it’s not about where you look but how often you shift your perspective

This month I am bringing you a simple message, and a valuable link.

The message
Imagine buying a camera and discovering that you can’t adjust the zoom lens. Or you are searching a location and your browser doesn’t let you zoom in or out on the map. Frustrating right? More importantly you would be limited in what you could do. Because one view doesn’t give you enough of what you need.

We are used to hearing that leaders are uniquely able to see the big picture; the metaview. Your people count on you to remind them of it, to navigate with it in mind and to infuse the work with a sense of purpose that emerges out of that big picture view. All true and not enough!

This month, Rosabeth Moss Kanter, in the March 2011 Harvard Business Review makes a simple yet critical point. Leaders actually need to be agile and know when to zoom in and when to zoom out.

“A close-in perspective is often found in relationship-intensive settings. It brings details into sharp focus and makes opportunities look large and compelling. But it can have significant downsides. Leaders who prefer to zoom in tend to create policies and systems that depend too much on politics and favors. They can focus too closely on personal status and on turf protection. And they often miss the big picture. When leaders zoom out, they can see events in context and as examples of general trends. They are able to make decisions based on principles. Yet a far-out perspective also has traps. Leaders can be so high above the fray that they don’t recognize emerging threats. Having zoomed out to examine all possible routes, they may fail to notice when the moment is right for action on one path. They may also seem too remote and aloof to their staffs”

The link:
The article is entitled, “Zoom In, Zoom Out.” It runs 5 printed pages in length.

How agile are you?

the “pen” -ultimate challenge

If you are reading this, then, like me, you probably believe that we are a work in progress. We evolve in response to the changes around us and the changes within us. Hopefully our evolution is conscious and intentional. We actively work on the bits and pieces that are the substance of who we are becoming. And more often than not, we get stuck. We get in our own way. We keep repeating old patterns or we find ourselves in the midst of completely new traps. Our mind is so good at deceiving us, at letting us rationalize avoidance of the tough inner work.

I want to share with you a simple idea that keeps hitting me in the face. It is my very own boxing bag that I try to punch out of my way; it gets the better of me every time. Ready?...

We can write our way into a new state of being.

Don’t say it, I know. You are not a writer. Writing doesn’t come naturally to you. You don’t have time for writing. Blah, blah, blah. Been there. Oh—and I am not talking about keeping a journal or a diary. Nope—been there too. There may be value to that for you. But in my experience, journals and diaries became a shrine to what is, and what was—not a pathway to what can be.

We can write our way into a new state of being.

I don’t have all the research at my fingertips about why this works. People I trust advocate writing as an essential element to change. And I know from personal experience that it works. Sometimes I am drawn into writing at a group event or when my own coach challenges me. And sometimes I am so stuck about a project or a goal, that I pick up my pen and tackle my demon to the ground. Do you know why? Because I can waste an awful lot of energy forcing myself to move past invisible obstacles. But when I use writing to explore the stuckness, the waters part of their own accord and the moving forward can feel so much easier.

I am going to share just two ways of writing for change that have been really helpful to me. I re-use them and adapt them ad infinitum to suit my need. There are myriad others and if you have strategies that have worked for you please let me know.

Letter Writing/Dialogue

• I write letters to people in my life living and lost—people I am struggling with and people who know me better than I know myself at times. These letters help me to clarify my feelings, my needs and my message. Sometimes I need a ritual to burn or bury these letters. Sometimes, they turn into real life conversations with people.
• I write to different parts of me—present, past and future. I write to parts of me that feel hard and judgmental. I write to parts of me that are vulnerable. I write to parts of me that have a longer view and can access some wisdom. I ask myself questions. I listen. When I do this I write it out as a dialogue. I become a script writer channeling the voices and energy I don’t often create space for.

Powerful Questions
Asking ourselves big important, open-ended questions is a way of sitting down with and tapping into the wise and reflective parts of ourselves. It is what I do for you when I am coaching. And we can do it for ourselves. Here are some examples of powerful questions:

• What is next?
• What am I learning about...?
• What reassurance do I need?
• How am I holding myself back?
• What is the support I could be asking for?
• If I could let this go, what would I grab hold of instead?
• What is getting my attention?

No one has to see your writing!! No one has to know you are writing. And, writing is a power tool. For your own leadership, for your own life. Try it.

Some resources you might be interested in:
The Life Organizer: A Woman’s Guide to a Mindful Year by Jennifer Louden
The Monster manual and Coloring Book by Havi Brooks

Stop. Pay. Attention. Experience.

At the start of this year 2011 I found myself paying attention to milestones. This month, my husband and I celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary. This year, our oldest son turns 18 and will graduate high school. I will pass the half century mark this summer.

These are watershed moments. And moments deserve rituals. Rituals say,

"Stop. Pay. Attention. Experience.”

“Think about the rituals in your life. They may revolve around your morning routine. The way you greet your children or your spouse at the end of the day. What you do on birthdays. Many of us associate rituals with lifecycle events in our lives-birth, marriage, death. So many of our faith traditions have these rituals because they say,

“Stop. Pay. Attention. Experience.”

