It is the season of endings and beginnings. I look out my window and most of the trees are bare. Yet two oak trees stand with their tenacious dried and brown leaves rustling in the wind. Every year, these leaves hang on for dear life through the winter. Sometime around April, when the new buds begin to appear, they quietly make their solitary trip down to the ground. What are they holding on to? Or is the tree simply unwilling to let go? What must it be like to look around at the bare landscape and know that their fellow foliage made different choices?
These trees remind me of some of the couples that I coach. Their situation looks bleak and yet they are holding on. There is the memory of who they were. There is the dream of who they were going to become. Relationships are mysterious and magical and often coaching moves the couple to a new place that the evanescent leaves can never hope to go. A place of stability and permanence. Are you in a relationship that is holding on?
Set aside some time to talk
Create an atmosphere that will help you both listen to each other respectfully. If there are safe havens in your relationship, create one for this conversation.
Four questions to ask yourselves about your relationship
What are our complaints about each other and what are the disappointed dreams that lie behind those complaints?
Can we tell each other our dreams? Are we are willing to honor each other’s dreams?
Are we locked into playing roles that don’t fit us anymore? Do we need to switch roles? Do we need to let go of some of the roles? Who are we together without the roles?
Do I distance myself from a quality in you that I marginalize in myself? Do you do the same?
I watch the two trees in my yard, and I probably have some wisdom for them that they themselves might not be able to articulate. Similarly, our relationships watch us. The relationship knows things that we ourselves do not always see. And more than anything it wants us to be having this conversation - to connect in a way that will revive the relationship or give us the courage to let go.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Heal By Remembering Those Who Have Passed [life]
Now that last year has drawn to a close, we’ll most likely begin to see retrospectives and remembrances of all the famous people who died. Each year at this time, the national preoccupation with loss brings me face to face with my own longing for those no longer present: A dear friend, an aunt, a colleague. What to do with the grief , the memories and pieces of ourselves that lie dormant? Over the years different practices have helped me and I am grateful to friends and family who have taught me by their own example.
Capture the Memories of Passed Loved OnesGather together with friends and family and retell the stories that connect you to those no longer with us. Don’t worry if not all the stories are flattering, it’s the sheer life in them that preserves. Pull out the photo albums, re-read the old letters. What was the joke he always got wrong? What was the story she loved to tell every year? Let the tears flow and the laughter heal.
Write Letters to Those Who Have Passed
Sometimes, when the feelings run too deep and the wound is too raw for collective reminiscing, I find letter writing to be an intimate and cathartic activity. Sometimes I write to the friend I lost. I want him to know what is happening in my life. I want to tell him what has happened in our world that I know would give him joy. Sometimes I write to my children so that they may learn about their special relative. I can share her impact in my life and convey to my children what would surely have been her wish for them. The letters don’t need an address. The writing is the tribute.
Pay it Forward
More than anything, I choose to recognize and honor the beliefs and values of those I have lost. I know no greater tribute than to live a life in which I share the gifts I have received. Passed loved ones have led me to create warm and welcoming celebrations, find my way to make the world a better place, and stay connected to family.
As my losses grow, so do the gifts I feel compelled to share.
If you’re feeling your own loss at this time of year, cherish it as a gift that will lead you to reconnect with what you hold dear.
Capture the Memories of Passed Loved OnesGather together with friends and family and retell the stories that connect you to those no longer with us. Don’t worry if not all the stories are flattering, it’s the sheer life in them that preserves. Pull out the photo albums, re-read the old letters. What was the joke he always got wrong? What was the story she loved to tell every year? Let the tears flow and the laughter heal.
Write Letters to Those Who Have Passed
Sometimes, when the feelings run too deep and the wound is too raw for collective reminiscing, I find letter writing to be an intimate and cathartic activity. Sometimes I write to the friend I lost. I want him to know what is happening in my life. I want to tell him what has happened in our world that I know would give him joy. Sometimes I write to my children so that they may learn about their special relative. I can share her impact in my life and convey to my children what would surely have been her wish for them. The letters don’t need an address. The writing is the tribute.
Pay it Forward
More than anything, I choose to recognize and honor the beliefs and values of those I have lost. I know no greater tribute than to live a life in which I share the gifts I have received. Passed loved ones have led me to create warm and welcoming celebrations, find my way to make the world a better place, and stay connected to family.
