talk about the small annoyances

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Small annoyances grow into large annoyances. And sometimes into crises.

Not always—but more often than we like to admit.

 

Small annoyances are….

 

Harsh or nagging emails

A knee-jerk, “no”

A need to publicly prove others wrong

Lateness or laxity

Passivity when you need energetic initiative

Aggressiveness when you need thoughtful reflection

Indecision

Rigidity

 

Often out of the goodness of our hearts, we dismiss our annoyed reaction. Everyone has a bad day, right? We would want the same courtesy. This is an important instinct. And we have to watch when we are relying on it a bit too much. When the annoyance becomes a pattern of behavior and we still hold back from saying something.

 

When is it appropriate to hold back?

 

When you are overwrought and too emotional to control your response

When you have no time to take in the reaction

When you are not sure if this is really more about your own triggers and not their behavior

 

But it is important ultimately to say something.

 

When I tell you about the impact of your annoying behavior on me (and possibly on our organization) I accord you a measure of respect and regard. I make the assumption that we both care about the influence we have on others. I give you an opportunity to self-correct. You can help me understand more about why this behavior is showing up. And now we can begin to work on change.

 

And of course, sometimes even with honest and constructive conversation, even with mentoring or coaching support, even with trying to shift things to make it possible for best selves to show up—things will not change.

 

In my experience, this is sad, frustrating and even challenging. But it is rarely a crisis if the lines of communication have been opened. 

Words Matter

Several years ago i put out my core values on my website. Words Matter is one that is near and dear to my heart. Tyoday I saw this awesome video created by Rabbi Sharon Brous and it is PERFECT! Please watch it! 

 

 

Lead This Way...

For 5 years I have been telling my clients that I don’t ascribe to or promote any particular leadership style.

 

 

My role is to help you to find your own personal way of leading that works for you.

If you try to copy someone else’s style, it will fall flat.

You have to clarify your own values and assumptions and act from that place.  What I do ascribe to is a developmental approach to leadership development. You can’t stagnate. It is critical to continue to evolve as a leader.

 

I lied.

Partially.

Not intentionally.

 

So if you work with me now or you are thinking about it- pay attention. Here is what I believe we are striving for. Good leaders…

 

Understand their own emotional reactions and use it to understand others.

            Are humble and open.

            See what is working and acknowledge it

See what is possible and work toward it

Are not always reacting;

Step back and sense what is trying to happen-

in the team

in the organization,

in the larger environment in which they function

Don’t believe they can lead alone.

Find good people.

Tap into the wisdom of their people.

 

Wait a minute.  What about-

 

Decision-making

Vision

Communication skills

(and so much else)

 

Yup—good stuff.

And you might be stronger in some areas and weaker in others.

No one can be everything.

 

I am digging a well and inviting you to gather ‘round and drink from it.

(Leadership development can make you thirsty! J)

 

 

 

Spellcheck Musings: Shabbat

Although I started my professional life as a Jewish educator, and the integrated whole of who I am simply can’t be pulled apart into Jewish and secular components, I don’t often write in public about Jewish themes. Many of you- my loyal readers- are not Jewish and some of you feel no real connection to any religious group.

 

But today, I was typing the word Shabbat for the googolest time in my life, and as always, the spell check wanted to suggest that in fact I meant “showboat”. 

 

שבת 

 

Background: Shabbat:  

The Hebrew word for the Jewish Sabbath, which takes place from an hour before sundown Friday to sundown Saturday. The root of the word implies rest, desisting from work, possibly even return. For me it is the gift of time that reconnects me to my divine source, to my community and to my family. It disconnects me (literally) from most of the modern technological conveniences and ritualizes reflection, appreciation, study and song. If this is the first you are hearing of the Jewish Sabbath, I direct you to The Sabbath by Abraham J. Heschel.

 

So—Showboat….

