My Journals Are Trash

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"YOU DID WHAT?!"

"I threw out all my work journals from the past 6 years."

"ARE YOU FEELING OKAY? ARE YOU HAVING SOME KIND OF ATTACK?"

"I am feeling wonderful, thank you. Light headed and light hearted. Really."

--------

So began a conversation with YDKASHOTE [aka "You Don't Know Anything So Hold On To Everything".] I call her KASH for short. KASH was hyperventilating as she watched me flip through these journals and toss them in the trash. KASH wanted to make me feel small and kept pressing me to reread these journals so that I wouldn't forget what I needed to know. She watched me sadly as I started my coaching calls thinking that of course I would fail my clients because I hadn't read the journals! 

I, on the other hand, was surprisingly calm. Oh I knew where she was coming from. She and I go back a long way. Probably to my high school days. And yet, as I turned the pages and read my notes, I became increasingly convinced that I had integrated what I needed to know and the rest was filler. 

I was reminded of the word for "stuff" or material things in Hebrew: Chomer. [חומר] It is also the same root as the word for donkey: Chamor. A beast of burden. And that is what these journals had become for me. A burden.

Somewhere along the way, I had developed a mistaken idea. I thought the journals were a product, a necessary commodity for my professional development. Instead, what I now understand is that they were important for the process they enabled. They helped me clarify my thoughts, organize what I was learning. Slow down. 

My journals are a pathway from where I am now to where I am going. Old journals are like outdated maps. They no longer serve to orient me. 

I will continue to keep journals, as I will continue to forge new paths. And I will ease my burden along the way.

How do you use your journals?

 

 

 

PLAY

Seriously..

 

<p>Trailer - SERIOUSLY! The Future depends on play from Gwen Gordon on Vimeo.</p>

 

FLOW

Sometimes all you need is a small opening....

Is Advise a Vice?

ad·vice/ədˈvīs/ 

Noun:

Guidance or recommendations concerning prudent future action, typically given by someone regarded as knowledgeable or authoritative. Information; news.

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I had three recent experiences that sensitized me again to how cautious we need to be about advice. 

• On a team call whose purpose was to help resolve one member's dilemma, advice is given ("you really shouldn't....") and the response is defensive. ("yes but....)

You might think the only issue here is that the response was defensive since the call was designed to help the person with the dilemma. But what is helpful? I find that asking questions that help clarify the issues is far more effective in the long run than offering a solution. Even if it is a solution that comes from years of your experience. Even if it is a solution that is wise. It is not always going to be easy for me to hear it, let alone implement it. Powerful questions and examples of your own experience (minus the directive) can go a long way. 

• In a team coaching context teammates are acknowledging each other for commitments honored. (You are... and you should keep on..")

The feeling in the room was positive and appreciative. And as requested, the acknowledgements were specific. But what struck me is the way that second-person speech, "you are delegating more often now..." sounds like the speaker is standing in judgment from a few rungs up the ladder of accomplishment. Contrast that with speaking in the first person about the impact on me when you honored your commitment. ("I was able to accomplish so much more when I knew you were going to be accountable for your tasks."

• A coach (yes-me!) gets overly passionate about a topic she knows a lot about and tells her client what he should do...

If you have worked with a coach, you might be sensitized to the fact that a coach doesn't usually tell her client what to do. This holds true for managers and leaders who want to coach with their employees, too. Usually I ask permission. I might tell a client I have some experience with a topic, and to let me know if and when s/he wants to me to share what I know. Anything else is a not only a self-management issue for the coach it is a power grab that takes attention away from the person trying to make sense of an issue for themselves. It builds dependency and undermines what we want- a professional who is building the problem solving muscle for themselves. 

 

 

It [excellent advice] is a good deal like giving a child a dictionary to learn a language with —Henry James

 

 

I guess I was wrong...

I hired you and I am your boss.

I assume you have all the skills I attributed to you during the hiring process.

I assume you will watch me like a hawk and approach issues similarly.

I assume you will know what to do when a task falls within your purview. 

I assume that you will deliver results in a timely fashion regardless of external circumstances or delays which emanate from my office.

I assume you will always be honest with me. 

I assume that if you don't know something you will ask and you will learn. 

I assume you care about making me and the team look good.

I assume that the stellar performance I expect of you is unrelated to my leadership or comunication style. 

I assume you will accept changes I put into place and resist changes which I oppose. 

I assume you do not need regular acknowledgement or mawkish expressions of appreciation. 

oops...my bad.

 

I don't know.

I'm going to take a radical stance on this expression.

It is evil.

It is insidious.

It is passive agressive. 

It is false.

(Except when it isn't. Of course there are things you don't know. Like where the black holes are and why they even matter. Wait, you know? Can you call me?)

I watched an interaction between a manager and her direct report. The employee was angry. He cut her off numerous times. He asked sarcastic questions. He attacked and blamed. And when he was asked, "What do you need?" He said...."I don't know". 

I was incredulous. Really? What is that about? And where can this relationship go if the angry party can't ask for what he needs?

It drives my son crazy when I ask him a question about what he wants or what he needs and he says, "I don't know" and I respond, "Pretend you know. What would you say?"

It might drive you crazy too. 

And yet, most of the time when we say, "I don't know" in response to a question about our own feelings or needs- we are lying. We do know. But we don't feel comfrotable saying it. Maybe it is hard even to admit to ourselves. Maybe we are worried about repercussions. Maybe we like the power that comes from witholding. 

Are you struggling with this? Well you can call me too. 

 

Promise leads to Partnership

A work team is in trouble. They are under a lot of pressure to "get it right". Getting it right in this case means, accuracy, efficiency and most difficult- getting the rest of the organization to change the way certain processes have always been done. 

They don't agree on much. Trust has eroded. Competing priorities are wreaking havoc on results. And no one is very happy to come to work every morning. 

My work with this team began by helping the group to articulate some agreement for how they will work together. They were asked to make a verbal committment to each other to honor these agreements.

At the end of our first session- they each looked each other in the eye to seal the agreement.  It was both solemn and joyful. It was the moment when they turned a corner. They took their first steps toward repair.