you need? What does your friend need?  

 

What is your experience with this? What has worked for you?

 

 

 

You CAN'T Avoid Pain

Do you know what the biggest epidemic of our time is?

 

AVOIDING PAIN

 

We don’t want a bad grade

We don’t want a bad review

We run from disappointment

We run from troubled relationships

We avoid hard conversations

We don’t want to get on a scale

We don’t want to look in the mirror

Color the hair, cut out the fat, and smooth the wrinkles

We don’t want to be the ‘bad guy’

We think we have to stop crying

We pretend we are okay

We shun failure

 

We invest so much energy in feeling good, feeling happy. Protecting ourselves from feeling bad. It scares us. It stops us in our tracks. For some it is the primary motivator in life. Succeed—so I don’t fail. Achieve—so I don’t notice the hole in my heart.

 

I have learned many things from and with my clients but first and foremost my life has taught me that pain is an integral part of life and when we hide from it, we risk losing a piece of our own humanity.

 

Sometimes we have to roll up in a fetal position and shake with terror

Sometimes we have to eat crow

Sometimes we have to feel such heavy loss that our limbs no longer carry us

Sometimes we have to face our own weaknesses

Sometimes we have to accept responsibility for causing others harm

Sometimes we have to look in the mirror and accept that perfection does not exist.

Sometimes we have to do without, suffer, sacrifice, retrench, retreat and recover.

 

And that is the proof that we are human.

(Not to put too fine a point on it but …that is the proof that we are not G-d. )

 

That is the seeds of our survival. Learning how to live in the garden and learning how to journey out from it.  Learning how to accept ourselves for our humanity. Learning how to accept each other for theirs.