leading in your skivvies

“At its core, naked service boils down to the ability of a service provider to be vulnerable—to embrace uncommon levels of humility, selflessness and transparency for the good of a client.”

Lencioni’s latest book Getting Naked is written for and about consultants. And yet I can hardly think of a context in which the ideas of this book are not relevant. He claims that too many of us are hampered by three fears:

Fear of losing the business (e.g. the family, the donor, the client, the grant)
Fear of being embarrassed
Fear of feeling inferior

I want to share just two of the many practices Lencioni identifies in this book because they resonated with me and reflect the real challenges of many of my clients.

Tell the Kind Truth
Very often you see something that your client is missing. If you play it safe and keep it to yourself, you are not really serving the client. For example, you know that the fighting at home is making it impossible for the child to learn at school. Or you see that your key donor is working off of mistaken assumptions about her influence. Maybe a customer wants to purchase a product from you that will not really help them. In all these cases, it can feel risky to tell the truth. You could lose the client and anger the donor. Telling the kind truth is about stepping into that danger zone because you care about serving the client. You will want to do it with respect and with humility. And if you are willing to face the risk of losing, you may actually win a more loyal and trusted ally than you had to begin with. It is too rare for any of us to hear the truth—especially when it is a hard one. Ultimately we come to trust the people who level with us.

Ask the Dumb Questions
How many times have you sat in a meeting confused about something? And how many times have you been incredibly grateful when one brave soul asked the question you shied away from? This practice is about having the courage to ask the questions that you think might be obvious to everyone—yet they are not obvious to you. For example, your team is about to move forward on an ambitious plan. You have been adding up the numbers on the cost and it doesn’t seem to match the budget. Math isn’t your thing but still... A board member is taking over a new committee. You want to assume that your board chair has oriented this person to the goals and expectations but you haven’t heard any plans to that effect. Sometimes, it really will be a dumb question. So what? I would much rather we all overdraw our quota on dumb questions than let silence and complicity rule. Sometimes, it will be the question upon which everything turns.

As always this book is a quick and entertaining read. If you are in a service business—read it with your whole staff and talk about which of these practices you already do well. Which could you incorporate more of?

You’ve got to go through it!

“Oh-Oh! Mud
Thick, oozy mud.
We can’t go over it.
We can’t go under it.
Oh, no!
We’ve got to go through it!”

Michael Rosen, We’re Going on a Bear Hunt


Those of us with children, have not only read and re-read this classic story countless times (so beautifully illustrated by Helen Oxenbury) but have had the experience of our children dragging us through some adventure that we would really rather not be having. Who wants to slog through mud? To find a bear?! And yet our children, in their infinite wisdom, get it. Here are some of the kernels of wisdom to be gleaned from Michael Rosen’s book:

We can face obstacles with a sense of purpose
So much of the time, we close off opportunities and experiences because we just don’t want to go through “it”. How many times have you told yourself and your friends, ‘I just can’t deal with ‘it’ right now?’ By limiting your own choices you are choosing to make your life smaller. So many places you won’t go. But what if you really connected with your purpose in life? What is your bear hunt? What is it that terrifies you and yet thrills you as well? Are you hungering for connection and community? Are you meant to protect our environment? Ease the pain of others? What would you be willing to face to serve your purpose in life?

When we speak to what is before us right now it will move us forward
Have you ever had the experience of talking to a trusted friend and as you name the issue you are struggling with, it is demystified? Sometimes you can’t really make sense of a problem, and your friend just puts her finger on it and you begin to develop the courage to tackle it?

Being fully present right now, doesn’t prevent new vistas from opening up
“Swishy-swashy, Splash-Splosh, Stumble-trip” Don’t you love the way those moments are captured? Sometimes I think of this as the difference between being on a train and being on a hike. When I am on a train, in order to get any extended look at a part of the scenery I have to look ahead in the direction the train is moving and then as we pass it, I have to look backwards as it recedes in the distance. I never get to see what is right in front of my eyes. It is always a blur. But on a hike, I can walk at my own pace. I can stop; I can feel my feet on the ground and hear every sound around me. And I can keep moving when I am ready. We may be on a mission, but so what? What is here right now? Feel the sun on your face, or the rain in your boots. So be with the frustration that it is taking so long. Be with the anger. And be with the joy and the laughter that is here right now in this moment. Be with the curiosity. The next thing is coming, don’t worry. It always does.

