Are we too protective?

The outside in…

The senior leadership team is in their monthly meeting. As we zoom in, we watch as one member consistently puts her points forward in self-assured declarative statements. She tells you why she is right. She reminds you of her prior experience that puts her in a unique position to know. She lays out a pretty thoughtful plan. She hasn’t expressed any doubt, asked any questions (that she doesn’t already know the answer to). The people around the table know to expect this and they tolerate it because, actually, she is right a lot of the time. The team leader is internally scratching his head because he knows that important conversations are being shut down as a result of this dynamic.

 

The inside out….

Over the years, our life experiences act like irritations in the mollusk shell and we slowly coat ourselves with the nacre that protects our vulnerabilities. Layer after layer, year after year, we feel more protected, more girded against the many ways in which life can touch our soft spots and make us feel unsafe. And like the nacre, we start to see the beauty in that protection. We become resilient. Those coatings stop serving as a protection and start to define who we are. We would sooner lose our nacre than walk outside naked. Eventually, others never really get to see who we are in all our humanity, we sacrifice intimacy and connection. And sometimes, we even forget to set aside the shell when we are alone.

 

What if I told you the woman in the team meeting has always been under-estimated. Her gender or her color or her accent has triggered more biased events than she cares to recall. Her nacre is pride. It is proving. It is aggressive self-promotion.

 

The way forward…

The woman is trapped in her protection. She is so worried that she will be viewed negatively that she is missing how she is actually being perceived.

Her work is to start to crack her shell just enough that she can look inside.

Her work is to allow herself to feel vulnerable occasionally and understand she won’t fall apart.

Her work is to eventually risk sharing that vulnerability. It might look like saying, “I don’t know” occasionally. It might look like holding her tongue even when she thinks she should speak. It might mean taking a risk and asking for feedback from her colleagues on how she could improve their working relationship. 

Are you on that team?

What is your work?

 

Authentic Facade

One of the saddest things a client said to me recenty is that he has learned how to put on an authentic facade. 

It used to be his superpower. 
He listened to people. Intently.

People felt heard and valued by him.  

Then the to-do list grew. Then he had more people reporting to him. Then every encounter fet like an intrusion and an interruption. 

He is one of the lucky ones though. He knows it is a facade. He doesn't like it. 

He is working on saying no to things that don't need his attention. He is working on constructive self-talk:

Be Here Now

This conversation can make a difference

Who knows what will be possible if I can make a real connection?

How about you?

What is the facade you have erected? 

Who Is Showing Up At Your Meetings?

In trying to make sense of a recent encounter that a strong voice in me wants to label ‘failure’, I came to understand a particular internal dynamic between multiple parts of myself.  I have learned a lot and it has enabled me to move forward. One of my core beliefs is that we encounter the world through relationship including the relationship to ourselves. I hope you will find relevance here.

 

I can best let you in on my internal dynamic by personifying parts of myself. So let me tell you the story of Pearl, Miss Pearl and Mrs P.

Pearl sent an email to a woman she had just met at a conference. There was a wonderful synergy between them. It seemed as if Pearl’s approach to systems coaching was a valuable compliment to the strategy and branding work of her new contact.  Pearl was thrilled to be able to set up a meeting to talk more about working together.

As the meeting approached, Pearl found herself apprehensive but she wouldn’t let herself dwell on it too much. On the afternoon of the meeting, as Pearl started to get dressed, an odd thing happened. Pearl a 50+ year old woman with a warm smile and peaceful demeanor slipped out of view. In her place, Miss Pearl- an insecure 16 year old took over. Miss Pearl was totally focused on the externals. She dressed in her favorite white skirt and flowing purple vest. She took advantage of Pearl’s silence and put on some lipstick. She drove downtown blasting the radio anticipating a fun little walk around Soho before the meeting. She indulged her curiosity and went into the Apple store. Finally she showed up at Nespresso- an upscale European coffee “boutique”. As she waited for her contact to show up, Miss Pearl began to feel nervous.

 

“What am I doing here? Where is Pearl? I don’t know how to run this meeting. What am I supposed to say?”

