I dare you to speak of this at work

Feel

Heart

Body

Spirit/Soul

Love

Dream

 

These words and concepts raise eyebrows and generate awkward sideways glances in the established work world. Even before I was paid to shock the organizational system into acknowledging that all of us sitting in the room are human beings with heart and mind; body & soul- I was a "name the elephant in the room" kind of girl. 

And still, I have that moment when my pulse quickens and my heart jumps into my throat and I think, "Can I really say this here?" 

Isn't it surreal when people sit around a table and pretend that they aren't a jumble of emotions and aspirations. There is an amost palpable feel to the energy of suppression. Supressing our souls, our feelings, our dreams. 

I dream of the day when the kind of deep, open and real covnersation that happens between me and my clients are the norm in organizations. I guess that is the future I am trying to create.

Because my awe for humanity is such that I beleive that when we bring ourselves fully into relationship with each other- miraculous things unfold. 

 

Untitled

 

"Betterment is a perpetual labor. The world is chaotic, disorganized and vexing and medicine is nowhere saved that reality. To complicate matters, we in medicine are also only human ourselves. We are distractible, weak and given to our own concerns. Yet stills, to live as a doctor is to live so that one's life is bound up in others' and in science and in the messy, complicated connection between the two. It is to live a life of responsibility. The question then is not whether one accepts the responsibility. Just by doing this work, one has. The question is having accepted the responsibility, how one does such work well." Atul Gawande, better: A Surgeon's Notes on Performance

 

Do you find this quote as powerful as I do? II read this book several years ago and then  I heard the quote used in the context of a performance review for educators. The speaker made the point that one could substitute the word “teacher” for “doctor” and it would be just as relevant. There are many aspects of this quote that I find powerful; I share this with you because I dream of a world in which everyone can view their work in the world as living a life of responsibility. Just imagine if we could each get clear about our purpose and pursue it with a sense of commitment to “betterment”. If we all had a shared understanding that we were committed to our world in meaningful ways, we would look one another in the eye with a renewed sense of respect and recognition. It would not matter what we were doing-- what our specific “job” was. That would be far less important than the belief that we each have a role to play in this world and we are all engaged in clarifying that role, living it and perfecting it over the course of our lives. 

 

“the shortest distance between two people is a smile”

Is there a toxic relationship in your life?
You avoid this person in the hall.
You pretend you are otherwise engaged when s/he is in sight.
When you have to communicate you use email or leave voice mail messages.
Every exchange carries the weight of every past negative conversation you have ever had.
Your tone is harsh to defend against the hostility (or sarcasm, or judgment) you expect.
Even when s/he is saying something benign you hear the echoes of negative intent.

Sound familiar? You are in a conversation with people you like. The conversation is productive and easy. You laugh heartily. All of a sudden you realize “he” has joined the group. Your whole being tightens up and you bump right up against two totally different people: the person you are when you are at ease and the one you become in this person’s presence.

What is it costing you to stay so protected and boxed up?
What is it like to be suited up for battle all the time?
Is it accomplishing anything?
Is it changing the nature of the relationship for the better?
Are you calmer, more relaxed, safer?
Do you like yourself better?

Are there simple solutions to this dilemma? Not always.
Is it all up to you? Probably not.

There is at least one powerful tool that I keep rediscovering.
The internal impact is profound.
It dramatically shifts who we can be in relationship.
Are you ready?

Smile

Try it now.

Relax the muscles around your mouth.
Think about the one person or place or thing in the world that you love unconditionally.
Let your mouth and eyes relax into the smile that naturally follows.

Repeat often through out the day.
Practice makes Perfect.

And then when “s/he” passes by... you’ll be ready.

finger pointing is a boomerang sport

Sometimes when I work with an organizational client, the situation has deteriorated. More often than not, there is already an assumption about who is to blame. I am asked to come in and ‘fix’ this person.

In her book The Gifts of Imperfection, Brené Brown says that we can have three responses to pain. We blame, we judge or we try to fix. All of these are attempts to protect ourselves from actually feeling the pain.

