The Tyranny of Either/Or Thinking

• If they are not working to my expectations, I need to do it all for them
• In every dispute, an employee is either right or wrong
• I can be a friend or I can be a boss but I can’t be both
• We can be loyal or we can be ruthless
• My business life and my personal life can’t be intertwined

These are great examples of either/or thinking. And they all come from my clients: sophisticated, highly effective clients. These beliefs showed up in our coaching because my client’s were experiencing dissonance and disequilibrium. When they acted on these beliefs they didn’t always get the expected results. And yet, they were having trouble finding the middle ground. Or, as one of my clients likes to say, “living in the gray.”

Listen to two clients reflect on how they moved out of an either/or stance. I propose some ways to characterize their strategy. You might see it differently:

Client #1: For the longest time I was hiring people I liked. I hired people who had potential. I hired people whom I thought I could mentor and develop. And then I would get stuck. I could build a relationship with them. I could be their friend. But often I would have to come down hard on them because they were not getting the job done. I thought this meant I needed to stop being friends with my employees and that made me very uncomfortable. Today I realize that I was hiring wrong. I now keep my focus on the position not the person. What is the need we are trying to fill? What are the organization’s needs we are trying to serve? With the right people in the right roles who better understand the organization’s expectations, I can be a boss and a friend. Strategy: Shift your focus. Do you have the right things in your view finder?

Client #2: I started my own business and at various times over the years I have had members of my nuclear and extended family work with me. Our business is a pressured one, and the stress can sometimes lead to conflict. I was sure that the conflict I was having with family members meant that I could not mix family with business. And yet, we were a family-oriented business. It took me a long time to realize that I was over-generalizing. There was one family member I needed to fire. I had to let him go. Once I did, I was able to find the balance with the rest of my family and I am working on rebuilding the personal relationship with the family member I let go. Strategy: Look for generalizations. Don’t chop down the whole apple tree for one rotten apple.

Pay attention to where you may be falling pray to your own either/or scenarios. How do you act when these beliefs dominate? What is the impact?

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