This anxious self-doubt permeated the meeting. Miss Pearl talked too much. She didn’t ever really re-establish the solid connection that had originally been made. She stumbled on her words and couldn’t hold on to what she was hearing. Meanwhile- Pearl was starting to stir and take note of what was happening. Pearl knew what to do. If she had enough strength to take over she would have been honest and said something like,

“Can we start over? I just realized that I was really nervous about meeting you and I am afraid I haven’t made a very good impression. Let’s talk about what we each want to get out of this conversation and we can go from there.”

But Pearl buried her head in her hands and let poor Miss Pearl handle this alone. Somehow, Miss Pearl managed to say goodbye and get to her car. That is when Mrs. P showed up. Mrs. P wore her hair back in a stern bun, no nonsense shoes and a booming voice to match. Mrs. P was not pleased.

“Miss Pearl, what is wrong with you? I am so disappointed in you. You just squandered an incredible opportunity. Where was your passion? Your eloquence? Your capacity to connect? You are way out of your league!”

 

No Kidding.

When Pearl finally re-emerged, (and changed out of Miss Pearl’s clothes) she felt the full weight of her choice to disappear. She apologized to Miss Pearl.

“Honey, I am so sorry to have sent you out to that meeting. I chickened out and sent you instead. Of course you felt anxious! I never should have left you so exposed.”

Then Pearl needed to forgive herself. She needed to forgive herself for the fear that overtook her and the abdication that allowed her to send Miss Pearl into a world beyond her.

It was only then that Pearl was able to take a deep breath. She saw that her fears were normal. And at the same time they were a signal. If she would have allowed herself to sit with those fears for even a short while, she might have realized how to prepare for her meeting.

From now on, Miss Pearl stays home (although she might be allowed to put lipstick on Pearl occasionally!) and Pearl reconnects to the person she is at her core- One who is innately curious about others, who is willing to be vulnerable and transparent, and who cares about how people work together in organizations.

 

 

 

It's Painstaking Work

Have you ever watched a programmer coding?

On a recent 6 hour flight I watched a woman coding a website.  (At least, I think that is what she was doing.) She would type a few keystrokes into a window that had lines and lines of text, then check another window with what looked like a website and see the impact. Back and forth. Back and forth. For hours.

That is what programmers and designers do, right? Somehow we expect certain kinds of work to require patience and repetition and revision. Architects come to mind, and engineers. Accountants? 

And yet when it comes to working with people- our peers, our bosses, our employees...we just want them to "get it". We don't want to repeat ourselves. We don't want to have to work through slow change efforts and revised approaches. 

Who are we kidding? People are infinitely more complex than numbers and code. And far more unpredictable.

And far more valuable. 

So keep in mind: Patience my dear friends, patience. 

What are we protecting?

Too often

You are in your armour; I am in mine

We keep our distance or 

We bang against each other

The reverberations painful

Our speech is muffled

We misunderstand

Sometimes

We look 

each other in they eye

we are protected only by a thin film

of bubble

Hands reaching out

the bubbles burst.

 

 

 

Leaders Build Houses

Once upon a time Josh, a high performing manager in his organization, learned that he was to have a new boss, Pete. He made an effort to get to know him. Josh tried to bring him up to date on all aspects of his area of responsibility. He knew that ongoing communication would be important and  asked for a regular meeting with Pete. When they did meet, Josh often felt that Pete was distracted; Josh frequently had to repeat information. Sometimes Pete used the meeting to talk through his own priorities. Josh tried to be a useful sounding board. Over time, Josh’s frustration grew. As his boss’ role grew and his sense of overwhelm increased Pete piled more on Josh’s plate. He never thanked or acknowledged Josh for the results he continued to achieve. Pete made many promises to Josh that he failed to follow through on. Josh would raise concerns and Pete responded by rebuffing these and talking about his own pressures. After a few years- Josh’s frustration leaked into his communication with Pete. Pete came to think he had a problem employee on his hands

 