In so many ways showboats and what takes place on them are the antithesis of my Shabbat experience. And yet… I was suddenly enchanted by the image of the old showboats gallantly moving down the river way. I imagine that after the speed of almost every one of our current conveyances, the feeling on the water in a showboat is not unlike the sudden pleasure and power of Shabbat for me.

And the river.

The river.

It works as a Shabbat metaphor.

Flowing through my life, ever present, ever powerful.

I can swim in it and I can float in it.

I can choose to sit on the banks or I can let it carry me in its currents.

 

And suddenly I hear Paul Robeson’s moving rendition of Ol Man River

O' man river,

Dat ol' man river,

He mus'know sumpin'

But don't say nuthin'

He jes' keeps rollin'

He keeps on rollin' along

 

Blowing in the Wind

On some days, if you asked me what I do I would tell you I am a systems coach. Thanks to CRR Global I have a deep and profound set of skills that enable me to support people in the way they show up most naturally- in relationship with each other. To quote Brene Brown in her Ted talk, “Connection is why we are here.”  And it turns out that it is a lot easier to living meaningful and fulfilling lives at work and at home if you have some capacity for thriving in relationships (otherwise known as systems).

One of the most powerful concepts to come out of CRR Global is the idea of a Third Entity ™  

Here is the way CRR describes it on their website:

 

Each group, team or partnership is more than just a collection of individuals. The combined experiences, intelligences and energy form a unique and separate entity that is more than the sum of its parts. 

So every relationship I find myself in is comprised of me, the other, and our third entity ™.

For those solopreneurs out there it will come as no surprise when I tell you that I have a relationship with my own business. I used to brow beat my business into succeeding. It didn’t take very well to that. I would occasionally enter into a period of benign neglect. It didn’t like that much either.  It has taken me years to go from a very administratively competent, linear, strategic professional to one who is willing and able to sense what is trying to happen and stay open to that. When I really stepped back and listened to what the Third Entity ™ of my business had to say and really heard what it needed I learned something interesting.

 

It thrives in the wind. When pinned down-- it rebels and flies off.

And it is brilliant at catching the energy of passion and integrity. It told me that sometimes when I start panicking, or feeling inferior to others out there doing amazing work, (and this doubting my business) I need to remember that what looks like flailing is actually dancing and we (my business and I) have our own path.

 

When I feel the breeze and trust that dance—let me tell you the possibilities are endless. I have been carried off into places with so much potential. So many of you striving to do good, striving to contribute.

 

A business that thrives in the wind may not have a formal business plan—but boy does it pick up!

 

 

 

Friends At Work

I recently taught a course on communication issues in the workplace and the students pointed me to a challenge I have never personally encountered. 

What do you do when friends become colleagues and your way of relating to each other is not particularly helpful in the work environment?  

and even harder...

What do you do when you are your friend's supervisor? 

My own experience is more of the-- my best friends are the people I worked closely with on projects I cared about --variety. So that pattern was always reversed. And yet I do understand the dilemma. 

We have certain roles and habits that develop in our friendships. Some of which we are pretty happy and comfortable with and are fine --outside of work. Sometimes those roles are not actually that comfortable anywhere and in the glare of the fluorescent lighting at work really take on a troubling hue. We worry about rocking the boat. We worry that saying something could risk both the work and the personal relationship.

Here are some of the ideas we came up with. They all boil down to one thing of course:

TALK ABOUT IT!

• Name the problem with the way you behave with each other. Talk about why it is problematic at work. Are you cracking inappropriate jokes in meetings? Are you ignoring each other when you should be actively collaborating? Check to see if you both experience this the same way. 

 

• Support each other to be the best you can be at work. In a good friendship, you are hyper attuned to your friend’s gifts. Tell her the potential you see in her. Help him shine and ask for help to do the same.

 

• Don’t leave things vague. One student told me he spoke to a friend/colleague and his friend response, “Yeah, fine. I get it.” Was not particularly helpful. He made sure not to leave it that way. They kept talking not only about what it might look like to behave differently with each other at work but also created some signals to use when they fell back on old patterns.

