Who is Pushing Your Buttons

Julie has an employee who ‘kills her with kindnesses.’ This employee is cloyingly sweet, gives Julie little gifts, compliments her and enthusiastically agrees with everything Julie says or does. Julie finds herself responding harshly to this employee, avoiding her and finally withdrawing trust. Julie is not proud of this response and senses there is an irrational element to it

Is there someone at work or in some other aspect of your life who consistently provokes you? You know it is not rational and yet when you encounter this person, you find your equanimity goes out the window? Maybe you respond with undue harshness; maybe you retreat. On a good day it is mildly annoying. On a bad day, you come home with your heart still racing and you feel a little out of control. So what is going on?

Let me offer you two theories and a strategy.

Theory 1:
We all have multiple internal ‘selves.’ There is the controller who sees what behavior is rewarded and tries to keep us on a steady path that will rock no boats. There is the pusher egging us on to be ever more productive. Some of us have an active perfectionist with little tolerance for our mistakes. There is the obedient person we were raised to believe we should be. There is the vulnerable child who guards the entrance to our most intimate self. The possibilities are endless. With these, we also have a host of selves whom we have disowned along the way. Our life circumstances will play a big role in determining which selves we disown. Some of us have disowned our aggressive selves, others have disowned the pleaser. Other disowned selves might be the lazy beach bum, the powerful self or the intuitive sensitive self. According to Hal Stone & Sidra Winkelman, when we remain unaware of these disowned selves, they come back at us in the people we encounter. In their words:

So long as a self is disowned within us, we will continue to repeatedly attract that particular energy in our life. The universe will bring us the people we judge, hate, and resent over and over again until we finally get the message that they are reflections of that which is disowned in us. (In Embracing Each Other)

Theory 2:We all have a divinely inspired inclination to treat others with humanity and dignity. And we all fail to heed that inclination at times. It can be hard to see ourselves honestly and confront our selfish or lazy or fearful reactions. In response, we begin to rationalize our behavior. Maybe we didn’t act on our instinct to acknowledge the role of an employee in a timely fashion. Having let the opportunity pass, we are uneasy. So we begin to find reasons that would explain our behavior. After all, he didn’t really do it alone. Or, sure he got it done in a timely fashion but he probably is hoping this will give him leverage to ask for that extra vacation time I know he has wanted. This theory is best explained in the book Leadership & Self Deception.


A Strategy:
Think about a time when you were triggered by someone in your life. How did you react? What were the feelings associated with that moment? Now imagine that those reactions actually belong to one of your inner selves. You can detach from this self and look at him (or her) objectively—from the vantage point of your mature, adult self. Consider the possibility that this triggered self actually shows up out of concern for you.

Who is this self that is being triggered?
How old would you say s/he is?
What is s/he concerned about and what does s/he want for you?
Or perhaps, what is s/he trying to protect you from?

The problem is that while your triggered self means well, s/he is not very effective. You are going to need to renegotiate your relationship with this self so that you can respond to these circumstances in a way that honors the mature adult you are. What do you need to communicate to this triggered self? Do you need to express compassion for the concerns of this triggered self? Is there a role you have been neglecting that you need to take back?

Let’s return to Julie:

When she considers who is being triggered, she envisions herself at about 10 years old. This 10 year old self had a pretty upsetting experience with a supposed best friend who ultimately betrayed her. She is committed to not letting Julie get hurt again and is very wary of any kindness. Julie begins to empathize with this 10 year old self. She lets her know that she understands exactly how frightening it can be to be betrayed. And Julie reassures her that she has learned a lot in the intervening years. She has a strong support network and is a valued professional. Julie would like to handle her relationship with this employee differently. Perhaps taking some time to get to know her better and make better sense of her behavior. Next time Julie is triggered by this employee she takes a deep breath, whispers internally to her 10 year old self that she can handle this, and tries a new approach.

How about you?