As my losses grow, so do the gifts I feel compelled to share.
If you’re feeling your own loss at this time of year, cherish it as a gift that will lead you to reconnect with what you hold dear.
Rituals to Sustain Your Relationship [relationship]
I recently worked with a couple who craved rituals in their life for different reasons. She had grown up in a family with a rich and textured home life, his parents had divorced when he was young and the most consistent ritual in his life was shuffling between his parent’s apartments. They longed to create experiences they could rely on, experiences that would signal to them that they were in a stable and healthy relationship.
Their instinct was right. Research shows that the more rituals couples share, the greater the likelihood they will stay together.
Rituals: Not Just For the Holidays
This couple wanted things they did regularly to celebrate the various holidays during the year. What they didn’t realize was that they already had wonderful rituals that brought them together. She makes them coffee every morning as they get ready for work. On Saturdays they cuddle together in bed relishing the prospect of a free day. Once a week he goes to the farmer’s market to buy the ingredients for a great soup which he cooks for the two of them. She does the dishes when he cooks.
Rituals Need Structure and Heart
Rituals have two key ingredients; they’re structured (happen at predictable times of the day or week), and they are infused with a commitment to connect to one another — they have heart. Rituals that are structured but lack heart are not going to bring you closer together (think throwing his discarded socks on his cereal bowl every morning!), and rituals with heart but no structure are simply not sustainable (think the day you both played hooky from work and went to the beach instead).
Don’t Let Family Rituals Replace Relationship Rituals
Inevitably, I started thinking about my own marriage and the rituals that sustain my relationship. As parents, my husband and I have been pretty good at creating rituals that bring our family together and honor what we value. So it was with some amount of horror that I realized we had preserved precious few rituals just for the two of us.
Here’s the beginning of my list of opportunities for creating rituals in case you find yourself in the same ritually poor mess as me:
* “Honey, I’m home!” — Usually, when one of us gets home at the end of the day, the other is busy making dinner, tending to kids and homework or at the computer working. The one who is home can stop what s/he is doing, welcome the other with a hug and offer a greeting like, “Hey, I am so happy you are home”.
* “It’s 10:00 p. m; do you know where your partner is?” — I guess we’re not night owls, because at that hour, one of us is bound to be asleep. Inevitably, after dinner we have each drifted to our own separate activity, usually in different parts of the house. We have become adept at getting into bed quietly so as not to wake each other. What we should do is decide on a time to meet up in bed to review the day, check in, and snuggle.
* “Do you have anything good for me to read?” — My husband usually asks me this at the start of a weekend or vacation. We love reading and books, but it’s been a long time since we hung out together at libraries and book stores. We could institute one night a week (okay, let’s be realistic — once a month) when we go to the bookstore together, see what’s new and popular, read excerpts to each other and sit with a warm drink, appreciating our mutual enjoyment.
Rituals are touchstones. They are moments that we intentionally create to solidify our identity as a couple. Rituals say, “This is what we care about”. Take a minute to think about the rituals in your own relationship. Are they working for you? If yes, celebrate them and share them with us.
Their instinct was right. Research shows that the more rituals couples share, the greater the likelihood they will stay together.
Rituals: Not Just For the Holidays
This couple wanted things they did regularly to celebrate the various holidays during the year. What they didn’t realize was that they already had wonderful rituals that brought them together. She makes them coffee every morning as they get ready for work. On Saturdays they cuddle together in bed relishing the prospect of a free day. Once a week he goes to the farmer’s market to buy the ingredients for a great soup which he cooks for the two of them. She does the dishes when he cooks.
Rituals Need Structure and Heart
Rituals have two key ingredients; they’re structured (happen at predictable times of the day or week), and they are infused with a commitment to connect to one another — they have heart. Rituals that are structured but lack heart are not going to bring you closer together (think throwing his discarded socks on his cereal bowl every morning!), and rituals with heart but no structure are simply not sustainable (think the day you both played hooky from work and went to the beach instead).
Don’t Let Family Rituals Replace Relationship Rituals
Inevitably, I started thinking about my own marriage and the rituals that sustain my relationship. As parents, my husband and I have been pretty good at creating rituals that bring our family together and honor what we value. So it was with some amount of horror that I realized we had preserved precious few rituals just for the two of us.
