WORDS MATTER

Two people. Two soulful people. Two passionate people.

Two people who make a living by giving to others in deep and impactful ways.

Two people with integrity.

 

• One is frustrated because of a boss who is not leading with integrity and vision. He opened up a difficult conversation with this boss. He tried to work it through. He said things like, “You never…” “Why can’t you…?”

[This is blaming language. It leads to defensiveness or stonewalling. It escalates.]

 

• The other is frustrated because a program near and dear to her heart could get cut by the powers that be. She felt she couldn’t approach the powers so she wrote a cathartic letter to her colleagues who shared her view and blasted the leaders who didn’t.

[This is passive aggressive. This creates festering wounds inside of an organization. This is actually contemptuous.]

 

 One of my core values is that WORDS MATTER.

The words we use can create and destroy. How we speak shapes who we are and how we share meaning. When we speak from the heart we all change. We need to make room for multiple voices: those inside of us and those around us. 

My people were speaking from their frustration. From their sense of powerlessness. From their head actually disconnected from their heart. When I redirected them to their heart (and taught them a few key communication tips) the one was able to have a new kind of conversation with his boss and the other mustered the courage to speak directly and constructively to the powers that be.

 

Two lessons for me:

1)      Being human (even the best of humans) means coming face to face with emotions that are not always pretty. And so often, especially when we are good people, we hide those emotions --from ourselves. Until they leak out. Until they show up in our words.

 2)      The only way out is through—our feelings. And we need to vent and let ourselves have our tantrums and our rants. And then we need to take a deep breath and ask ourselves, “What is the conversation I need to have now? With Whom? How can I speak from my heart and be heard?” 

 

Hard Truths

In the past month I have encountered a school, a healthcare company and a large non-profit all experiencing communication breakdown. By which I mean, people at all levels of the organization are not having direct conversations with each other. And when they are, they are being less than honest. They are talking about each other, not to each other.

“Can you believe s/he...”
“I am so frustrated with...”
“How could s/he have been promoted?”

They are seeking out managers and supervisors.

“You really need to do something about...”
“S/he is ruining the morale in...”

There are many reasons why this could be happening. Let me mention two. Your people might be thinking...

• If I take my issue up with the person directly, I might have to change too. I might have to be part of the solution.
• If I speak directly, I might face an angry response or even retaliation. We would find ourselves in conflict and things would get worse not better.

  
  Can you hear the sense of defeat and the fear underlying these? There is also powerlessness and a lack of trust.

  If you are a leader in your organization, noticing this same behavior, you probably already know that you can’t mandate it out of existence. Simply telling everyone to stop back channel conversations and work things out with each other directly is pretty useless. What you really need to do is tackle the underlying obstacles.

  1. It goes without saying that the first place to look is in the mirror. What are you modeling? What are you afraid of? What do you need to learn how to do? Having trouble being honest with yourself? Get a coach!

  2. You may need to help your people develop better communication and conflict resolution skills? First name the problem to your people. Come right out and say what you are seeing and why you feel it is tearing at the fabric of your organization. Then bring in some outside expertise to jump-start the process and continue to provide group opportunities to practice. Here are some resources to explore:

  Fierceinc.: Susan Scott’s organization gives your people a no nonsense approach to developing the skills that build powerful organizations.

  The Center for Non Violent Communication: A deeply respectful approach to communication. You can request a certified trainer to come to your organization.

  

  3. Read Five Dysfunctions of a Team together. Use the self-assessment in the back of the book. Work through each level of the model beginning with trust.

  There is no quick fix on this issue and there is no way around—only through. There will be discomfort and there will be growth. And when there is growth, there is a healthy organization.