 

• Make time for the friendship outside of work. Sometimes, it is easy to get lazy and think that seeing each other all the time at work is the relationship.

 

• If you are the supervisor: tell your friend exactly what you think needs to change and talk about how you can both make it work. What do you need? What does your friend need?  

 

What is your experience with this? What has worked for you?

 

 

 

You CAN'T Avoid Pain

Do you know what the biggest epidemic of our time is?

 

AVOIDING PAIN

 

We don’t want a bad grade

We don’t want a bad review

We run from disappointment

We run from troubled relationships

We avoid hard conversations

We don’t want to get on a scale

We don’t want to look in the mirror

Color the hair, cut out the fat, and smooth the wrinkles

We don’t want to be the ‘bad guy’

We think we have to stop crying

We pretend we are okay

We shun failure

 

We invest so much energy in feeling good, feeling happy. Protecting ourselves from feeling bad. It scares us. It stops us in our tracks. For some it is the primary motivator in life. Succeed—so I don’t fail. Achieve—so I don’t notice the hole in my heart.

 

I have learned many things from and with my clients but first and foremost my life has taught me that pain is an integral part of life and when we hide from it, we risk losing a piece of our own humanity.

 

Sometimes we have to roll up in a fetal position and shake with terror

Sometimes we have to eat crow

Sometimes we have to feel such heavy loss that our limbs no longer carry us

Sometimes we have to face our own weaknesses

Sometimes we have to accept responsibility for causing others harm

Sometimes we have to look in the mirror and accept that perfection does not exist.

Sometimes we have to do without, suffer, sacrifice, retrench, retreat and recover.

 

And that is the proof that we are human.

(Not to put too fine a point on it but …that is the proof that we are not G-d. )

 

That is the seeds of our survival. Learning how to live in the garden and learning how to journey out from it.  Learning how to accept ourselves for our humanity. Learning how to accept each other for theirs.

 

 

 

 

 

Take In The View Before You Set Your Goals

I had a great conversation today with a client who is in his 4^th year at the helm of his organization. He brought about a lot of change in his first three years and really set the organization on a firm foundation toward excellence. He described it as climbing a mountain. He is now standing on the top of the mountain.

Do you know the feeling? You just completed a huge project successfully. You met some really big goals. You overcame challenges to accomplish something worthwhile. And then there is a little sadness. It’s over. Or it seems to be. What do you do with your time and energy now? How do you transition into the next thing?

Back to my client: He is a little uneasy with the calm and the seeming cessation of challenging forward movement. He asks, “What is my job now? I know there are plenty of new goals to set and so much more we could be doing. And yet, it feels like we are still walking the same paths only improving our capacity to reach the summit by degrees.”

So I encouraged him to think about his metaphor. He is now at a plateau with a vista. He can look back down and revisit the journey and the accomplishment. He can acknowledge what he and his team have been able to do. He can also look out and around. This is an opportunity to be still for a while and just notice what is happening around him. What is out there? What new possibilities? What new terrain to traverse?

Do you allow yourself some time and space between action to just notice? What catches your attention? Give yourself just a little more time than feels natural to stop planning and proposing and just watch what might emerge.

Back to my client: We started the conversation about what he is noticing. What seeds of new ideas might be hidden in the discomfort of his stillness. What new perspective he had after his first set of accomplishments. We began to map some possibilities but not too firmly. He is starting to enjoy the exploration. There is more here.

 

How about you…?

 

Collaboration

You didn't get into this mess alone;

 

Find the folks

who are going to help you

get out of it. 

 

Are we too protective?