You can change your mind about the goal it’s not about where you get to it’s about what you learn and make possible in the process
The family on the bear hunt runs all the way home after encountering the bear and decides they are never going on a bear hunt again. In her incredible wisdom, the artist, Helen Oxenbury draws the last page of the book with the bear (who has emerged from his cave in pursuit of the family) walking on his own on a stretch of beach. So not only did the family learn something important, but if they hadn’t found the bear, he might never have explored the beach. You can never know what the impact of your pursuits will be. You can only undertake them with purpose, presence of mind, and a willingness to learn from the journey.

A Mid-Winter Pep Talk for Leaders

This month I focus on three recommendations I find myself giving over and over again. I feel strongly about these. You probably already know them; it might be time for a reminder.

The conversations you avoid today are the fires you will be putting out tomorrow
It’s so natural. We all do it. Avoid the hard conversations, that is. You see the issue clearly. You know you should start addressing it. But you don’t really want to deal with the fallout. You don’t want to be attacked. You don’t want to feel like you have just ruined someone’s day. You don’t want to discover that you may not be able to resolve this issue easily. I know; I have been there. So have most of my clients. This is why they have discovered the discipline of creating a list of the three conversations they need to have each week.

If you don’t step away from the work; you’ll be trampled
This is the hardest thing about doing work you are committed to. This is the hardest thing about working in an institution that desperately needs you and all you have to offer. This is the hardest thing about managing people. The demands are endless. There is never enough time. And the expectations are so high—from the people you serve, from your board, from yourself. You have to set limits. You have to take time to exercise, to have dinner with your family, to read a book or take a walk or do any number of things that have nothing to do with your work and happen from away from your office.

Be yourself but don’t take it personally
This is a little complicated and paradoxical but important. On the one hand, you need to show up at work and be as wholly and authentically you as you can be. Your values, your humor, your style—these are the tools of your success. And yet, when you are on the receiving end of criticism and complaints, when things go wrong and the buck stops with you—it is not a referendum on your worth as a human being! Absolutely check in with yourself and own responsibility if you messed up. That is not what I am talking about. If you are sucked into the vortex of self-recrimination (or worse: righteous indignation), you are not going to be responding in the best interest of the institution.

If these practices are already part of your routine—hats off to you. Now teach them to others. If not, try them. Please?

Who Is Getting Your Attention?

I recently finished reading The Power of Story by Jim Loehr. If you find that you are tired of hearing yourself explain your life with the same stories or you notice persistent patterns of not feeling engaged or inspired by the way you are living your life—this is a book to read.

This month, I want to share a small excerpt from the book on a topic I feel passionate about: making sacred connections with others. (Yes, I used the word sacred. Yes I do know it is not generally used in professional settings.)

Watch this 2 min. clip before reading on:


Apparently Loehr often shows the original full clip of the show (which featured the child, Jeff Erlanger), to his workshop participants because of, “Mr. Rogers’ extraordinary gift for engagement—for how he can make the small space, the eighteen to twenty four inches, between him and the little boy as sacred as a shrine...”

Loehr continues:

Who in your life do you give that kind of attention to? At least some of the time? Who gets that eighteen inches of close-up intensity? What gets you to focus with that level of commitment, of reverence for the moment? Is there someone or something in your life so sacred that nothing and no one- not ringing phones, not errands, not ballgames in progress, not the news crawl at the bottom of the screen or the one always running through your head, not money or career concerns, not insignificant noises or images whizzing by—could possibly break your concentration? ...that’s a kind of focus we so rarely give to things now. Why is that?

What’s the story we tell ourselves that prevents this from happening? Is our lack of full engagement just a stage in our life that will pass someday? Or is the story that life in the 21st century is too complicated? Or has it always been like this? Do we assert that technology is the culprit? Or do we blame the competitiveness of an increasingly global marketplace? Is our story that multi-tasking is necessary as never before?...Is our somewhat diluted attention really that big a deal? Absolutely. Because it’s not about time. It never was and never is. It’s about energy.

As you read this, I will be packing for cherished vacation time with my family. Of course Loehr’s message is meant for me as much as for any of you. I continue to strive for living the story of sacred connection—join me?

Transformative Mediation

Dear PS readers,
I am so pleased to introduce you to Eyal Rabinovitch, a gifted client of mine with much to offer. In this month’s PS, Eyal helps us understand what transformative mediation can do. Also, I was just featured in a new e-book that shares 26 stories from women entrepreneurs. I thought you might be interested in reading the series. Here’s the link. Talk to you in 2010!