Here’s the beginning of my list of opportunities for creating rituals in case you find yourself in the same ritually poor mess as me:
* “Honey, I’m home!” — Usually, when one of us gets home at the end of the day, the other is busy making dinner, tending to kids and homework or at the computer working. The one who is home can stop what s/he is doing, welcome the other with a hug and offer a greeting like, “Hey, I am so happy you are home”.
* “It’s 10:00 p. m; do you know where your partner is?” — I guess we’re not night owls, because at that hour, one of us is bound to be asleep. Inevitably, after dinner we have each drifted to our own separate activity, usually in different parts of the house. We have become adept at getting into bed quietly so as not to wake each other. What we should do is decide on a time to meet up in bed to review the day, check in, and snuggle.
* “Do you have anything good for me to read?” — My husband usually asks me this at the start of a weekend or vacation. We love reading and books, but it’s been a long time since we hung out together at libraries and book stores. We could institute one night a week (okay, let’s be realistic — once a month) when we go to the bookstore together, see what’s new and popular, read excerpts to each other and sit with a warm drink, appreciating our mutual enjoyment.
Rituals are touchstones. They are moments that we intentionally create to solidify our identity as a couple. Rituals say, “This is what we care about”. Take a minute to think about the rituals in your own relationship. Are they working for you? If yes, celebrate them and share them with us.
Living Together & Feeling Distant [relationship]
You Build Expectations in your Head…
6:00 p.m: Your husband and son are at a physical therapy session. You like that this creates some bonding time for them. As you close down your computer, you imagine that they will come home and you will give your husband a kiss and talk about your day. (You have already seen your son today and he will be off to finish his homework). Your husband will be happy to just unwind with you — cuddle and talk. He has been a little under the weather and feels like you haven’t really been there for him. You have been busy and distracted lately and you know it will feel good to set aside this time to be together.
Then Real Life Intervenes
8:00 p.m: It’s already an hour later than you expected your husband and son to return. You want to get to bed early because you want to get up for your 5:30 spin class. You had been sitting in the living room watching Seinfeld reruns. Now you go up to change for bed. You notice that your son’s laptop is open and when you casually go over to it you see he has put a lock on his screen. You start obsessing about what untrustworthy things he is doing. You lie in bed, pretending to read, all the while preoccupied with how to have the conversation with your son.
You Get Caught in the Act of Missing your Opportunity
8:40 p.m: As soon as you hear the key in the lock you call your son (in a slightly menacing tone — after all, you’ve been stewing for awhile) to come to your room so you can talk to him. Meanwhile, your husband comes in and you barely glance his way. You strike a balanced tone with your son between concern and levity. Phew, the connection isn’t broken. After your son has left, your husband says, “Hi to you too!” in the tone that says, “Don’t I count around here?”
You Dig a Deeper Hole for Yourself
9:00 p.m: Your husband is moving around the closet, changing his clothes and you sit in bed and say nothing. He goes downstairs to check his e-mail. You reluctantly get out of bed and call down to him, “What are your plans tonight?” The response is clipped, “What do you want?” WHAT? Okay, you say, all you wanted was a little time to connect and he seems to see you as an intrusion. Fine, be that way!
9:15 p.m You turn off the lights and go to bed fuming, upset and feeling very sorry for yourself.
A New Day
7:00 a.m You come back from your class feeling great! Your husband comes downstairs, putting on his sneakers for his own run. He smiles at you, asks how you slept. You ask him how he is feeling too. You sit side by side for a minute and he tells you he had lunch with a mutual friend and he has lots to catch you up on. You make a date to talk over dinner.
All’s well that ends well? Well, more work could have been done beforehand. Here are 4 suggestions for this couple to keep moving forward:
· Tell each other what you want — directly.
“Let’s make some time for each other tonight okay?” or “I really wish you would say hello to me when I come home.”
· Share your feelings, not your accusations.
“I have been missing the times when we just talk and reconnect” Instead of, “You never make time for me anymore.”
· Respond to the facts, not your fear.She heard him yell, “What do you want?” and made a whole bunch of assumptions about what that meant. The facts are that he is downstairs, she is upstairs and he said, “What do you want?” Another fact is that she didn’t respond. Now what is the story that will bring this couple together?