The outside in…

The senior leadership team is in their monthly meeting. As we zoom in, we watch as one member consistently puts her points forward in self-assured declarative statements. She tells you why she is right. She reminds you of her prior experience that puts her in a unique position to know. She lays out a pretty thoughtful plan. She hasn’t expressed any doubt, asked any questions (that she doesn’t already know the answer to). The people around the table know to expect this and they tolerate it because, actually, she is right a lot of the time. The team leader is internally scratching his head because he knows that important conversations are being shut down as a result of this dynamic.

 

The inside out….

Over the years, our life experiences act like irritations in the mollusk shell and we slowly coat ourselves with the nacre that protects our vulnerabilities. Layer after layer, year after year, we feel more protected, more girded against the many ways in which life can touch our soft spots and make us feel unsafe. And like the nacre, we start to see the beauty in that protection. We become resilient. Those coatings stop serving as a protection and start to define who we are. We would sooner lose our nacre than walk outside naked. Eventually, others never really get to see who we are in all our humanity, we sacrifice intimacy and connection. And sometimes, we even forget to set aside the shell when we are alone.

 

What if I told you the woman in the team meeting has always been under-estimated. Her gender or her color or her accent has triggered more biased events than she cares to recall. Her nacre is pride. It is proving. It is aggressive self-promotion.

 

The way forward…

The woman is trapped in her protection. She is so worried that she will be viewed negatively that she is missing how she is actually being perceived.

Her work is to start to crack her shell just enough that she can look inside.

Her work is to allow herself to feel vulnerable occasionally and understand she won’t fall apart.

Her work is to eventually risk sharing that vulnerability. It might look like saying, “I don’t know” occasionally. It might look like holding her tongue even when she thinks she should speak. It might mean taking a risk and asking for feedback from her colleagues on how she could improve their working relationship. 

Are you on that team?

What is your work?

 

THE QUIET DAY

Today I am joing with the Quiet Place to silence phones, hold off on posting to facebook and communicating in lower case with gentle communication. 

 

We all need a day like this don't we?

I Choose To Believe

We are never alone

We encounter the world through relationship. Our relationships with ourselves, each other and our environment evolve and call us forth to examine who we are now, who we are becoming and how we can contribute. Tap into connection.

We have a choice

The fabric of our world is woven with a promise- that we can always return to our best selves, to our power to shape a world in which all living things thrive. It is not only a promise but also a choice we make every moment. Choose integrity.

Words matter

The words we use can both create and destroy. How we speak shapes who we are and how we share meaning. When our voice emanates from the heart we all change. Speak with intention.

Laughter is a gift

Genuine laughter touches the soul and brings us closer to ourselves and to each other. When we can trust the spontaneity of joy, we begin to trust ourselves. Laugh with abandon.

We are sacred

We each embody a sacred spirit. It is the gift we are given and the gift we give. You remind me of my potential. I remind you of yours. Our spirit links us inextricably to the divine and to each other. Trust your value.

Let's Start a Revolution of Patience

Platitude Alert: CHANGE TAKES TIME

President Obama has repeatedly said that the kind of change he wants to see in this country will take time. Cynics will say that he is managing our expectations and protecting himself. I think, regardless of your politics, if you are honest with yourself you know it is true. 

And yet our way of life is so antithetical to patience with change. Now that I am at long last a smart phone owner- I know how instantaneously I get and receive information and responses. And believe me-I LOVE it. Technology has aided and abetted our addiction to speed. 

_______________

In the coaching world we like to say that coaching is not like therapy. You can reach your goals and see progress in a much shorter amount of time.  We, too, feed into the need for people to see change quickly. And it can be true. However, what is even truer is that the real lasting change, the kind of change that takes root in your bones so that you experience yourself differently-that change is slower. I am blessed to have some clients who have been with me for years. And they will tell you, I have tried to fire them. And yet the blessing of working with them over a significant amount of time is the chance to witness lasting transformation. 

I have been working with my own coach now for 6 years. And while to most of the world, I am essentially who I have always been- I know- and she knows- that I am more resilient, more grounded, more compassionate (to myself!) and connected to all that gives meaning to my life than I was when we started. 

