It's Painstaking Work

Have you ever watched a programmer coding?

On a recent 6 hour flight I watched a woman coding a website.  (At least, I think that is what she was doing.) She would type a few keystrokes into a window that had lines and lines of text, then check another window with what looked like a website and see the impact. Back and forth. Back and forth. For hours.

That is what programmers and designers do, right? Somehow we expect certain kinds of work to require patience and repetition and revision. Architects come to mind, and engineers. Accountants? 

And yet when it comes to working with people- our peers, our bosses, our employees...we just want them to "get it". We don't want to repeat ourselves. We don't want to have to work through slow change efforts and revised approaches. 

Who are we kidding? People are infinitely more complex than numbers and code. And far more unpredictable.

And far more valuable. 

So keep in mind: Patience my dear friends, patience. 

Are you "sort of" hedging?

I have just listened to the recordings of three calls I facilitated. I was mortified to discover that I use the expression, "sort of" almost as much as my teen-aged boys say, "like" or "so...yeah". 

And then I noticed I wasn't the only one. 

Now I hear it everywhere. 

This phrase weakens what I am saying. It makes me sound tentative. And sort of weak...so yeah. 

The definition is "to some extent". How is that for equivocating? Is it or isn't it What do you think? What do I think? 

I could substitute the expression for the adverb: rather. "It is rather obnoxious, wouldn't you say?" It sounds more elegant- begs a British accent, in fact. But really, it is still paltering. (Now there is a word I have to use more!) 

I am putting a stake in the ground for clear and confident speech. I will say what I think and what I feel. I will say it respectfully. I will say it transparently. 

And I can be wrong. (Let's face it, I will be wrong a lot of the time.) I can apologize. I can take it back. I can re-think. I can be influenced by you. 

Are you with me? Sort of? 

Hard Truths

In the past month I have encountered a school, a healthcare company and a large non-profit all experiencing communication breakdown. By which I mean, people at all levels of the organization are not having direct conversations with each other. And when they are, they are being less than honest. They are talking about each other, not to each other.

“Can you believe s/he...”
“I am so frustrated with...”
“How could s/he have been promoted?”

They are seeking out managers and supervisors.

“You really need to do something about...”
“S/he is ruining the morale in...”

There are many reasons why this could be happening. Let me mention two. Your people might be thinking...

• If I take my issue up with the person directly, I might have to change too. I might have to be part of the solution.
• If I speak directly, I might face an angry response or even retaliation. We would find ourselves in conflict and things would get worse not better.

  
  Can you hear the sense of defeat and the fear underlying these? There is also powerlessness and a lack of trust.

  If you are a leader in your organization, noticing this same behavior, you probably already know that you can’t mandate it out of existence. Simply telling everyone to stop back channel conversations and work things out with each other directly is pretty useless. What you really need to do is tackle the underlying obstacles.

  1. It goes without saying that the first place to look is in the mirror. What are you modeling? What are you afraid of? What do you need to learn how to do? Having trouble being honest with yourself? Get a coach!

  2. You may need to help your people develop better communication and conflict resolution skills? First name the problem to your people. Come right out and say what you are seeing and why you feel it is tearing at the fabric of your organization. Then bring in some outside expertise to jump-start the process and continue to provide group opportunities to practice. Here are some resources to explore:

  Fierceinc.: Susan Scott’s organization gives your people a no nonsense approach to developing the skills that build powerful organizations.

  The Center for Non Violent Communication: A deeply respectful approach to communication. You can request a certified trainer to come to your organization.

  

  3. Read Five Dysfunctions of a Team together. Use the self-assessment in the back of the book. Work through each level of the model beginning with trust.

  There is no quick fix on this issue and there is no way around—only through. There will be discomfort and there will be growth. And when there is growth, there is a healthy organization.

  

PATCHWORK

: something composed of miscellaneous or incongruous parts :

I prefer the antonym. I am thinking of words like integrity, cohesion, blended.

I am looking at this beautiful art work of Cheryl Sorg's. (She inspires me --that is for another post.) I actually own a small piece of patchwork collage made by Cheryl that is hanging in my office. And right now PATCHWORK feels like a generative way of thinking about my life. 

My career life's work, over time and in present day has been a juxtaposition of different roles, different contexts, different ways of contributing and collaborating. 

Any given day is a patchwork of people, places and activities. 

My brain is a patchwork of texts, melodies, new thoughts and memories. 

My heart is a patchwork of emotions.

This is important to me because patchwork (as so beautifully illustrated by Cheryl Sorg) is thoughtful and coherent. There is reason and meaning. 

Each element is important in its own right. And together it is a creation- in the divine sense of that word.

It is a thing of beauty. 

Does the metaphor work for you? If not, what would you suggest?

 

 

 

FEAR.LESS

Dear Friends,

If you are not yet familiar with fearlessstories.com and the work of Ishita Gupta et al  then this is a great time to learn. I have been following the creation and growth of this online magazine since its inception. Their content is powerful, and I never fail to learn something that has lasting value for my life.

 

Today I am proud to be featured on their site. The piece is based on an interview I did with Ishita Gupta last year. I talk very personally about fear, survival strategies that have lost their power for me and how the lessons I have learned as a coach sustain me through the tough times..  

 

 

I hope you find it valuable. Please take a moment to leave a comment or reaction or even share your own story. And thank you too for sharing it widely in your own networks.

 

And don’t forget to peruse the archives. You will like what you find.

 

 

 

Hello Anger My Old Friend.

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I have been studying anger. My anger. Mine.

 

In the world of what it means to be Pearl, it has been highly inappropriate to be angry. My Border Patrol were so effective that the mechanism for catching and refusing entry to anger was practically automatic. This means, anger took a detour and turned into ‘something else’ before I could even recognize that I was angry.

 

By something else I mean- resentment, impatience, sadness, frustration, powerlessness… I reacted to anger without even knowing that was what I was doing. People felt the brunt of my anger

 

So my new practice is to open up the borders. No checkpoints. Anger gets to show up right my front door. And I open it and say, “Hi. What brings you here? How long are you staying? What do you need?”

 

The best part of this practice has been about ownership. Owning my anger. Owning the need that propels that anger. It is my anger. (This has been good news for the people in my life too-- believe me!)

 

And I am not my anger.

As I welcome her into my space, I see that she has a message for me. There is information in my anger. And she is not trying to take over. She will give me the time and space to read the message. I get to decide how to respond. She just wants to be acknowledged. Who knew—anger can be patient.

 

And she still shows up.

Oh yes, she does. And sometimes, my border police get antsy and head her off at the pass like in the old days. I clearly need to give them a new job. 

s.l.o.w.i.n.g d.o.w.n

I have had some wonderful days recently. 
Days filled with meaningful activity….

 

I have been privileged to talk with people I care about.

I have been included in conversations with people who care.

I have read some novels that kept me turning pages late into the night.

I have planned experiences for people to become more aware of what is happening to them in their workplace.

I am constructing opportunities for transformative change.

 

I have laughed with my family.

I have exercised my heart out.

I have walked outside in the brisk cold air.

I have kicked up the leaves with my shoes.

 

And I just realized something.

 

I have been moving too fast.

I am too busy.

It is now time for me to s.l.o.w d.o.w.n.

 

It is now time for me to breathe.

It is now time for me to return.

It is now time for me to connect with myself.

It is now time for presence.