Curtain Call for Being Busy?!

Recently, when I asked a client if he had a conversation that he had been eager to have and that we prepared for together, he said, “No I have been too busy.” In our day-to-day lives, we hear this from each other all the time. In fact we probably say it all the time. And yet as a coach—it stopped me short. 

 

Before I say more about why—you might be interested in what others have been writing and saying about being busy.

 

This piece, entitled “The Busy Trap” from the NY Times was very poignant and I like the fact that he talks about being busy as “a choice!”

 

This article from Kids Health cites a poll of over 880 kids aged 9-13. It turns out that 90% of them felt stressed because they were too busy.

 

This thought piece entitled, “Why Being Busy Can Keep You From Getting Ahead” which appeared in Forbes suggests that busy-making activities usually are down in the details and take us away from reflective big picture thinking.

 

So why did my client’s statement that he was too busy stop me short?

 

It helped me to realize that we had failed to work through a more core ambivalence about the conversation. “I have been too busy” is an excuse. In this case it is really saying,

 

“I am not sure I want to have this conversation.”

Or

“I am worried I will blow it.”

Or

“I don’t want to be rejected.”

 

And this is something I see a lot. We use busyness as a way of avoiding important relationship moves. We avoid dodge hard truths. We shun confrontation. We sidestep commitment. We avoid uncertainty. And to complicate matters, society has made it socially acceptable to hide behind being “busy”.

 

I am grateful that my clients are courageous enough to revisit their own ambivalences and work through them. Together we are pulling aside the curtain of busyness and shining a light on what it has been masking…

 

 

 

Harvest Your Experience and Plant New Seeds for Next Year

Rabbi Ruth Fagen has posted the most beautiful meditation for the New Year. 

http://elearning.huc.edu/wordpress/continuinged/?p=1660

 

I intend to begin using it today.

Please join me....

 

 

 

EXPERIMENT!

Trial balloon, improv, pilot, testing the waters, use the words that feel right. 

Too often when we are at the helm or even in a new role and feel all eyes on us---we are hamstrung by the belief that we have to get it "right". No room for error. Mistakes will not be forgiven. 

Or...we tell everyone we are in learning mode. We give ourselves permission to hold off on any big moves and just take stuff in. 

The truth is the only way to learn is by doing. Rolling up ourselves and getting a little dirty. The only way kids learn is by making their own mistakes and figuring out how to fix them. The only way couples learn to develop a truly deep and lasting relationship is by accidentally triggering each other's vulnerabilities and working through more supportive and productive ways to navigate them in the future. 

What we need is a personal stance that embraces the "experiment". The "let's try this and see how it turns out" attitude.

Did you ever take a class in clay sculpture? Or charcoal drawing? Do you remember how in the begining we got to just "play" with the medium? Do you remember how freeing that was? 

Play with the variables at your disposal. Get into the spirit of discovery and possibility. Expect failure. Set the expectation that these are experiments. As long as you are collecting data that you can all look at and consider--there will be learning. 

An organization that can play, that can experiment, that can learn from mistakes is a resilient organization. It is an engaged organization. It is a compassionate organization. 

 

"Alignment"- All Jazzed Up

I have been simplifying and clarifying in all aspects of my life and that includes a redesign of my website. I am trying to move away even more from words that sound canned or jargony. I want you to connect to what I am saying and offering without rolling your eyes or having to scratch your head.

 

I realized that I use the word “alignment” a lot. I may find an alternative. In the meantime, I thought it might be worthwhile exploring what that means and why I see it as a value for my clients.

Alignment is not: 

• Total agreement
• Sublimating my needs to meet yours
• Touchy-Feely
• A waste of time

Alignment is:

• Becoming aware of the gap between our beliefs, strategies and goals
• Finding shared interests or values even when our positions differ
• Standing side by side and looking together at the same goals
• Supporting each other to serve our shared interests 

The Jazz Improv metaphor:

Have you ever watched Jazz musicians jam? It is a beautiful thing.  They are listening inward to the music in their head, they are connecting to their instrument and they are listening outward to the music that is being created with their fellow musicians. Everyone seems to have a role—not always all at once, but there is a trust that their moment will come, their instrument can contribute. They are attuned to one another.

 

Think about your team. Think about your family. When you are aligned the way jazz musicians are aligned, you feel supported, you feel well-used and heard, you are at the ready to play a constructive role and to wait it out when it’s not your turn. You might be surprised at how other people do their job and you find a way to weave your approach into theirs. More often than not you have a smile on your face because this way of working and living keeps you feeling alive!

 

I know. You know. And extensive research literature proves, that teams that function this way—are more productive, satisfy their customers better and get consistently higher ratings on performance evaluations.

 

And –their heart rate is healthier, their BMI is in check and their sense of well-being is enviable. Now you know why I try to coach for alignment? 

 

It turns out that being vulnerable is hard...

Being vulnerable at work has never been an issue.

Telling people I don't know something- piece of cake. 

Letting people know I am a beginner and might get it wrong- all in a day's work. 

Admitting to fear and insecurity- de rigeur.

 

I don't know why this has been true for me. I managed to develop a set of healthy assumptions borne out by experience that people appreciate honesty. That I can ease my own anxiety when I am transparent about it. That I don't have to be an expert at everything to be good at many things.

My clients on the other hand really struggle with this. And yet they struggle even more when they try to hide the source of their vulnerability. What my clients are learning slowly, with gentle support, is that it is so much easier to come out of the closet with their shortcomings than to stuff it all into that closet and hope no-one opens it accidentally. 

A book that I have found valuable on this topic is Getting Naked by Patrick Lencioni.

 

 

How are you doing with being vulnerable?