John Gottman, PhD. may be best known for his decade’s long research on marriage relationships. He developed a theory called the Sound Relationship House Theory. It has become clear over time, however, that many of the principles which emerge out of Gottman’s research apply to all human relationships. In particular the first 3 elements of the sound relationship house seem critical to this story and to relationships in the workplace. I have taken the liberty of adapting Gottman’s language to fit an organization context:

 

1. Build and Maintain a Road Map: You might assume you already know what your employees world is like or feel you simply don’t need to know too much detail. And yet a foundation stone to your relationship is your interest in what s/he is doing. Do you know how s/he sees the goals? Do you understand the pressures at their level? Above and beyond accountability is a need for compassionate curiosity and understanding. Their world should be familiar to you—this comes with asking the right questions and listening.

 

1. Scan for Success and Express Appreciation: Pressure to deliver outstanding results usually means we are quick to notice what isn’t working. It requires discipline to take the time to notice that which we respect in our people. For this principle to function effectively it matters most that we thank and appreciate consistently. Don’t wait for the flash. Seek out the seemingly small but valuable ways in which your people are there for you and the organization on a daily basis.

 

1. Be Responsive: When people spend time together they make what Gottman calls, bids for connection. Sometimes the bids are overt as in asking a question, or making a comment. Sometimes they are more subtle, as in making eye contact or smiling as you both listen to a speaker. When we turn toward these bids by offering a response we are building relationship. When we ignore them or even turn against them by responding with a gruff annoyance we damage the relationship.

 

 

When you work on these 3 principles, you building a solid relationship house from the ground up. One that will be far better able to withstand the inevitable moments of conflict.

 

Have an opinion about this? Start a conversation with me and others right here...

Dis-Connect

We need to look away, disengage, let go 

if we are to make space for change

 

We need to keep coming back, reengage, reconnect

to our relationships

If we are to recognize that change has occurred

is occuring

 

We must close our eyes if we are to open them 

and 

see

 

We communicate with our being #trust30

Men imagine that they communicate their virtue or vice only by overt actions, and do not see that virtue or vice emit a breath every moment. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

 I love this: virtue or vice emit a breath every moment. 

This phrase captures two such important ideas:

The first idea: our inner worlds show up with us wherever we go and we often are totally oblivious to the fact that they are releasing a quality that is palpable to those around us

The second idea: our breathing is thankfully effortless most of the time and we do not have to tell ourselves to breathe and yet, we have total and absolute control over our breath. So, too, we can choose to communicate certain intangible qualities with full intention

 

Think of any meeting you have ever been in. You walk in the room and it is rife with “virtue or vice”. Are you reacting to the actions of those in the room? Probably not. There is the usual- small talk, smiling, getting food from the side table. People are shuffling papers and adjusting their seats. Some may even be looking at the clock.

Imagine this. A meeting has been called to discuss the deployment of a serious cost cutting measure. People will lose their jobs. Morale will suffer. The goals will not shift and everyone is asked to do more with less. Some of the people in that room are loaded for bear. Others are quaking in their boots. Some are looking around the room wondering who they can throw under the bus to save their own skin. A video would not capture this. But the air is pungent with self-preservation, ill intent and naked fear. This is what we bring into a room and into a relationship.

 

It can be unconscious like breathing.

It can be conscious like breathing.

 

What is the impact you want to create?

This is a question my clients and I tackle a lot. It doesn’t usually result in different actions. The very act of connecting with an intention creates the shift.

Try this: Think about something coming up in the next few hours- ask yourself the question, “What is the atmosphere I want to contribute to?” “How can I connect with that quality?” Then bring that intention with you. 

I Know #trust30

I know that music stirs my soul

I know that movement calms my mind

I know that a well written novel deepens my capacity to hear other voices

I know intimate relationship is borne of comittment to be with what is day in and day out

I know that healthy conflict is the only way to for two or more people to live honestly with each other

I know that deep listening can take the place of a warm hug 

I know that human touch can be sacred

 

Travel...my porch in the Galilee #trust30

If we live truly, we shall see truly. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Not everyone wants to travel the world, but most people can identify at least one place in the world they’d like to visit before they die. Where is that place for you, and what will you do to make sure you get there?

