I am a mother of sons and I am raising husbands. When my son was three years old, he considered pink his favorite color and he loved to play with his kitchen set. These would not even merit mention but for the fact that the moms around me felt it was “interesting.” It is amazing how invasive society’s rules about our gendered lives really are. It has always been important to me to help my boys express themselves fully. What that means in reality is giving them opportunities to recognize, name and confidently feel a full range of emotions. Anger, silliness, and joy. These are the more socially acceptable emotions for boys. But fear, sadness and a deep sense of connection are so much harder to nurture.
Here are two moments in my son’s lives (Insert: Your future sons-in-law) that I treasure:
My teenage son’s camp friends have just spent a long weekend at our home as part of a camp reunion. My husband drives the boys home and our son joins them to say goodbye. My husband comes home amazed to have witnessed the emotional farewell of these close friends-hugging and all!
I walk into the living room where my son is reading a book on the couch. As I get closer I see that he is crying. Gently, I sit down next to him and ask him if he is okay. He looks at me. “Yeah”, he says through tears, “but this book is so sad. The children in this book are being treated so meanly.”
Thankfully, we don’t have to leave this important process to chance. There is wisdom out there in the world to help. Our goal as parents should be to normalize our children’s emotions. There are no bad emotions, only unhelpful responses to them.
Introduce your children to the language of emotion
When children pretend play, ask them how a character feels? You can also label emotions and connect them to what you are seeing. (“That boy jumping up and down in the picture looks really happy doesn’t he?”) Go beyond happy, glad, mad and sad. Find opportunities to use more nuanced words like frustrated, wistful, and confident.
Help kids recognize emotional courage
In the words of the authors of Raising Cain, “Many adults display emotional courage in their work or personal lives, but rarely do we allow our children to witness our private moments of conscience or bravery.”
Show your love openly
Dads, this one is especially important for you. Hug your son, kiss him, and tell him how much you love him without condition. No dad around? Borrow a mentor and a role model who will care about him, do things with him and make an emotional connection.
Let boys be boys
Boys can be sensitive and caring and they are not going to express it exactly like girls. Honor and appreciate them for their capacity to take action, their willingness to be inclusive and their structured games and fidelity to fairness.
Showing posts with label Parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Parenting. Show all posts
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Getting to Know Your Children Without Snooping [parenting]
When our kids were young, there were so many windows to perch from to marvel at who they were becoming. There were play dates and park benches. The tables around which we painted and made play-dough. The floors we sat on to read stories and engage in make-believe. Car rides in which anything and everything could (and did) happen. Today car rides are more likely to include other kids in the car pool and surreptitious texting. Most weeknight dinners are too rushed for relaxed and unobtrusive parental perching. And unless we are babysitting our cousins, our play-dough days seem to be over!
So, as they grow, we need to be much more creative and alert to catch the quick reflection of the evolving spirit of our children. If you want a good view, here are some of the places I have learned to look:
Their writing
It is true that a lot of so-called creative writing in school is circumscribed by topic and rarely reveals your child’s inner soul. Nevertheless, as kids get older, their perspectives on their world, and the books they read, for example, can tell you a lot about how they think and what moves them.
The music they love
My son has recently become a fan of Ben Fold. He told me to listen to the words of his two favorite songs: Learn to Live With What You Are and Still Fighting It about a dad who doesn’t want his son to grow up…Need I say more?
The way they treat their team mates on the field
My kids have been frustrated by losing soccer games. They can mope with the best of them. But I have watched them when a team mate is beating himself up for his poor performance as they rally to his side, with respectful encouragement.
Their privacy requests
Around the time my older son turned 13, I learned to knock on the door before entering his room. So far, they have an open-door policy with me- except for the bathroom. That is strictly off-limits.
How are you learning about your children?
What do you do to walk the fine line between your children’s privacy, and knowing who they are and what’s happening in their lives?
So, as they grow, we need to be much more creative and alert to catch the quick reflection of the evolving spirit of our children. If you want a good view, here are some of the places I have learned to look:
Their writing
It is true that a lot of so-called creative writing in school is circumscribed by topic and rarely reveals your child’s inner soul. Nevertheless, as kids get older, their perspectives on their world, and the books they read, for example, can tell you a lot about how they think and what moves them.