If we take watershed moments seriously, if we don’t simply fall into them exhausted and out of breath because the rest of our lives are so crowded, if we not only plan for them but plan to be present in them, we allow them to speak to us in a small voice,

“This is an important moment in your one and only life. Take a deep breath. How do you want to enter this moment? How do you want to be here?”

Too often the watershed moments of our lives are crammed with details, plans and worrying. Surprise parties, people, food, favors. Photo ops, weather reports, speeches. The moment has come and gone and it barely registers in our consciousness. We weren’t there. Not in any meaningful way. We were stressing about how things weren’t going as planned. Or we’re distracted by a detail we think we have control over. We’ll look at the pictures later; someone is taking pictures, right? Wait, where is the photographer?!

5 verbs.

Pause Take the time to anticipate the moment. What is your hope for how it will be? What are you worried about?

Reflect What does this moment mean to you?

Intend Set an intention for how you want to experience the moment.

Act Create a ritual or enact one from your tradition. Let the action create the space that enables you to be fully present.

Allow Let go of all the details. Don’t force this moment to be anything other than what it is. It is the only way to be present.

so how’s it going?

One of my most valued resources is my copy of Susan Scott’s Fierce Leadership and my even more dog-eared copy of Fierce Conversations. In it she talks about common errors we make when we are about to launch into a difficult and frank conversation where the stakes are high. One of the common mistakes is opening up the conversation with the generic question, “So, how’s it going?” It is disingenuous, because you have a pretty strong opinion about how it’s going and it isn’t good. And it takes that much longer to wind your way to the main topic.

Today I want to point you to another context when this generalized question is less than useful. Let’s say you have just had a meeting with an employee or a key stakeholder. It may be a meeting where you did a lot of the talking or it may simply have been a conversation where some important issues were discussed or even decided upon. Before the conversation ends you offer some version of, “So are yo

u okay with this?”or “So are we good?” or “How are things going, in general?”

I bet your intentions are good. You want to know what the other person is thinking. But what if the meeting has gone on too long and they just want to get out of there. Maybe they don’t know you very well yet and they don’t trust that they can be honest. Maybe they don’t even know what you are asking them. So what you get is well...worthless. “Yeah sure we’ll be in touch.” Or “Terrific, thanks.”

What do you know now that you didn’t know before? Nothing. Wasted words.

What can you do instead?

Here are a few sample options and for each one—be prepared to answer the same que

stion! Or answ

er it for yourself first and then check in with the other person.

“Tell me what you are taking away from this conversation”

“What are the key points here and is there anything you think I am missing?”

“What are the next steps for us?”

“What’s the next conversation you and I need to have? What should we make sure to put on the agenda?”

These questions are specific. They will

give you concrete information about whether or not you are on the same page or heard the same things in the conversation. They will also ensure that you keep the door open for issues that may have been tabled (or that you were oblivious to) that need to be discussed in the future.

“So, are we good?” (just kidding!)

We Have Met The Enemy

Have you ever been confronted with an angry challenger? How do you react? If you are not completely triggered then you might respond professionally. You might also meet the energy of the challenger. They are angry and you respond angrily. Or they are mocking and you mock back. And what is happening internally? For so many of us, a seed gets planted which matures into a weed called, “they are the enemy.”
I was reading a post on Lessons from the world of Aikido. In lesson # 6, I found the following:

“Those who may challenge us are not the enemy. The only real enemy is inside
us... the real enemies are fear, self-doubt, anger, confusion, and jealousy and
other emotions inside us that can disturb the flow.”

Speaking of flow, this started a whole flow of thoughts in me that I wanted to share with you. Warning—these are not quick fixes. These thoughts challenge you to do deep inner work. It is the only way.

Thought 1: A Core Belief of mine (won’t you join me?) is: There is a divine spirit within each of us. We have the capacity to connect to a sacred spirit within ourselves and seek it out in others. Our spirit links us inextricably to powerful inner resources and to each other. It is too easy for that which is threatened in us to dehumanize the messenger. And yet, no matter what is coming at us, it is coming from a fellow human being.

Thought 2: This reminded me of Havi’s great ‘alignment’ exercise. It is all about how you move yourself toward finding common ground with the other person.

Thought 3: It can be hard to find common ground when we are upset. A process CRR Global calls the ‘partner as truth teller’ might help. We start by assuming that the quality we are confronted with (e.g. anger, harshness, judgment, etc.) actually lives in us too. We marginalize it in ourselves and don’t want to see it in others. How are we also angry (or judgmental, or harsh)? And then, although we know all the ways in which this quality troubles us, what is the essence of the quality? (Perhaps it is power or clarity or even faith.) If the essence energy lived in us, what could that look like?

You are not really the enemy and neither is the person confronting you. But if you are going to lead, you are going to want to become very familiar with all the parts of yourself that is quick to jump to that label.

announcement!

Thanks for getting the word out on Facebook, twitter and by forwarding to your friends.

I have just created a small group coaching program for non-profit and education
leaders. I have called it 4:4:1. It will serve 4 carefully selected leaders (who must apply), for 4 months and include a one-on-one private coaching session with me. And it is priced at half my usual fee. Only $1,000. One last thing: this is not a program for novice leaders. This is graduate work, for leaders who know that if you are going to take yourself and your institution to the next level you need to catapult your capacity.