 

This is a tough one for me. I have been blessed with much travel in my life already.

During my 8 years growing up in Japan my family visited: Hong Kong, Guam, Thailand, Iran, Switzerland & England. During the years my husband worked at a travel company we travelled across the US as well as to Canada, France, Spain, revisited Japan and cruised the Caribbean. And I can no longer count the number of times I have been back and forth to Israel and hope to end my life there.

 

So Chris, I have to say that my sincerest wish is to sit on my porch in the Galilee and visit with family and friends sharing laughter and comfortable silences. I will continue to nurture my relationships, and appreciate all that comes to me in this life.  I will live truly, and we shall see….

15 Minutes to Live #Trust30

We are afraid of truth, afraid of fortune, afraid of death, and afraid of each other. Our age yields no great and perfect persons. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

You just discovered you have fifteen minutes to live.

1. Set a timer for fifteen minutes.
2. Write the story that has to be written.

 

Moments of raw human connection are rare, precious and in the end the only thing that matters.

 

I am sitting on my sister’s hospital bed before a serious surgery. She is terrified and hyperventilating. Our relationship has been plagued by distance, miscommunication and mutual recrimination. On that night, there was only tenderness. I held her hand. We breathed together. She looked into my eyes and her breathing slowed. What flowed between our breath and our eyes was love.

 

It is barely a week since my sister passed away. I have come to take my parents to see my sister’s apartment and go through some of her personal items. I worry my mother will fall apart when she sees the remnants of a life cut short.  We sit together and I help her think about what she hopes for from this visit. I help her articulate her fears. She starts to plan what steps she will take to move her toward her hopes and away from her fears. She is ready.

 

I walk into my grandmother’s room with my husband. She has had a stroke but she remembers. The last time she saw us, she was being courted by a gentleman who visited her at her brother’s house. She starts to tell the story. Her daughters think she is hallucinating. We maintain eye contact and smile. She smiles. It was a happy memory. We know. It is enough.

 

A woman tells me her life story. She is addicted to pain killers. She needs help. She needs money. She is a sweet soul who has just helped me buy my train ticket and guided me to my platform. I urge her to get help. I tell her about my own sister. I tell her life is too precious to waste away on an addiction. We take each others hands. She thanks me for listening and treating her with dignity. She ushers me onto my train. I sit down and cry like a baby.

 

I want to look you in the eye. I want to smile. I want to hold your hand. We are connected. This is the story.  

Should I Stay or Should I Go? Holding on to Marriage [relationship]

It is the season of endings and beginnings. I look out my window and most of the trees are bare. Yet two oak trees stand with their tenacious dried and brown leaves rustling in the wind. Every year, these leaves hang on for dear life through the winter. Sometime around April, when the new buds begin to appear, they quietly make their solitary trip down to the ground. What are they holding on to? Or is the tree simply unwilling to let go? What must it be like to look around at the bare landscape and know that their fellow foliage made different choices?

These trees remind me of some of the couples that I coach. Their situation looks bleak and yet they are holding on. There is the memory of who they were. There is the dream of who they were going to become. Relationships are mysterious and magical and often coaching moves the couple to a new place that the evanescent leaves can never hope to go. A place of stability and permanence. Are you in a relationship that is holding on?


Set aside some time to talk
Create an atmosphere that will help you both listen to each other respectfully. If there are safe havens in your relationship, create one for this conversation.

Four questions to ask yourselves about your relationship
What are our complaints about each other and what are the disappointed dreams that lie behind those complaints?

Can we tell each other our dreams? Are we are willing to honor each other’s dreams?

Are we locked into playing roles that don’t fit us anymore? Do we need to switch roles? Do we need to let go of some of the roles? Who are we together without the roles?

Do I distance myself from a quality in you that I marginalize in myself? Do you do the same?

I watch the two trees in my yard, and I probably have some wisdom for them that they themselves might not be able to articulate. Similarly, our relationships watch us. The relationship knows things that we ourselves do not always see. And more than anything it wants us to be having this conversation - to connect in a way that will revive the relationship or give us the courage to let go.

