In trying to make sense of a recent encounter that a strong voice in me wants to label ‘failure’, I came to understand a particular internal dynamic between multiple parts of myself. I have learned a lot and it has enabled me to move forward. One of my core beliefs is that we encounter the world through relationship including the relationship to ourselves. I hope you will find relevance here.
I can best let you in on my internal dynamic by personifying parts of myself. So let me tell you the story of Pearl, Miss Pearl and Mrs P.
Pearl sent an email to a woman she had just met at a conference. There was a wonderful synergy between them. It seemed as if Pearl’s approach to systems coaching was a valuable compliment to the strategy and branding work of her new contact. Pearl was thrilled to be able to set up a meeting to talk more about working together.
As the meeting approached, Pearl found herself apprehensive but she wouldn’t let herself dwell on it too much. On the afternoon of the meeting, as Pearl started to get dressed, an odd thing happened. Pearl a 50+ year old woman with a warm smile and peaceful demeanor slipped out of view. In her place, Miss Pearl- an insecure 16 year old took over. Miss Pearl was totally focused on the externals. She dressed in her favorite white skirt and flowing purple vest. She took advantage of Pearl’s silence and put on some lipstick. She drove downtown blasting the radio anticipating a fun little walk around Soho before the meeting. She indulged her curiosity and went into the Apple store. Finally she showed up at Nespresso- an upscale European coffee “boutique”. As she waited for her contact to show up, Miss Pearl began to feel nervous.
“What am I doing here? Where is Pearl? I don’t know how to run this meeting. What am I supposed to say?”
This anxious self-doubt permeated the meeting. Miss Pearl talked too much. She didn’t ever really re-establish the solid connection that had originally been made. She stumbled on her words and couldn’t hold on to what she was hearing. Meanwhile- Pearl was starting to stir and take note of what was happening. Pearl knew what to do. If she had enough strength to take over she would have been honest and said something like,
“Can we start over? I just realized that I was really nervous about meeting you and I am afraid I haven’t made a very good impression. Let’s talk about what we each want to get out of this conversation and we can go from there.”
But Pearl buried her head in her hands and let poor Miss Pearl handle this alone. Somehow, Miss Pearl managed to say goodbye and get to her car. That is when Mrs. P showed up. Mrs. P wore her hair back in a stern bun, no nonsense shoes and a booming voice to match. Mrs. P was not pleased.
“Miss Pearl, what is wrong with you? I am so disappointed in you. You just squandered an incredible opportunity. Where was your passion? Your eloquence? Your capacity to connect? You are way out of your league!”
No Kidding.
When Pearl finally re-emerged, (and changed out of Miss Pearl’s clothes) she felt the full weight of her choice to disappear. She apologized to Miss Pearl.
“Honey, I am so sorry to have sent you out to that meeting. I chickened out and sent you instead. Of course you felt anxious! I never should have left you so exposed.”
Then Pearl needed to forgive herself. She needed to forgive herself for the fear that overtook her and the abdication that allowed her to send Miss Pearl into a world beyond her.
It was only then that Pearl was able to take a deep breath. She saw that her fears were normal. And at the same time they were a signal. If she would have allowed herself to sit with those fears for even a short while, she might have realized how to prepare for her meeting.
From now on, Miss Pearl stays home (although she might be allowed to put lipstick on Pearl occasionally!) and Pearl reconnects to the person she is at her core- One who is innately curious about others, who is willing to be vulnerable and transparent, and who cares about how people work together in organizations.
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