The Tyranny of Either/Or Thinking

• If they are not working to my expectations, I need to do it all for them
• In every dispute, an employee is either right or wrong
• I can be a friend or I can be a boss but I can’t be both
• We can be loyal or we can be ruthless
• My business life and my personal life can’t be intertwined

These are great examples of either/or thinking. And they all come from my clients: sophisticated, highly effective clients. These beliefs showed up in our coaching because my client’s were experiencing dissonance and disequilibrium. When they acted on these beliefs they didn’t always get the expected results. And yet, they were having trouble finding the middle ground. Or, as one of my clients likes to say, “living in the gray.”

Listen to two clients reflect on how they moved out of an either/or stance. I propose some ways to characterize their strategy. You might see it differently:

Client #1: For the longest time I was hiring people I liked. I hired people who had potential. I hired people whom I thought I could mentor and develop. And then I would get stuck. I could build a relationship with them. I could be their friend. But often I would have to come down hard on them because they were not getting the job done. I thought this meant I needed to stop being friends with my employees and that made me very uncomfortable. Today I realize that I was hiring wrong. I now keep my focus on the position not the person. What is the need we are trying to fill? What are the organization’s needs we are trying to serve? With the right people in the right roles who better understand the organization’s expectations, I can be a boss and a friend. Strategy: Shift your focus. Do you have the right things in your view finder?

Client #2: I started my own business and at various times over the years I have had members of my nuclear and extended family work with me. Our business is a pressured one, and the stress can sometimes lead to conflict. I was sure that the conflict I was having with family members meant that I could not mix family with business. And yet, we were a family-oriented business. It took me a long time to realize that I was over-generalizing. There was one family member I needed to fire. I had to let him go. Once I did, I was able to find the balance with the rest of my family and I am working on rebuilding the personal relationship with the family member I let go. Strategy: Look for generalizations. Don’t chop down the whole apple tree for one rotten apple.

Pay attention to where you may be falling pray to your own either/or scenarios. How do you act when these beliefs dominate? What is the impact?

Cool Announcements:
There is a terrific new product out in the world entitled, “All about Inventive Play: The E-kit.” The sub-title is even better: “How to ditch the consumer gizmos and help your kid use imagination to build a great life.” Megan Lubaszka and her partners at Tandem Teaching have assembled a terrific set of resources most appropriate for parents and care-givers of pre-school and elementary aged kids. For all that you get with this offer it is only $47. I am not getting affiliate monies for this announcement. It is that good.

My dear friend, and colleague Judy Elkin and I are so excited about our new joint venture Watershed Moments Coaching. Too often, momentous occasions are fraught with miscommunication, hurt feelings and lost opportunities. Our vision is to enable every Watershed Moment in a family’s life to become one which creates powerful memories that sustain. Please head on over and check it out.

Setting Goals: 4 Common Mistakes

Let’s jump right in shall we? The topic: Goal setting. We all do it. Over the years I have noticed that there are common pitfalls in this process that are worth naming:

Too many: You are being overambitious. You feel the pressure of expectations. Yours and every one else’s. You can’t possibly settle for anything less than well...everything that needs to happen. So then what happens? You might feel frozen by the enormity of the task you have set for yourself. A shmatte* before you have even begun. Or you start the year in a sprint when this is a long distance event and your systems start to fail you way too early in the process.
*a spent rag

The wrong kind: Maybe you are too far down in the minutia. You have articulated 5 goals that are all really in the service of one big idea and you are predetermining aspects of getting to the goal that others need to weigh in on. Or, your goals contain a lot of ‘nice to have’s.’ And yet, they are not essential to your mission. So then what happens? Your people are frustrated—quality drops. Or, you are reporting on lots of progress but none of it has made a dent on the core purpose of your organization.

Invisible: You generated a serious list of goals. They are informing your thinking about all aspects of the work. And for some reason, you have not shared them. Your board doesn’t know what they are. Your leadership team has never seen them in black and white. The community you serve is completely in the dark. So then what happens? You are pulling and ‘they’ are pushing. You are getting pressure to make certain things a priority (some of which may already be a priority for you but no one knows that!). You are being assessed on the basis of stakeholders’ subjective sense of what you should be doing rather than on how you are doing relative to the specific goals you are trying to achieve.

Unimaginable: So let’s say you have a manageable set of goals that get to the heart of your work. Everyone knows what they are. BUT, no one knows what success looks like! How will you know when you have achieved the goals? There is no clarity and therefore people may be carrying different conceptions of what the goals are really about. So then what happens? People start to worry that in fact the goals are unrealistic. Or, no one has a clear sense of what steps it will take to reach the goals.

Take a good look in the mirror of your practice. Be transparent about what you have noticed. Involve your community in the process. Get information, get feedback.

And by the way...these apply to your personal relationships too. If you unload a laundry list of what is wrong with your relationship, get petty about the details, think you can change something and your partner will “just know” or are fuzzy about what you mean when you say you need to be more (fill in the blank) you will get stuck!