Heal By Remembering Those Who Have Passed [life]

Now that last year has drawn to a close, we’ll most likely begin to see retrospectives and remembrances of all the famous people who died. Each year at this time, the national preoccupation with loss brings me face to face with my own longing for those no longer present: A dear friend, an aunt, a colleague. What to do with the grief , the memories and pieces of ourselves that lie dormant? Over the years different practices have helped me and I am grateful to friends and family who have taught me by their own example.

Capture the Memories of Passed Loved OnesGather together with friends and family and retell the stories that connect you to those no longer with us. Don’t worry if not all the stories are flattering, it’s the sheer life in them that preserves. Pull out the photo albums, re-read the old letters. What was the joke he always got wrong? What was the story she loved to tell every year? Let the tears flow and the laughter heal.

Write Letters to Those Who Have Passed
Sometimes, when the feelings run too deep and the wound is too raw for collective reminiscing, I find letter writing to be an intimate and cathartic activity. Sometimes I write to the friend I lost. I want him to know what is happening in my life. I want to tell him what has happened in our world that I know would give him joy. Sometimes I write to my children so that they may learn about their special relative. I can share her impact in my life and convey to my children what would surely have been her wish for them. The letters don’t need an address. The writing is the tribute.

Pay it Forward
More than anything, I choose to recognize and honor the beliefs and values of those I have lost. I know no greater tribute than to live a life in which I share the gifts I have received. Passed loved ones have led me to create warm and welcoming celebrations, find my way to make the world a better place, and stay connected to family.

As my losses grow, so do the gifts I feel compelled to share.

If you’re feeling your own loss at this time of year, cherish it as a gift that will lead you to reconnect with what you hold dear.

Rituals to Sustain Your Relationship [relationship]

I recently worked with a couple who craved rituals in their life for different reasons. She had grown up in a family with a rich and textured home life, his parents had divorced when he was young and the most consistent ritual in his life was shuffling between his parent’s apartments. They longed to create experiences they could rely on, experiences that would signal to them that they were in a stable and healthy relationship.

Their instinct was right. Research shows that the more rituals couples share, the greater the likelihood they will stay together.

Rituals: Not Just For the Holidays
This couple wanted things they did regularly to celebrate the various holidays during the year. What they didn’t realize was that they already had wonderful rituals that brought them together. She makes them coffee every morning as they get ready for work. On Saturdays they cuddle together in bed relishing the prospect of a free day. Once a week he goes to the farmer’s market to buy the ingredients for a great soup which he cooks for the two of them. She does the dishes when he cooks.

Rituals Need Structure and Heart
Rituals have two key ingredients; they’re structured (happen at predictable times of the day or week), and they are infused with a commitment to connect to one another — they have heart. Rituals that are structured but lack heart are not going to bring you closer together (think throwing his discarded socks on his cereal bowl every morning!), and rituals with heart but no structure are simply not sustainable (think the day you both played hooky from work and went to the beach instead).


Don’t Let Family Rituals Replace Relationship Rituals
Inevitably, I started thinking about my own marriage and the rituals that sustain my relationship. As parents, my husband and I have been pretty good at creating rituals that bring our family together and honor what we value. So it was with some amount of horror that I realized we had preserved precious few rituals just for the two of us.

Here’s the beginning of my list of opportunities for creating rituals in case you find yourself in the same ritually poor mess as me:

* “Honey, I’m home!” — Usually, when one of us gets home at the end of the day, the other is busy making dinner, tending to kids and homework or at the computer working. The one who is home can stop what s/he is doing, welcome the other with a hug and offer a greeting like, “Hey, I am so happy you are home”.

* “It’s 10:00 p. m; do you know where your partner is?” — I guess we’re not night owls, because at that hour, one of us is bound to be asleep. Inevitably, after dinner we have each drifted to our own separate activity, usually in different parts of the house. We have become adept at getting into bed quietly so as not to wake each other. What we should do is decide on a time to meet up in bed to review the day, check in, and snuggle.

