What it means to be fully engaged...

 

Mind+Heart+Soul (leader)        

Mind+Heart+Soul (team)

  

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A game changing organizational system

 

 

I'm asking for your help

On August 2nd I will hit the half century mark. And while birthdays have never been a big deal for me, they were for my sister Karyn. She died last year of an eating disorder. Help me support the National Eating Disorders Association. Here is the link. And please read my sister's story below and why it is important to support NEDA. Thanks! 

 

My younger sister Karyn was a vivacious and funny child. She had spunk and she made us laugh. She was a smart and beautiful teen-ager. But in the early 70’s we did not understand that she was a ticking time bomb. At the midpoint of her second decade of life she began to fight what would become the defining battle of her life. Miraculously and painfully for the next 30 years my sister was in and out of hospitals and treatment centers. She underwent increasingly devastating surgeries and her already debilitated body began to fail her.  Looking back, there were bright spots –periods when she engaged in meaningful work, made deep connections to others, enjoyed living. And yet, by the end of her life, she was in too much pain to continue.

Karyn lived with and died from an eating disorder. It ruled and ruined her life. Over the years it was hard to know what was more infuriating, our sense of despair at the lack of answers and solutions to help her win this battle or irrational exasperation with Karyn’s own incapacity to help herself. In the last few years of her life, Karyn held on to a dream that she might be able to educate young women about her situation and help them avoid her fate. She wanted her struggle to count. After her death, her wishes led us to NEDA. 

In two immediate and concrete ways, NEDA was a source of comfort to us. First, we learned how rare it was for Karyn to live as long as she did. 46 is far too short a life, and yet it is a miracle for someone with an eating disorder so aggressive. Even as my parents were racked with guilt for what they could not seem to do, they helped sustain my sister with love and support too abundant to recount. Second, months after Karyn’s passing, NEDA held its annual conference in NY which enabled me to attend. And for the first time, NEDA held a roundtable on grief and loss. Sitting in a room with 9 other family members whose daughters succumbed to an eating disorder offered solace beyond words. Each story was as unique as the special souls’ that were lost. And yet, and yet… we recognized each other. We lived through the same range of emotions, we shared frustrations and doubts and even occasionally righteous indignation. 

NEDA staff at the conference could not be more helpful and compassionate. The offerings were extensive and substantive and so useful. As a professional who has worked with non-profits for almost 3 decades I could not help but be impressed with the smoothness of a complex operation. And so it is with great sadness and great hope, that our family endows the Karyn Tendler NEDA Conference Fund to enable families like ours to make the most of the extensive resources on offer at the annual NEDA conference. Through all her struggles Karyn always lived with an open heart and an open hand. In this way, her memory will be preserved. 

Please give what you can. Here is the link again! 

You're holding back aren't you?

The other day my husband and I took a walk and he asked me about how things were going in my coaching business. And we had a really good and interesting discussion. He asked good questions and offered some good ideas. And then, in some weird tangential moment I heard myself saying, "You know the thing I have been really passionate about lately is....." and suddenly the emotional field shifted. My heart started beating faster and I realized I had been thinking about this in my head and hadn't really talked about it out loud. And a path opened in front of me that I know is calling me. 

 

How many of you are engaged day to day in ....

good stuff,

things you think are important,

things where you feel you have something to offer,

things where you feel you have a responsibility? 

 

And...

they are not really the things that fire your passion?

they are not really the things that you care so deeply about you can be moved to argue with people you love when the don’t get it?

they are the things about which you say, Oh I can't do that. There are so many people more qualified than I am. The ship has left the harbor. It's too late to get involved.

they are the things that make you think--this is the stuff of legacy. 

this touches a deep, real part of me 

So....

What if we are all waiting for you to have the courage to start talking about this?

What if we are all waiting for you to start doing something about this?

 

You know what...

I think we are.

 

 

 

Dis-Connect

We need to look away, disengage, let go 

if we are to make space for change

 

We need to keep coming back, reengage, reconnect

to our relationships

If we are to recognize that change has occurred

is occuring

 

We must close our eyes if we are to open them 

and 

see

 

Stop solving people's problems! Tap into their gifts and the problems take care of themselves...

I just heard a 30 minute interview with Peter Block conducted by one of my heroes, Hildy Gottlieb. Before you head over there to listen to it, read a few of the gems that I took away...

 

"You are needed by your neighbors...where you can walk to is where you will find purpose and meaning."

 

"Take your identity from your gifts, not your lacks and needs." to which Hildy adds, "I wonder how many non-profits take their identity from what's wrong and not from what's possible." 

