Rejecting Gossip. Period.

Did you read this article on a recent study of Gossip published in the New York Times? There was one (and only one) thing I loved about it: A reference to the origin of the word 'gossip' as referring to "chatting with one's 'godsibs' ". 

Godsibs is about the best word ever. I am blessed with Godsibs. Dear friends with whom I feel connected at a deep, soul level. Godspeed to the godsibs. 

However...I was also deeply troubled. I could go on about almost every paragraph in the article. I won't. Allow me this:

Take this line from the article: "Gossip can be useful in maintaining social norms and keeping people in line." The expression "keeping people in line" is rooted in a vision of society that sends Orwellian shivers down my spine. 

I aspire to a world in which we give each other the benefit of the doubt, we ask each other questions directly when we are troubled by comments or behaviors, we take responsibility for our own impact on the group and we support each other to change. 

One researcher in the article was quoted as saying, "If you tell people that this person is a selfish jerk, people learn to avoid the exploitive jerk." This possibly off handed comment by an otherwise well-meaning post-doc does not let me go. Why are we calling anyone "a selfish jerk". We can describe their behavior. We can feel the horrible impact of their behavior and let them know directly or even seek out support from trusted allies. But the ease with which we might label people feels like part of the toxicity of gossip. 

Let me close with a note of optimism rooted in a story about my kids. My two boys are now 17 and 19. From the time they were in grade school, they have patently refused to talk about (gossip-if you will) other kids or teachers. I have lost count of the number of times they have shared stories of troubling moments and have skillfully eliminated any identifying information about who and often even exactly what. My probing questions elicit, "is that really important?" 

THEY ARE SO RIGHT. I don't know who to thank for their 'in the bones' assimilation of this idea. Their schools, their teachers, our Jewish tradition or some genetic transmission from an ancestor I wish I had known. I will gladly suffer the twinge of embarrassment when they raise their eyebrows at my own indiscretion. 

They are living examples what I believe in and aspire to.