The music they love
My son has recently become a fan of Ben Fold. He told me to listen to the words of his two favorite songs: Learn to Live With What You Are and Still Fighting It about a dad who doesn’t want his son to grow up…Need I say more?
The way they treat their team mates on the field
My kids have been frustrated by losing soccer games. They can mope with the best of them. But I have watched them when a team mate is beating himself up for his poor performance as they rally to his side, with respectful encouragement.
Their privacy requests
Around the time my older son turned 13, I learned to knock on the door before entering his room. So far, they have an open-door policy with me- except for the bathroom. That is strictly off-limits.
How are you learning about your children?
What do you do to walk the fine line between your children’s privacy, and knowing who they are and what’s happening in their lives?
4 Questions to Ask Yourself About Parenting [parenting]
Your child tells you he is going to play at a neighbor’s house. The neighbors are close friends and you don’t give it a second thought. An hour later your friend calls to tell you she thinks the boys went off to the woods behind your house - a place you know they shouldn’t be.
Your daughter has stopped letting you check her knapsack when she comes home from school. One day as you are cleaning her room you discover a pile of small things (a pencil case, a key ring, a notepad) that clearly don’t belong to her.
Your kids have household chores to do each week and they are not getting done.
Four Questions for Parents
As a parent you ask, “What do I do now that things are going wrong? What kind of corrective action do I have to take? What discipline does my child need?” While there are clearly going to be times when some direct intervention is called for to keep your child safe or to prevent a serious incident, more often than not, the solution lies in prevention.
The Arbinger Institute, in a powerful article entitled The Parenting Pyramid™, tells us there are four questions parents should be asking themselves:
1: Am I correcting my children without teaching them?
Have we spent time helping them to understand what we value? Do we seek out teaching opportunities when there is not a problem?
2: What is the quality of my relationship with my children?
Will our children be open to our teaching if we are mostly unavailable or preoccupied?
3: What is the quality of my relationship with my spouse?
Are you looking for love from your children that you really want from your wife? Are your frustrations with your husband making you short-tempered with your kids?
4: How pure is my “way of being?”How are you relating to the people in your life? Are you focused on what you need from them or do you see their needs and wants to be as real as your own?
So…If you are struggling with correcting your children’s behavior, check out how consistent you have been in teaching them. If they are not open to your teaching, check out the quality of your overall relationship with them. If you are struggling to connect to your kids, you might want to invest in reinvigorating your marriage. And if you are struggling in your marriage, you might want to do some introspection into who you are being right now.
Your daughter has stopped letting you check her knapsack when she comes home from school. One day as you are cleaning her room you discover a pile of small things (a pencil case, a key ring, a notepad) that clearly don’t belong to her.
Your kids have household chores to do each week and they are not getting done.
Four Questions for Parents
As a parent you ask, “What do I do now that things are going wrong? What kind of corrective action do I have to take? What discipline does my child need?” While there are clearly going to be times when some direct intervention is called for to keep your child safe or to prevent a serious incident, more often than not, the solution lies in prevention.
The Arbinger Institute, in a powerful article entitled The Parenting Pyramid™, tells us there are four questions parents should be asking themselves:
1: Am I correcting my children without teaching them?
Have we spent time helping them to understand what we value? Do we seek out teaching opportunities when there is not a problem?
2: What is the quality of my relationship with my children?
Will our children be open to our teaching if we are mostly unavailable or preoccupied?
3: What is the quality of my relationship with my spouse?
Are you looking for love from your children that you really want from your wife? Are your frustrations with your husband making you short-tempered with your kids?
4: How pure is my “way of being?”How are you relating to the people in your life? Are you focused on what you need from them or do you see their needs and wants to be as real as your own?
So…If you are struggling with correcting your children’s behavior, check out how consistent you have been in teaching them. If they are not open to your teaching, check out the quality of your overall relationship with them. If you are struggling to connect to your kids, you might want to invest in reinvigorating your marriage. And if you are struggling in your marriage, you might want to do some introspection into who you are being right now.
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