* “Do you have anything good for me to read?” — My husband usually asks me this at the start of a weekend or vacation. We love reading and books, but it’s been a long time since we hung out together at libraries and book stores. We could institute one night a week (okay, let’s be realistic — once a month) when we go to the bookstore together, see what’s new and popular, read excerpts to each other and sit with a warm drink, appreciating our mutual enjoyment.

Rituals are touchstones. They are moments that we intentionally create to solidify our identity as a couple. Rituals say, “This is what we care about”. Take a minute to think about the rituals in your own relationship. Are they working for you? If yes, celebrate them and share them with us.

Living Together & Feeling Distant [relationship]

You Build Expectations in your Head…

6:00 p.m: Your husband and son are at a physical therapy session. You like that this creates some bonding time for them. As you close down your computer, you imagine that they will come home and you will give your husband a kiss and talk about your day. (You have already seen your son today and he will be off to finish his homework). Your husband will be happy to just unwind with you — cuddle and talk. He has been a little under the weather and feels like you haven’t really been there for him. You have been busy and distracted lately and you know it will feel good to set aside this time to be together.

Then Real Life Intervenes

8:00 p.m: It’s already an hour later than you expected your husband and son to return. You want to get to bed early because you want to get up for your 5:30 spin class. You had been sitting in the living room watching Seinfeld reruns. Now you go up to change for bed. You notice that your son’s laptop is open and when you casually go over to it you see he has put a lock on his screen. You start obsessing about what untrustworthy things he is doing. You lie in bed, pretending to read, all the while preoccupied with how to have the conversation with your son.

You Get Caught in the Act of Missing your Opportunity

8:40 p.m: As soon as you hear the key in the lock you call your son (in a slightly menacing tone — after all, you’ve been stewing for awhile) to come to your room so you can talk to him. Meanwhile, your husband comes in and you barely glance his way. You strike a balanced tone with your son between concern and levity. Phew, the connection isn’t broken. After your son has left, your husband says, “Hi to you too!” in the tone that says, “Don’t I count around here?”

You Dig a Deeper Hole for Yourself

9:00 p.m: Your husband is moving around the closet, changing his clothes and you sit in bed and say nothing. He goes downstairs to check his e-mail. You reluctantly get out of bed and call down to him, “What are your plans tonight?” The response is clipped, “What do you want?” WHAT? Okay, you say, all you wanted was a little time to connect and he seems to see you as an intrusion. Fine, be that way!

9:15 p.m You turn off the lights and go to bed fuming, upset and feeling very sorry for yourself.

A New Day

7:00 a.m You come back from your class feeling great! Your husband comes downstairs, putting on his sneakers for his own run. He smiles at you, asks how you slept. You ask him how he is feeling too. You sit side by side for a minute and he tells you he had lunch with a mutual friend and he has lots to catch you up on. You make a date to talk over dinner.

All’s well that ends well? Well, more work could have been done beforehand. Here are 4 suggestions for this couple to keep moving forward:

· Tell each other what you want — directly.
“Let’s make some time for each other tonight okay?” or “I really wish you would say hello to me when I come home.”

· Share your feelings, not your accusations.
“I have been missing the times when we just talk and reconnect” Instead of, “You never make time for me anymore.”

· Respond to the facts, not your fear.She heard him yell, “What do you want?” and made a whole bunch of assumptions about what that meant. The facts are that he is downstairs, she is upstairs and he said, “What do you want?” Another fact is that she didn’t respond. Now what is the story that will bring this couple together?

· Prioritize the marriage.
It’s easy to fall into the habit of just being parents. What your kids need more than anything is the model of a healthy and connected marriage.

Does the scene feel all too familiar? Have you struggled with some of these issues? Let us know.

The Route to an Inviolable Marriage [relationship]

in·vi·o·la·ble:

1: secure from violation or profanation
2: secure from assault or trespass

There are a lot of things I believe are important, sacred and inviolable, but my behavior often rats me out. Do you know what I mean? Here are a few examples of what I believe, closely followed by the facts.

• I am attentive to my kids.
(Most of the time, but not always.)

• I make time for a daily spiritual practice.
(This is spotty at best.)

• I engage in meticulous self-care.
(Ha!)

