15 Minutes to Live #Trust30

We are afraid of truth, afraid of fortune, afraid of death, and afraid of each other. Our age yields no great and perfect persons. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

You just discovered you have fifteen minutes to live.

1. Set a timer for fifteen minutes.
2. Write the story that has to be written.

 

Moments of raw human connection are rare, precious and in the end the only thing that matters.

 

I am sitting on my sister’s hospital bed before a serious surgery. She is terrified and hyperventilating. Our relationship has been plagued by distance, miscommunication and mutual recrimination. On that night, there was only tenderness. I held her hand. We breathed together. She looked into my eyes and her breathing slowed. What flowed between our breath and our eyes was love.

 

It is barely a week since my sister passed away. I have come to take my parents to see my sister’s apartment and go through some of her personal items. I worry my mother will fall apart when she sees the remnants of a life cut short.  We sit together and I help her think about what she hopes for from this visit. I help her articulate her fears. She starts to plan what steps she will take to move her toward her hopes and away from her fears. She is ready.

 

I walk into my grandmother’s room with my husband. She has had a stroke but she remembers. The last time she saw us, she was being courted by a gentleman who visited her at her brother’s house. She starts to tell the story. Her daughters think she is hallucinating. We maintain eye contact and smile. She smiles. It was a happy memory. We know. It is enough.

 

A woman tells me her life story. She is addicted to pain killers. She needs help. She needs money. She is a sweet soul who has just helped me buy my train ticket and guided me to my platform. I urge her to get help. I tell her about my own sister. I tell her life is too precious to waste away on an addiction. We take each others hands. She thanks me for listening and treating her with dignity. She ushers me onto my train. I sit down and cry like a baby.

 

I want to look you in the eye. I want to smile. I want to hold your hand. We are connected. This is the story.  

I dare you to speak of this at work

Feel

Heart

Body

Spirit/Soul

Love

Dream

 

These words and concepts raise eyebrows and generate awkward sideways glances in the established work world. Even before I was paid to shock the organizational system into acknowledging that all of us sitting in the room are human beings with heart and mind; body & soul- I was a "name the elephant in the room" kind of girl. 

And still, I have that moment when my pulse quickens and my heart jumps into my throat and I think, "Can I really say this here?" 

Isn't it surreal when people sit around a table and pretend that they aren't a jumble of emotions and aspirations. There is an amost palpable feel to the energy of suppression. Supressing our souls, our feelings, our dreams. 

I dream of the day when the kind of deep, open and real covnersation that happens between me and my clients are the norm in organizations. I guess that is the future I am trying to create.

Because my awe for humanity is such that I beleive that when we bring ourselves fully into relationship with each other- miraculous things unfold. 

 

Untitled

 

"Betterment is a perpetual labor. The world is chaotic, disorganized and vexing and medicine is nowhere saved that reality. To complicate matters, we in medicine are also only human ourselves. We are distractible, weak and given to our own concerns. Yet stills, to live as a doctor is to live so that one's life is bound up in others' and in science and in the messy, complicated connection between the two. It is to live a life of responsibility. The question then is not whether one accepts the responsibility. Just by doing this work, one has. The question is having accepted the responsibility, how one does such work well." Atul Gawande, better: A Surgeon's Notes on Performance

 

Do you find this quote as powerful as I do? II read this book several years ago and then  I heard the quote used in the context of a performance review for educators. The speaker made the point that one could substitute the word “teacher” for “doctor” and it would be just as relevant. There are many aspects of this quote that I find powerful; I share this with you because I dream of a world in which everyone can view their work in the world as living a life of responsibility. Just imagine if we could each get clear about our purpose and pursue it with a sense of commitment to “betterment”. If we all had a shared understanding that we were committed to our world in meaningful ways, we would look one another in the eye with a renewed sense of respect and recognition. It would not matter what we were doing-- what our specific “job” was. That would be far less important than the belief that we each have a role to play in this world and we are all engaged in clarifying that role, living it and perfecting it over the course of our lives. 

 

“the shortest distance between two people is a smile”

Is there a toxic relationship in your life?
You avoid this person in the hall.
You pretend you are otherwise engaged when s/he is in sight.
When you have to communicate you use email or leave voice mail messages.
Every exchange carries the weight of every past negative conversation you have ever had.
Your tone is harsh to defend against the hostility (or sarcasm, or judgment) you expect.
Even when s/he is saying something benign you hear the echoes of negative intent.

Sound familiar? You are in a conversation with people you like. The conversation is productive and easy. You laugh heartily. All of a sudden you realize “he” has joined the group. Your whole being tightens up and you bump right up against two totally different people: the person you are when you are at ease and the one you become in this person’s presence.

What is it costing you to stay so protected and boxed up?
What is it like to be suited up for battle all the time?
Is it accomplishing anything?
Is it changing the nature of the relationship for the better?
Are you calmer, more relaxed, safer?
Do you like yourself better?

Are there simple solutions to this dilemma? Not always.
Is it all up to you? Probably not.

There is at least one powerful tool that I keep rediscovering.
The internal impact is profound.
It dramatically shifts who we can be in relationship.
Are you ready?

Smile

Try it now.

Relax the muscles around your mouth.
Think about the one person or place or thing in the world that you love unconditionally.
Let your mouth and eyes relax into the smile that naturally follows.

Repeat often through out the day.
Practice makes Perfect.

And then when “s/he” passes by... you’ll be ready.