Can You Express Appreciation? [Leadership]

Before eating our Thanksgiving dinner, we paused to declare what we are thankful for. I am sure we join millions of families in America in this ritual. This year, we included a personal expression of appreciation for each member of our family. My family is used to my tendency to "orchestrate" these events. (We won't talk about the year that everyone found a discussion prompt under their dinner plate which they were required to use during the meal!) So I had several requests:

1. Look the person in the eye
2. Tell them what they did that made an impact
3. Tell them how you felt when they did what they did
4. Tell them what need of yours was met by their actions

I learned these simple steps from Marshall Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. He describes how too often, our appreciation is really a masked judgment- no matter how positive. Who are we to say that this person is smart, or generous? And if we deem them worthy today, will we change our minds tomorrow? It is well worth reading the entire book and the last chapter will offer you stories and strategies for expressing and accepting appreciation.

Harvard psychologists, Bob Kegan and Lisa Lahey, say that our professional lives would be so much more fulfilling if we could express appreciation more effectively. In the fifth chapter of their book, How The Way We Talk Can Change The Way We Work they claim that most often we confer "indirect, nonspecific entitlements." In a group context we also have a tendency to talk in the third person, "Jane did a fantastic job" even when the person we are thanking is in the room with us! They have three simple recommendations. They also offer a user-friendly chart that clearly distinguishes between the common way we have of expressing appreciation and the more constructive language of "ongoing regard."

There is a lot of research that documents the effect of appreciation and admiration on healthy relationships, particularly in marriages. I came across this article entitled, "Love, Honor and Thank" on the way appreciation can influence the age-old conflict over division of labor in the home.

Although it is ideal when we can have face to face conversations with the people we want to thank, a well written note can have lasting impact. Several months after my friend and colleague, Lenny Zakim passed away (see PS: September) close mutual friends were cleaning out his office and found a packet of letters in his top desk drawer. These were letters I had written over the years, in which I would thank him for his words in a speech or his actions on a particular occasion that came at the right time for me and inspired me in my own work. What he never knew, was that I had my own packet of letters that he had sent me. Learn how to express appreciation well and often- there is no greater gift!