· Prioritize the marriage.
It’s easy to fall into the habit of just being parents. What your kids need more than anything is the model of a healthy and connected marriage.
Does the scene feel all too familiar? Have you struggled with some of these issues? Let us know.
6:00 p.m: Your husband and son are at a physical therapy session. You like that this creates some bonding time for them. As you close down your computer, you imagine that they will come home and you will give your husband a kiss and talk about your day. (You have already seen your son today and he will be off to finish his homework). Your husband will be happy to just unwind with you — cuddle and talk. He has been a little under the weather and feels like you haven’t really been there for him. You have been busy and distracted lately and you know it will feel good to set aside this time to be together.
Then Real Life Intervenes
8:00 p.m: It’s already an hour later than you expected your husband and son to return. You want to get to bed early because you want to get up for your 5:30 spin class. You had been sitting in the living room watching Seinfeld reruns. Now you go up to change for bed. You notice that your son’s laptop is open and when you casually go over to it you see he has put a lock on his screen. You start obsessing about what untrustworthy things he is doing. You lie in bed, pretending to read, all the while preoccupied with how to have the conversation with your son.
You Get Caught in the Act of Missing your Opportunity
8:40 p.m: As soon as you hear the key in the lock you call your son (in a slightly menacing tone — after all, you’ve been stewing for awhile) to come to your room so you can talk to him. Meanwhile, your husband comes in and you barely glance his way. You strike a balanced tone with your son between concern and levity. Phew, the connection isn’t broken. After your son has left, your husband says, “Hi to you too!” in the tone that says, “Don’t I count around here?”
You Dig a Deeper Hole for Yourself
9:00 p.m: Your husband is moving around the closet, changing his clothes and you sit in bed and say nothing. He goes downstairs to check his e-mail. You reluctantly get out of bed and call down to him, “What are your plans tonight?” The response is clipped, “What do you want?” WHAT? Okay, you say, all you wanted was a little time to connect and he seems to see you as an intrusion. Fine, be that way!
9:15 p.m You turn off the lights and go to bed fuming, upset and feeling very sorry for yourself.
A New Day
7:00 a.m You come back from your class feeling great! Your husband comes downstairs, putting on his sneakers for his own run. He smiles at you, asks how you slept. You ask him how he is feeling too. You sit side by side for a minute and he tells you he had lunch with a mutual friend and he has lots to catch you up on. You make a date to talk over dinner.
All’s well that ends well? Well, more work could have been done beforehand. Here are 4 suggestions for this couple to keep moving forward:
· Tell each other what you want — directly.
“Let’s make some time for each other tonight okay?” or “I really wish you would say hello to me when I come home.”
· Share your feelings, not your accusations.
“I have been missing the times when we just talk and reconnect” Instead of, “You never make time for me anymore.”
· Respond to the facts, not your fear.She heard him yell, “What do you want?” and made a whole bunch of assumptions about what that meant. The facts are that he is downstairs, she is upstairs and he said, “What do you want?” Another fact is that she didn’t respond. Now what is the story that will bring this couple together?
· Prioritize the marriage.
It’s easy to fall into the habit of just being parents. What your kids need more than anything is the model of a healthy and connected marriage.
Does the scene feel all too familiar? Have you struggled with some of these issues? Let us know.
The Route to an Inviolable Marriage [relationship]
in·vi·o·la·ble:
1: secure from violation or profanation
2: secure from assault or trespass
There are a lot of things I believe are important, sacred and inviolable, but my behavior often rats me out. Do you know what I mean? Here are a few examples of what I believe, closely followed by the facts.
• I am attentive to my kids.
(Most of the time, but not always.)
• I make time for a daily spiritual practice.
(This is spotty at best.)
• I engage in meticulous self-care.
(Ha!)
After some honest soul-searching, I came up with two things I NEVER mess with:
1. My commitment to a monogamous marriage.
2. My exercise routine six days a week.
Let’s leave the exercise routine for another day–I want to talk about monogamy.
If you find yourself daydreaming about what would have happened if you married Mr. First Love, I have a couple of suggestions for you. I am keeping this simple but serious.