“We’re behind schedule because he doesn’t know what he is doing.”
“We are losing customers because she has poor people skills.”
“Our board is making noises about our being over budget; I am going to have to take over the hiring and firing for now.”
“I could solve this problem if only he would stop micromanaging me.”

“But they really are the problem,” you say. (And by the way, notice how the more you convince yourself of this, the problem grows from what this person is doing/not doing to who they are as a human being.)

They probably do have a role in the current situation. Chances are, so do you. And that is the pain that you are avoiding when you point fingers at employees, peers or a boss. You are avoiding the possibility that you have failed in some way. You are defending yourself against feeling the vulnerability that comes with responsibility and accountability. And quite frankly you are avoiding the pain of a complex systemic issue.

It is so much easier to identify a culprit and fix them or nix them.

None of us want to learn that we may have helped contribute to a culture in which people are competing against each other making it harder for the organization to succeed. We don’t want to face the fact that we may have shut down honest communication and limited creative problem solving. We don’t want to admit that we are trying to accomplish an impossible goal or working under unrealistic expectations.

You don’t need to be perfect to be a powerful leader. So be brave and feel the pain:

• Stop talking. Start listening. Talk individually to everyone involved. Ask lots of questions. What is working? What are our strengths? What are the challenges? What am I doing to help? What am I doing that is getting in the way? What do you see as the priority right now?
• Bring everyone together. Paint a collective picture of the challenge. Come to agreement about what you will all consider a successful outcome.
• Ask everyone to make public commitments (you too) about what you will stop doing, start doing or continue to do to ensure that you reach a successful outcome.
• Thank each other for their collaborative effort. Talk together about how you will hold yourselves accountable to the plan.

That wasn’t so hard, was it?

it’s not about where you look but how often you shift your perspective

This month I am bringing you a simple message, and a valuable link.

The message
Imagine buying a camera and discovering that you can’t adjust the zoom lens. Or you are searching a location and your browser doesn’t let you zoom in or out on the map. Frustrating right? More importantly you would be limited in what you could do. Because one view doesn’t give you enough of what you need.

We are used to hearing that leaders are uniquely able to see the big picture; the metaview. Your people count on you to remind them of it, to navigate with it in mind and to infuse the work with a sense of purpose that emerges out of that big picture view. All true and not enough!

This month, Rosabeth Moss Kanter, in the March 2011 Harvard Business Review makes a simple yet critical point. Leaders actually need to be agile and know when to zoom in and when to zoom out.

“A close-in perspective is often found in relationship-intensive settings. It brings details into sharp focus and makes opportunities look large and compelling. But it can have significant downsides. Leaders who prefer to zoom in tend to create policies and systems that depend too much on politics and favors. They can focus too closely on personal status and on turf protection. And they often miss the big picture. When leaders zoom out, they can see events in context and as examples of general trends. They are able to make decisions based on principles. Yet a far-out perspective also has traps. Leaders can be so high above the fray that they don’t recognize emerging threats. Having zoomed out to examine all possible routes, they may fail to notice when the moment is right for action on one path. They may also seem too remote and aloof to their staffs”

The link:
The article is entitled, “Zoom In, Zoom Out.” It runs 5 printed pages in length.

How agile are you?

the “pen” -ultimate challenge

If you are reading this, then, like me, you probably believe that we are a work in progress. We evolve in response to the changes around us and the changes within us. Hopefully our evolution is conscious and intentional. We actively work on the bits and pieces that are the substance of who we are becoming. And more often than not, we get stuck. We get in our own way. We keep repeating old patterns or we find ourselves in the midst of completely new traps. Our mind is so good at deceiving us, at letting us rationalize avoidance of the tough inner work.

I want to share with you a simple idea that keeps hitting me in the face. It is my very own boxing bag that I try to punch out of my way; it gets the better of me every time. Ready?...

We can write our way into a new state of being.