In spite of all the resources out there designed to help co-workers have difficult conversations, many of us still struggle with open, direct communication in the workplace. Whether it’s because of personalities or just the conditions of the moment, sometimes the face-to-face conversation is the most dreaded moment of the day. Whether we avoid it or we suffer through it, our work and our well-being can often suffer.

With this in mind, I offer ‘everyday mediations’ for the workplace—to support those conversations that need to happen, but might be hard to have. Though mediation is typically associated with lawsuits and formal complaints, some of its methods are ideal for supporting difficult conversations in any context. Having trained in a variety of forms of mediation and dialogue facilitation, I find the methods of transformative mediation uniquely suited to help people simultaneously work through the conflicts or decisions at hand and improve the quality of their interactions going forward.

A Little Background


Transformative mediation emerged in 1995 with the publication of Robert Bush and Joe Folger’s The Promise of Mediation. They argued that mediators too often get caught up in trying to broker a deal between parties, manipulating the process or the people involved to get to settlements. But the “promise” of mediation, they argued, is that mediators can help support people’s efforts to get through difficult conversations entirely on their own accord, and in the process transform the way they interact with one another for the future.


The Basic Framework

Transformative methodology starts with a simple yet profound set of assumptions that can be summed up as follows:

Conflicted interactions produce a cycle of degeneration that makes us feel increasingly powerless and disconnected from others

We dislike that state of being, so much so that our primary reason for seeking help is usually to escape the frustration, rather than reach an agreement

Given the opportunity, we have both the will and the internal resources to shift away from the degenerative conflict cycle toward greater empowerment and recognition of others

The role of the mediator is to support opportunities for people to make such shifts

This leads to a simple set of techniques for the mediator, who:

Reflects and summarizes what the parties say so that they are certain that they are expressing themselves as they wish

Clearly identifies the similarities and differences that exist between the parties—both in terms of the content of the conversation and how they are communicating to each other

Highlights and clarifies the choices and decisions available to everyone present

Checks in with parties to ensure that they are OK with the conversation that is unfolding

Cultivating Positive Shifts

When I mediate this way, I support people’s safety and confidence to speak and listen. In other words, I enable parties to have the conversation that they truly wish to have. If I do my job right, parties will either find genuinely acceptable terms of resolution or clarify and state openly to each other that resolution is not their best option. Because I am not fixated on getting parties to agree but rather provide the space for them to speak for themselves, they will very likely have improved the nature of their communication from one that is frustrating and unproductive toward one that is clear, efficient, and empowering. Perhaps most surprisingly, studies show that transformative meditations reach agreement nearly as often as more coercive methods.

When you provide such third party support for getting through complex or tense interactions, you go beyond the typical training or reading material by offering immediate, results-oriented help. You lay down the foundation for more collaborative, enjoyable relationships between colleagues. At the same time, you affirm a commitment to respect all voices and support everyone’s ability to work together, contributing to a workplace culture that values both autonomy and mutuality.

You can find out more about Eyal and transformative mediation here…

Be Silent

I am sitting in my very silent house thinking about the pros and cons of silence. Have you ever had a conversation with someone plugged into their iPod who graciously pulls out one earphone to talk to you?! As much as I love music and cozy chats with friends, I find I truly cherish silence. The absence of vibrations traveling through air creates an opportunity to turn inward. Suddenly I tune into the symphony (or cacophony) that has been running inside of me. Focusing my attention on that internal world always yields something worth exploring.

In relationships, silence often creates discomfort. I recently read a terrific piece on 8 Types of Silence. In it, Eric Klein tries to characterize the hidden possibilities behind silence and makes suggestions for what you can do about it. It is clever and perceptive and useful. And silence isn’t always a problem to be solved. I want to put in a plug for actively creating silence.

Simply put: TAKE TIME TO BE SILENT

So really that is it—the request, the experiment I really think you should try.

Try this: In a meeting, as you get ready to launch into an agenda item, tell people you will give them 2 minutes of silence to collect their thoughts and reflect on the issue at hand.

Or this: When you are at an impasse or in a heated moment in a conversation or meeting, create a silent time-out for people to collect their thoughts.

Or even this: rather than setting up a meeting to have tea or coffee in a loud and crowded place, schedule a walk in a park or through a museum—allow for comfortable silences to take in your surroundings.