Love Yourself
If you want your marriage to be inviolable, the first place to look is inward–not at your partner and certainly not at that cute person standing in front of you ordering a skim chai latte! Really, there is no more important agenda on your to-do list. If you don’t care about yourself, you know how the song goes–you’ll be looking for love in all the wrong places. First it will be your kids, then the dog, and the next thing you know, you’ll be hoping your barista can make you feel lovable and alive.
Do what you have to do…you probably already know what it is. Do you need to take better care of your body so you can feel good in your own skin? Do you need to kick the sugar habit that is sending you on an emotional roller coaster? Maybe you finally need to get out of the job that is killing your soul and follow your professional passion.
Appreciate What You Have
Are you sick of hearing about how important appreciation is? Have you tried it? Because I am going to tell you to get over the hump and do it. Step one is to just notice what you appreciate about your spouse. You don’t even have to say anything. Becoming aware is going to shift something for you from the get-go.
The next step is to tell your partner. It’s going to feel really awkward at first if this is not what you usually do–a little bit like a third-grader reading her lines in the Thanksgiving pageant. But do it anyway. The more you do, the more of a habit it will become. And it will pay dividends. That’s more than you can say for most things these days
1: secure from violation or profanation
2: secure from assault or trespass
There are a lot of things I believe are important, sacred and inviolable, but my behavior often rats me out. Do you know what I mean? Here are a few examples of what I believe, closely followed by the facts.
• I am attentive to my kids.
(Most of the time, but not always.)
• I make time for a daily spiritual practice.
(This is spotty at best.)
• I engage in meticulous self-care.
(Ha!)
After some honest soul-searching, I came up with two things I NEVER mess with:
1. My commitment to a monogamous marriage.
2. My exercise routine six days a week.
Let’s leave the exercise routine for another day–I want to talk about monogamy.
If you find yourself daydreaming about what would have happened if you married Mr. First Love, I have a couple of suggestions for you. I am keeping this simple but serious.
Love Yourself
If you want your marriage to be inviolable, the first place to look is inward–not at your partner and certainly not at that cute person standing in front of you ordering a skim chai latte! Really, there is no more important agenda on your to-do list. If you don’t care about yourself, you know how the song goes–you’ll be looking for love in all the wrong places. First it will be your kids, then the dog, and the next thing you know, you’ll be hoping your barista can make you feel lovable and alive.
Do what you have to do…you probably already know what it is. Do you need to take better care of your body so you can feel good in your own skin? Do you need to kick the sugar habit that is sending you on an emotional roller coaster? Maybe you finally need to get out of the job that is killing your soul and follow your professional passion.
Appreciate What You Have
Are you sick of hearing about how important appreciation is? Have you tried it? Because I am going to tell you to get over the hump and do it. Step one is to just notice what you appreciate about your spouse. You don’t even have to say anything. Becoming aware is going to shift something for you from the get-go.
The next step is to tell your partner. It’s going to feel really awkward at first if this is not what you usually do–a little bit like a third-grader reading her lines in the Thanksgiving pageant. But do it anyway. The more you do, the more of a habit it will become. And it will pay dividends. That’s more than you can say for most things these days
Billy Joel & Relationshiip Personas [relationship]
It was then I felt the stranger
Kick me right between the eyes
On a recent plane ride, I sat across the aisle from a married couple. Before the doors had closed and while people were still using cell phones, the man was talking on the phone to someone who sounded like his business partner. He seemed easygoing and had a sense of humor about a challenge they were facing. He even spent a few minutes inquiring about his partner’s family.
We were then instructed to turn off all electronic devices, and the man readily complied. I tried to settle into my book when suddenly I heard him yelling at his wife. Without repeating their conversation, suffice it to say that this was a totally different man than the one I heard a few moments ago. His tone was contemptuous, and he attacked his wife without ever giving her an opening to respond. I actually had to force myself to turn away when I realized I was staring dumbfounded.
Some are satin; some are steel
Some are silk, and some are leather
They’re the faces of the stranger
But we love to try them on
This was a pretty extreme transformation. And yet, the truth is that we all have so many different parts of ourselves. Often, some parts go into hiding in our most precious relationships. Do you have a different persona at work? At your gym? With your best friend? That doesn’t mean you switch consciously (although you might). Think about it–if you have to run outside for a minute, you just grab the pair of shoes that are at the door. You don’t go up to your closet and consider which pair would be most fitting for getting the mail or bringing the garbage out. We all fall into comfortable habits. And so in our relationships, we take on the persona that is most familiar and closest to the surface.