 

"People on the edge are used to telling their story as a selling strategy. They are narratives that are obstacles to an alternative future."

 

And finally to non-profits, he says the business model is the wrong model to pattern yourselves after. 

"Efficiency, cost and measurement are too small a god to worship! As soon as you say we want to measure our results, we want to be accountable, we want to be efficient, you’ve forgotten what you’re there for.”

 

 

What a waste!

How many times do you get to the end of a day and wonder, "Have I really done anything today?" 

The people I know and love, and all of my clients, care deeply about their contributions to our world in ways big and small. They want to make a difference. They might worry that they are not gifted enough but they don't want to squander the gifts they do have. Sound familiar? 

Do we sometimes get off track and waste time? Uh-huh! And we are quick to tell ourselves that. 

And yet, more of the time, we simply don't value (and hence forget) all the ways in which we make a profound impact. I stopped to think about my morning...

·     I offered a cheery 'Good Morning" to a perfect stranger on my way to the gym

·     I greeted my waking son with an impromptu dance when I saw the huge smile on his face as he realized his summer program starts today.

·     I bought groceries that would enable me to make my husband dinner tonight (a RARE occurrence but that is another post!)

·     I cried tears of joy with a friend overseas upon learning that her tumor was benign.  

·     I cleared time in my schedule for an unexpected client emergency call

 

In minutes on the clock, these items barely registered. And yet, as I read each of one these, I know they represent me at my core. These are the briefest of moments in which I get to live out my what I value and who I want to be in this world. 

I am not very good at sustaining any appreciation practices so I am not going to tell you to start one. I just know that we all need to stop and notice how much better the world is because of the choices we make every day. 

Pondering Change

Hi there. Today's post is a ponderer. That is, no answers or wisdom. Wonderings and wanderings. Join me? 

No matter what precipitating dilemma or event brings my clients to me, the work always involves change. Setting goals means doing things differently to reach a new outcome. It means showing up differently to have a different experience. It means change.

Some of us thrive on change. We change to change. We love the newness. We love the learning curve. We love claiming ignorance because, after all, we have never done this before...

Some of us struggle with change. We fear letting go of the way things have been. We hold on to what is familiar. We don't want to make mistakes. We don't trust that our choices will lead to something better. 

Change involves courage. 

Change involves a deep longing.

Change is a comittment to something bigger than ourselves.

Change is a comittment to ourselves. 

And then there is the ultimate paradox:

Change doesn't happen unless we accept what is. Unless we accept where we are right now. Unless we accept who we are right now. 

 

What do you think? 

What do you know?

What are you pondering about change?

Also...some books worth exploring:

Immunity to Change

Switch

Conversations for Change

Loving What Is

Radical Acceptance

 

Dear Impulse,

You may recall that I had dinner with my intuition recently. She got me thinking about all the times I have confused impulse with intuition. Rather than meet with Impulse and risk adventures for which I was unprepared I decided to write her a letter:

 

Dear Impulse,

I have been thinking a lot about you. I catch glimpeses of you all time- usually from the back as I either chase after you or hang back and watch you whiz by. You have an incredible color sense. You never fail to catch my eye and make my heart skip a beat as I imagine having the courage to dress like you! 

I was going to write a letter in which I declared my need for some space and distance from you. But the more I thought I about it, the more I realized that is not exactly what I want. I am incredibly grateful to you. If not for you there are good friends I might never have approached, jobs I might never have applied for and adventures I might never have had. (Remember that time when we followed a complete stranger off a bus in the middle of nowhere? He showed us this gorgeous waterfall that no one had discovered. We got really lucky that he was a good and trustworthy person.) 

But we do need to renegotiate our relationship a little. 

You must realize that I make comittments to myself to change in some small and big ways. I want to eat less sugar. I want to take more time to do shiva nata. I want to slow down. And yet, you are not very respectful of those comittments. You start your incessant lobbying for abandoning the effort and before I know it you have pulled me away into some other activity or shoved a plate of something tempting in front of me. I imagine you mean well. You want me to have more fun. You want me to feel unconstrained. You are just being true to yourself. But I feel like I lose myself in you and that is not a good feeling. 

Here is what I need.

I need you to tell me what you want. And then... I need you to ask me what I want.or at least hold a beat while tell you what I want.  We are not always going to want the same things. And that's okay, right?  Friends don't have to want all the same things. I will respect your chocies if you respect mine. 

Can we try that and see if it works? I hope so. I still want you in my life 

with love and gratitude, 

pearl