_______________

Have you ever grieved for a loved one? Over 2 years after losing my sister I know that I am still learning how to live in the world as an only child. Did I move on with my life relatively soon? Sure. have I finished grieving? Not by a long shot. 

_______________

It takes effort to slow down. I sometimes ask my clients to tap out a beat with their hand at the pace they would like to be moving. I encourage them to use this beat as their internal metronome as they talk, and walk and move through their day. Easy? Not at all. 

I am more and more convinced that our innate potential and creativity, our capacity to give and love are all a product of the slow times--not the fast ones. 

What do you think? 

Will you start this SLOW revolution with me? 

Love what you do...

Me: I can't wait until tomorrow when I can put in a full day of work. 

My 17yr. old son: You can't wait?

Me: Yes. I love what I do and I want to get back to it.

My 17 yr. old son: Isn't that great that you love what you do?

Me: It is. It didn't happen by accident. My career choices have all been motivated by paying attention to what energizes me and what ignites my passion and compassion. 

My 17 yr. old son: MMM. I can't wait until I finish HS!

 

 

Can there be any other way than to love what you do? I am not naive. I know many of you don't. And I also know that no matter what you do... you have the choice to find within it the place where you can contribute. Where you matter. And if you can't--you have the choice to leave. Or you have the choice to find other places in your life where you can you pour your passion. 

Life is too short to blame other people and circumstances. You have gifts. Yours is but to recognize them, use them and feel the joy of being well-used!

 

 

Curtain Call for Being Busy?!

Recently, when I asked a client if he had a conversation that he had been eager to have and that we prepared for together, he said, “No I have been too busy.” In our day-to-day lives, we hear this from each other all the time. In fact we probably say it all the time. And yet as a coach—it stopped me short. 

 

Before I say more about why—you might be interested in what others have been writing and saying about being busy.

 

This piece, entitled “The Busy Trap” from the NY Times was very poignant and I like the fact that he talks about being busy as “a choice!”

 

This article from Kids Health cites a poll of over 880 kids aged 9-13. It turns out that 90% of them felt stressed because they were too busy.

 

This thought piece entitled, “Why Being Busy Can Keep You From Getting Ahead” which appeared in Forbes suggests that busy-making activities usually are down in the details and take us away from reflective big picture thinking.

 

So why did my client’s statement that he was too busy stop me short?

 

It helped me to realize that we had failed to work through a more core ambivalence about the conversation. “I have been too busy” is an excuse. In this case it is really saying,

 

“I am not sure I want to have this conversation.”

Or

“I am worried I will blow it.”

Or

“I don’t want to be rejected.”

 

And this is something I see a lot. We use busyness as a way of avoiding important relationship moves. We avoid dodge hard truths. We shun confrontation. We sidestep commitment. We avoid uncertainty. And to complicate matters, society has made it socially acceptable to hide behind being “busy”.

 

I am grateful that my clients are courageous enough to revisit their own ambivalences and work through them. Together we are pulling aside the curtain of busyness and shining a light on what it has been masking…

 

 

 

Harvest Your Experience and Plant New Seeds for Next Year

Rabbi Ruth Fagen has posted the most beautiful meditation for the New Year. 

http://elearning.huc.edu/wordpress/continuinged/?p=1660

 

I intend to begin using it today.

Please join me....

 

 

 

EXPERIMENT!

Trial balloon, improv, pilot, testing the waters, use the words that feel right. 

Too often when we are at the helm or even in a new role and feel all eyes on us---we are hamstrung by the belief that we have to get it "right". No room for error. Mistakes will not be forgiven. 

Or...we tell everyone we are in learning mode. We give ourselves permission to hold off on any big moves and just take stuff in. 

The truth is the only way to learn is by doing. Rolling up ourselves and getting a little dirty. The only way kids learn is by making their own mistakes and figuring out how to fix them. The only way couples learn to develop a truly deep and lasting relationship is by accidentally triggering each other's vulnerabilities and working through more supportive and productive ways to navigate them in the future. 