Did you ever let your lover see
The stranger in yourself?
If we were to take some time to notice, we would realize that we have so many secret selves clamoring to come out and play. When was the last time your partner connected with your spontaneous self? Your creative and energized self? Your romantic self? When was the last time you dusted off the courageous kid who would jump off the top bar of the jungle gym? Or the one who danced unabashedly?
You may never understand
How the stranger is inspired
But he isn’t always evil
And he is not always wrong
You may be thinking that not all of those hidden selves are fit for human consumption. How about that bitchy self of yours? How could that be good for your relationship? Well, my guess is that your bitchy self is just an act. She may present herself that way because she is frustrated that she never gets a say. There is a deeper and beautiful essence even to her. Stop and listen to what she is saying. My guess is that there is a clarity and strength to her that would be wonderful to bring to your relationship.
You’ll give in to your desire
When the stranger comes along.
Start paying attention to all those secret selves of yours, and play with them. Give them some expression. Consciously choose to bring them into your relationship, and watch how things shift. Notice who comes out to play in your partner when you introduce him to more of you. It could be magical or it could be comical. You may even be able to teach Billy Joel a thing or two about relationships.
Kick me right between the eyes
On a recent plane ride, I sat across the aisle from a married couple. Before the doors had closed and while people were still using cell phones, the man was talking on the phone to someone who sounded like his business partner. He seemed easygoing and had a sense of humor about a challenge they were facing. He even spent a few minutes inquiring about his partner’s family.
We were then instructed to turn off all electronic devices, and the man readily complied. I tried to settle into my book when suddenly I heard him yelling at his wife. Without repeating their conversation, suffice it to say that this was a totally different man than the one I heard a few moments ago. His tone was contemptuous, and he attacked his wife without ever giving her an opening to respond. I actually had to force myself to turn away when I realized I was staring dumbfounded.
Some are satin; some are steel
Some are silk, and some are leather
They’re the faces of the stranger
But we love to try them on
This was a pretty extreme transformation. And yet, the truth is that we all have so many different parts of ourselves. Often, some parts go into hiding in our most precious relationships. Do you have a different persona at work? At your gym? With your best friend? That doesn’t mean you switch consciously (although you might). Think about it–if you have to run outside for a minute, you just grab the pair of shoes that are at the door. You don’t go up to your closet and consider which pair would be most fitting for getting the mail or bringing the garbage out. We all fall into comfortable habits. And so in our relationships, we take on the persona that is most familiar and closest to the surface.
Did you ever let your lover see
The stranger in yourself?
If we were to take some time to notice, we would realize that we have so many secret selves clamoring to come out and play. When was the last time your partner connected with your spontaneous self? Your creative and energized self? Your romantic self? When was the last time you dusted off the courageous kid who would jump off the top bar of the jungle gym? Or the one who danced unabashedly?
You may never understand
How the stranger is inspired
But he isn’t always evil
And he is not always wrong
You may be thinking that not all of those hidden selves are fit for human consumption. How about that bitchy self of yours? How could that be good for your relationship? Well, my guess is that your bitchy self is just an act. She may present herself that way because she is frustrated that she never gets a say. There is a deeper and beautiful essence even to her. Stop and listen to what she is saying. My guess is that there is a clarity and strength to her that would be wonderful to bring to your relationship.
You’ll give in to your desire
When the stranger comes along.
Start paying attention to all those secret selves of yours, and play with them. Give them some expression. Consciously choose to bring them into your relationship, and watch how things shift. Notice who comes out to play in your partner when you introduce him to more of you. It could be magical or it could be comical. You may even be able to teach Billy Joel a thing or two about relationships.
Do you hear your calling? [life]
Danielle La Porte wrote about heeding her “deep creative inklings.” Not long ago, Jonathan Fields was interviewed here and spoke about his own dramatic move from law career to pursuing his entrepreneurial passions. So how does it happen, and how do you even know that what you’re sensing is a call?