And finally this: As you move from one thing in your calendar to the next, stop for 60 seconds of silence. Quiet your surroundings and just tune in to whatever is there.

A note about balance:
Even though most people would hear only noise and confusion, as a former teacher, I know well the joy of a class of 30 students talking with each other busy at a task that engages them. Talking and sometime even noise can be really valuable. I just think the balance has tipped too far today and it is harder to be silent. For most us adults—we seem to need permission.

So, guess what? Permission granted!

Who is Pushing Your Buttons

Julie has an employee who ‘kills her with kindnesses.’ This employee is cloyingly sweet, gives Julie little gifts, compliments her and enthusiastically agrees with everything Julie says or does. Julie finds herself responding harshly to this employee, avoiding her and finally withdrawing trust. Julie is not proud of this response and senses there is an irrational element to it

Is there someone at work or in some other aspect of your life who consistently provokes you? You know it is not rational and yet when you encounter this person, you find your equanimity goes out the window? Maybe you respond with undue harshness; maybe you retreat. On a good day it is mildly annoying. On a bad day, you come home with your heart still racing and you feel a little out of control. So what is going on?

Let me offer you two theories and a strategy.

Theory 1:
We all have multiple internal ‘selves.’ There is the controller who sees what behavior is rewarded and tries to keep us on a steady path that will rock no boats. There is the pusher egging us on to be ever more productive. Some of us have an active perfectionist with little tolerance for our mistakes. There is the obedient person we were raised to believe we should be. There is the vulnerable child who guards the entrance to our most intimate self. The possibilities are endless. With these, we also have a host of selves whom we have disowned along the way. Our life circumstances will play a big role in determining which selves we disown. Some of us have disowned our aggressive selves, others have disowned the pleaser. Other disowned selves might be the lazy beach bum, the powerful self or the intuitive sensitive self. According to Hal Stone & Sidra Winkelman, when we remain unaware of these disowned selves, they come back at us in the people we encounter. In their words:

So long as a self is disowned within us, we will continue to repeatedly attract that particular energy in our life. The universe will bring us the people we judge, hate, and resent over and over again until we finally get the message that they are reflections of that which is disowned in us. (In Embracing Each Other)

Theory 2:We all have a divinely inspired inclination to treat others with humanity and dignity. And we all fail to heed that inclination at times. It can be hard to see ourselves honestly and confront our selfish or lazy or fearful reactions. In response, we begin to rationalize our behavior. Maybe we didn’t act on our instinct to acknowledge the role of an employee in a timely fashion. Having let the opportunity pass, we are uneasy. So we begin to find reasons that would explain our behavior. After all, he didn’t really do it alone. Or, sure he got it done in a timely fashion but he probably is hoping this will give him leverage to ask for that extra vacation time I know he has wanted. This theory is best explained in the book Leadership & Self Deception.


A Strategy:
Think about a time when you were triggered by someone in your life. How did you react? What were the feelings associated with that moment? Now imagine that those reactions actually belong to one of your inner selves. You can detach from this self and look at him (or her) objectively—from the vantage point of your mature, adult self. Consider the possibility that this triggered self actually shows up out of concern for you.

Who is this self that is being triggered?
How old would you say s/he is?
What is s/he concerned about and what does s/he want for you?
Or perhaps, what is s/he trying to protect you from?

The problem is that while your triggered self means well, s/he is not very effective. You are going to need to renegotiate your relationship with this self so that you can respond to these circumstances in a way that honors the mature adult you are. What do you need to communicate to this triggered self? Do you need to express compassion for the concerns of this triggered self? Is there a role you have been neglecting that you need to take back?

Let’s return to Julie:

When she considers who is being triggered, she envisions herself at about 10 years old. This 10 year old self had a pretty upsetting experience with a supposed best friend who ultimately betrayed her. She is committed to not letting Julie get hurt again and is very wary of any kindness. Julie begins to empathize with this 10 year old self. She lets her know that she understands exactly how frightening it can be to be betrayed. And Julie reassures her that she has learned a lot in the intervening years. She has a strong support network and is a valued professional. Julie would like to handle her relationship with this employee differently. Perhaps taking some time to get to know her better and make better sense of her behavior. Next time Julie is triggered by this employee she takes a deep breath, whispers internally to her 10 year old self that she can handle this, and tries a new approach.

How about you?