What we need is a personal stance that embraces the "experiment". The "let's try this and see how it turns out" attitude.

Did you ever take a class in clay sculpture? Or charcoal drawing? Do you remember how in the begining we got to just "play" with the medium? Do you remember how freeing that was? 

Play with the variables at your disposal. Get into the spirit of discovery and possibility. Expect failure. Set the expectation that these are experiments. As long as you are collecting data that you can all look at and consider--there will be learning. 

An organization that can play, that can experiment, that can learn from mistakes is a resilient organization. It is an engaged organization. It is a compassionate organization. 

 

"Alignment"- All Jazzed Up

I have been simplifying and clarifying in all aspects of my life and that includes a redesign of my website. I am trying to move away even more from words that sound canned or jargony. I want you to connect to what I am saying and offering without rolling your eyes or having to scratch your head.

 

I realized that I use the word “alignment” a lot. I may find an alternative. In the meantime, I thought it might be worthwhile exploring what that means and why I see it as a value for my clients.

Alignment is not: 

• Total agreement
• Sublimating my needs to meet yours
• Touchy-Feely
• A waste of time

Alignment is:

• Becoming aware of the gap between our beliefs, strategies and goals
• Finding shared interests or values even when our positions differ
• Standing side by side and looking together at the same goals
• Supporting each other to serve our shared interests 

The Jazz Improv metaphor:

Have you ever watched Jazz musicians jam? It is a beautiful thing.  They are listening inward to the music in their head, they are connecting to their instrument and they are listening outward to the music that is being created with their fellow musicians. Everyone seems to have a role—not always all at once, but there is a trust that their moment will come, their instrument can contribute. They are attuned to one another.

 

Think about your team. Think about your family. When you are aligned the way jazz musicians are aligned, you feel supported, you feel well-used and heard, you are at the ready to play a constructive role and to wait it out when it’s not your turn. You might be surprised at how other people do their job and you find a way to weave your approach into theirs. More often than not you have a smile on your face because this way of working and living keeps you feeling alive!

 

I know. You know. And extensive research literature proves, that teams that function this way—are more productive, satisfy their customers better and get consistently higher ratings on performance evaluations.

 

And –their heart rate is healthier, their BMI is in check and their sense of well-being is enviable. Now you know why I try to coach for alignment? 

 

It turns out that being vulnerable is hard...

Being vulnerable at work has never been an issue.

Telling people I don't know something- piece of cake. 

Letting people know I am a beginner and might get it wrong- all in a day's work. 

Admitting to fear and insecurity- de rigeur.

 

I don't know why this has been true for me. I managed to develop a set of healthy assumptions borne out by experience that people appreciate honesty. That I can ease my own anxiety when I am transparent about it. That I don't have to be an expert at everything to be good at many things.

My clients on the other hand really struggle with this. And yet they struggle even more when they try to hide the source of their vulnerability. What my clients are learning slowly, with gentle support, is that it is so much easier to come out of the closet with their shortcomings than to stuff it all into that closet and hope no-one opens it accidentally. 

A book that I have found valuable on this topic is Getting Naked by Patrick Lencioni.

 

 

How are you doing with being vulnerable?

Authentic Facade

One of the saddest things a client said to me recenty is that he has learned how to put on an authentic facade. 

It used to be his superpower. 
He listened to people. Intently.

People felt heard and valued by him.  

Then the to-do list grew. Then he had more people reporting to him. Then every encounter fet like an intrusion and an interruption. 

He is one of the lucky ones though. He knows it is a facade. He doesn't like it. 

He is working on saying no to things that don't need his attention. He is working on constructive self-talk:

Be Here Now

This conversation can make a difference

Who knows what will be possible if I can make a real connection?

How about you?

What is the facade you have erected?