After some honest soul-searching, I came up with two things I NEVER mess with:

1. My commitment to a monogamous marriage.

2. My exercise routine six days a week.

Let’s leave the exercise routine for another day–I want to talk about monogamy.

If you find yourself daydreaming about what would have happened if you married Mr. First Love, I have a couple of suggestions for you. I am keeping this simple but serious.

Love Yourself
If you want your marriage to be inviolable, the first place to look is inward–not at your partner and certainly not at that cute person standing in front of you ordering a skim chai latte! Really, there is no more important agenda on your to-do list. If you don’t care about yourself, you know how the song goes–you’ll be looking for love in all the wrong places. First it will be your kids, then the dog, and the next thing you know, you’ll be hoping your barista can make you feel lovable and alive.


Do what you have to do…you probably already know what it is. Do you need to take better care of your body so you can feel good in your own skin? Do you need to kick the sugar habit that is sending you on an emotional roller coaster? Maybe you finally need to get out of the job that is killing your soul and follow your professional passion.

Appreciate What You Have
Are you sick of hearing about how important appreciation is? Have you tried it? Because I am going to tell you to get over the hump and do it. Step one is to just notice what you appreciate about your spouse. You don’t even have to say anything. Becoming aware is going to shift something for you from the get-go.

The next step is to tell your partner. It’s going to feel really awkward at first if this is not what you usually do–a little bit like a third-grader reading her lines in the Thanksgiving pageant. But do it anyway. The more you do, the more of a habit it will become. And it will pay dividends. That’s more than you can say for most things these days

Billy Joel & Relationshiip Personas [relationship]

It was then I felt the stranger
Kick me right between the eyes

On a recent plane ride, I sat across the aisle from a married couple. Before the doors had closed and while people were still using cell phones, the man was talking on the phone to someone who sounded like his business partner. He seemed easygoing and had a sense of humor about a challenge they were facing. He even spent a few minutes inquiring about his partner’s family.

We were then instructed to turn off all electronic devices, and the man readily complied. I tried to settle into my book when suddenly I heard him yelling at his wife. Without repeating their conversation, suffice it to say that this was a totally different man than the one I heard a few moments ago. His tone was contemptuous, and he attacked his wife without ever giving her an opening to respond. I actually had to force myself to turn away when I realized I was staring dumbfounded.

Some are satin; some are steel
Some are silk, and some are leather
They’re the faces of the stranger
But we love to try them on

This was a pretty extreme transformation. And yet, the truth is that we all have so many different parts of ourselves. Often, some parts go into hiding in our most precious relationships. Do you have a different persona at work? At your gym? With your best friend? That doesn’t mean you switch consciously (although you might). Think about it–if you have to run outside for a minute, you just grab the pair of shoes that are at the door. You don’t go up to your closet and consider which pair would be most fitting for getting the mail or bringing the garbage out. We all fall into comfortable habits. And so in our relationships, we take on the persona that is most familiar and closest to the surface.


Did you ever let your lover see
The stranger in yourself?

If we were to take some time to notice, we would realize that we have so many secret selves clamoring to come out and play. When was the last time your partner connected with your spontaneous self? Your creative and energized self? Your romantic self? When was the last time you dusted off the courageous kid who would jump off the top bar of the jungle gym? Or the one who danced unabashedly?

You may never understand
How the stranger is inspired
But he isn’t always evil
And he is not always wrong

You may be thinking that not all of those hidden selves are fit for human consumption. How about that bitchy self of yours? How could that be good for your relationship? Well, my guess is that your bitchy self is just an act. She may present herself that way because she is frustrated that she never gets a say. There is a deeper and beautiful essence even to her. Stop and listen to what she is saying. My guess is that there is a clarity and strength to her that would be wonderful to bring to your relationship.

You’ll give in to your desire
When the stranger comes along.

Start paying attention to all those secret selves of yours, and play with them. Give them some expression. Consciously choose to bring them into your relationship, and watch how things shift. Notice who comes out to play in your partner when you introduce him to more of you. It could be magical or it could be comical. You may even be able to teach Billy Joel a thing or two about relationships.