Don’t say it, I know. You are not a writer. Writing doesn’t come naturally to you. You don’t have time for writing. Blah, blah, blah. Been there. Oh—and I am not talking about keeping a journal or a diary. Nope—been there too. There may be value to that for you. But in my experience, journals and diaries became a shrine to what is, and what was—not a pathway to what can be.

We can write our way into a new state of being.

I don’t have all the research at my fingertips about why this works. People I trust advocate writing as an essential element to change. And I know from personal experience that it works. Sometimes I am drawn into writing at a group event or when my own coach challenges me. And sometimes I am so stuck about a project or a goal, that I pick up my pen and tackle my demon to the ground. Do you know why? Because I can waste an awful lot of energy forcing myself to move past invisible obstacles. But when I use writing to explore the stuckness, the waters part of their own accord and the moving forward can feel so much easier.

I am going to share just two ways of writing for change that have been really helpful to me. I re-use them and adapt them ad infinitum to suit my need. There are myriad others and if you have strategies that have worked for you please let me know.

Letter Writing/Dialogue

• I write letters to people in my life living and lost—people I am struggling with and people who know me better than I know myself at times. These letters help me to clarify my feelings, my needs and my message. Sometimes I need a ritual to burn or bury these letters. Sometimes, they turn into real life conversations with people.
• I write to different parts of me—present, past and future. I write to parts of me that feel hard and judgmental. I write to parts of me that are vulnerable. I write to parts of me that have a longer view and can access some wisdom. I ask myself questions. I listen. When I do this I write it out as a dialogue. I become a script writer channeling the voices and energy I don’t often create space for.

Powerful Questions
Asking ourselves big important, open-ended questions is a way of sitting down with and tapping into the wise and reflective parts of ourselves. It is what I do for you when I am coaching. And we can do it for ourselves. Here are some examples of powerful questions:

• What is next?
• What am I learning about...?
• What reassurance do I need?
• How am I holding myself back?
• What is the support I could be asking for?
• If I could let this go, what would I grab hold of instead?
• What is getting my attention?

No one has to see your writing!! No one has to know you are writing. And, writing is a power tool. For your own leadership, for your own life. Try it.

Some resources you might be interested in:
The Life Organizer: A Woman’s Guide to a Mindful Year by Jennifer Louden
The Monster manual and Coloring Book by Havi Brooks

Stop. Pay. Attention. Experience.

At the start of this year 2011 I found myself paying attention to milestones. This month, my husband and I celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary. This year, our oldest son turns 18 and will graduate high school. I will pass the half century mark this summer.

These are watershed moments. And moments deserve rituals. Rituals say,

"Stop. Pay. Attention. Experience.”

“Think about the rituals in your life. They may revolve around your morning routine. The way you greet your children or your spouse at the end of the day. What you do on birthdays. Many of us associate rituals with lifecycle events in our lives-birth, marriage, death. So many of our faith traditions have these rituals because they say,

“Stop. Pay. Attention. Experience.”

If we take watershed moments seriously, if we don’t simply fall into them exhausted and out of breath because the rest of our lives are so crowded, if we not only plan for them but plan to be present in them, we allow them to speak to us in a small voice,

“This is an important moment in your one and only life. Take a deep breath. How do you want to enter this moment? How do you want to be here?”

Too often the watershed moments of our lives are crammed with details, plans and worrying. Surprise parties, people, food, favors. Photo ops, weather reports, speeches. The moment has come and gone and it barely registers in our consciousness. We weren’t there. Not in any meaningful way. We were stressing about how things weren’t going as planned. Or we’re distracted by a detail we think we have control over. We’ll look at the pictures later; someone is taking pictures, right? Wait, where is the photographer?!

5 verbs.

Pause Take the time to anticipate the moment. What is your hope for how it will be? What are you worried about?

Reflect What does this moment mean to you?

Intend Set an intention for how you want to experience the moment.

Act Create a ritual or enact one from your tradition. Let the action create the space that enables you to be fully present.

Allow Let go of all the details. Don’t force this moment to be anything other than what it is. It is the only way to be present.