Notice What Gets Your Attention
A call always gets our attention. It’s a call if it takes us away from what we have been aware of previously and heightens us to a new sense of awareness. Think of the suddenness of phone calls… you’re deep in thought or conversation, and then the phone rings. Boom–your awareness shifts to the ring. Phone calls always remind me of hotel wake-up calls. I have done my fair share of business travel recently, and if you have, too, then you know that not all wake-up calls are alike.
The Ring with No Voice Message
The phone rings. You grope for it, pick it up, put it to your ear, and…nothing. This is always a bit of a surprise to me. You expect someone to say something. Some callings are like that phone call. You get an intuitive hit somehow, but there doesn’t seem to be any message attached to it. It can almost feel like a distraction or a wrong number. Is this meant for me? What on Earth does it mean, and what am I supposed to be noticing? You don’t know…but it still nags at you.
The Ring with a Prerecorded Message
This one always makes me laugh. The phone rings, you pick it up, and you hear a recording telling you that this is your requested wake-up call. Sometimes you get a bit more information, like the weather or the current time. Some callings are like that. You know you’re being pulled in a particular direction, and you know it’s time to make a move, but should you respond? It’s so tempting sometimes to just hang up the phone and go back to sleep.
The Ring with a Human Voice
This is the loveliest but also the most embarrassing. The phone rings and you pick it up, your voice hoarse from sleep. A real live human being says, “Good morning, Ms. Mattenson, it is 5:30 a.m.” And then you say, “Thank you.” An actual exchange–there’s no mistaking this one. This is personal and real. This is when life hits you over the head and says, “Are you listening? Yes, you–get off your duff and make the move!”
The fact is, we don’t get to choose the kind of wake-up call we receive (hotels don’t give you the choice; why should the universe?). If you think you may have missed calls lately, you might want to check these out:
Callings: Finding and Following Authentic Life — by Gregg Levoy
Answering Your Call — by John Schuster
Awake is Good, a lovely blog by Jan Lundy (author of Your Truest Self)
Something to Think About
Let me leave you with a quote from Gregg Levoy’s book:
Notice What Gets Your Attention
A call always gets our attention. It’s a call if it takes us away from what we have been aware of previously and heightens us to a new sense of awareness. Think of the suddenness of phone calls… you’re deep in thought or conversation, and then the phone rings. Boom–your awareness shifts to the ring. Phone calls always remind me of hotel wake-up calls. I have done my fair share of business travel recently, and if you have, too, then you know that not all wake-up calls are alike.
The Ring with No Voice Message
The phone rings. You grope for it, pick it up, put it to your ear, and…nothing. This is always a bit of a surprise to me. You expect someone to say something. Some callings are like that phone call. You get an intuitive hit somehow, but there doesn’t seem to be any message attached to it. It can almost feel like a distraction or a wrong number. Is this meant for me? What on Earth does it mean, and what am I supposed to be noticing? You don’t know…but it still nags at you.
The Ring with a Prerecorded Message
This one always makes me laugh. The phone rings, you pick it up, and you hear a recording telling you that this is your requested wake-up call. Sometimes you get a bit more information, like the weather or the current time. Some callings are like that. You know you’re being pulled in a particular direction, and you know it’s time to make a move, but should you respond? It’s so tempting sometimes to just hang up the phone and go back to sleep.
The Ring with a Human Voice
This is the loveliest but also the most embarrassing. The phone rings and you pick it up, your voice hoarse from sleep. A real live human being says, “Good morning, Ms. Mattenson, it is 5:30 a.m.” And then you say, “Thank you.” An actual exchange–there’s no mistaking this one. This is personal and real. This is when life hits you over the head and says, “Are you listening? Yes, you–get off your duff and make the move!”
The fact is, we don’t get to choose the kind of wake-up call we receive (hotels don’t give you the choice; why should the universe?). If you think you may have missed calls lately, you might want to check these out:
Callings: Finding and Following Authentic Life — by Gregg Levoy
Answering Your Call — by John Schuster
Awake is Good, a lovely blog by Jan Lundy (author of Your Truest Self)
Something to Think About
Let me leave you with a quote from Gregg Levoy’s book:
“You don’t want an answer you can put in a box and set on a shelf. You want
a question that will become a chariot to carry you across the breadth of your
life–a question that will lead you toward what you need to know for your
integrity [and] draw you to what you need for your journey…”
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
