What are we protecting?

Too often

You are in your armour; I am in mine

We keep our distance or 

We bang against each other

The reverberations painful

Our speech is muffled

We misunderstand

Sometimes

We look 

each other in they eye

we are protected only by a thin film

of bubble

Hands reaching out

the bubbles burst.

 

 

 

Leaders Build Houses

Once upon a time Josh, a high performing manager in his organization, learned that he was to have a new boss, Pete. He made an effort to get to know him. Josh tried to bring him up to date on all aspects of his area of responsibility. He knew that ongoing communication would be important and  asked for a regular meeting with Pete. When they did meet, Josh often felt that Pete was distracted; Josh frequently had to repeat information. Sometimes Pete used the meeting to talk through his own priorities. Josh tried to be a useful sounding board. Over time, Josh’s frustration grew. As his boss’ role grew and his sense of overwhelm increased Pete piled more on Josh’s plate. He never thanked or acknowledged Josh for the results he continued to achieve. Pete made many promises to Josh that he failed to follow through on. Josh would raise concerns and Pete responded by rebuffing these and talking about his own pressures. After a few years- Josh’s frustration leaked into his communication with Pete. Pete came to think he had a problem employee on his hands

 

John Gottman, PhD. may be best known for his decade’s long research on marriage relationships. He developed a theory called the Sound Relationship House Theory. It has become clear over time, however, that many of the principles which emerge out of Gottman’s research apply to all human relationships. In particular the first 3 elements of the sound relationship house seem critical to this story and to relationships in the workplace. I have taken the liberty of adapting Gottman’s language to fit an organization context:

 

1. Build and Maintain a Road Map: You might assume you already know what your employees world is like or feel you simply don’t need to know too much detail. And yet a foundation stone to your relationship is your interest in what s/he is doing. Do you know how s/he sees the goals? Do you understand the pressures at their level? Above and beyond accountability is a need for compassionate curiosity and understanding. Their world should be familiar to you—this comes with asking the right questions and listening.

 

1. Scan for Success and Express Appreciation: Pressure to deliver outstanding results usually means we are quick to notice what isn’t working. It requires discipline to take the time to notice that which we respect in our people. For this principle to function effectively it matters most that we thank and appreciate consistently. Don’t wait for the flash. Seek out the seemingly small but valuable ways in which your people are there for you and the organization on a daily basis.

 

1. Be Responsive: When people spend time together they make what Gottman calls, bids for connection. Sometimes the bids are overt as in asking a question, or making a comment. Sometimes they are more subtle, as in making eye contact or smiling as you both listen to a speaker. When we turn toward these bids by offering a response we are building relationship. When we ignore them or even turn against them by responding with a gruff annoyance we damage the relationship.

 

 

When you work on these 3 principles, you building a solid relationship house from the ground up. One that will be far better able to withstand the inevitable moments of conflict.

 

Have an opinion about this? Start a conversation with me and others right here...

Embracing Passion

I have always been a little skeptical about the word: PASSION. I always hear it as if it is written in capital letters. Can it be trusted? Do we find our passion? Discover it? Tap into it?  And what is it anyway? 

I just started a class with Lucid Living on this very topic. 

 

Here is some of what I am chewing on...

We talked about 4 components of passion. I will share two of them:

1. Boundless Love.

It is the stuff about which you say, "OMG I LOVE this!!!!!" 

2. Unbridled Enthusiasm

 Those moments when you are moved to let out a yelp and push past any fears of embarrassment. 

 

Think about the things you do that take you to this place. I think for me the list might include laughing with my closest friends and family, deep human connection when the veil drops and we surprise even ourselves. Singing or listening to my family singing. These moments, these activities, are not passion. 

These are the portals into passion. As we grow and evolve the doorways change. 

 

How often do I let these portals transport me to my passion? 

How consciously do I take myself to the door and turn the knob? 

 

I don't mind

Note to self:

The next time I am inclined to answer with a mindless rendition of "I don't mind":

1. Take a deep breath

2. Ask myself, "What do I want?"

3. Make eye contact

4. Speak from my heart

Give --it feels good

On the occasion of my 50th birthday, I organized a campaign to raise money for the National Eating Disorders Association. My incredible friends helped me to raise almost $1000. I knew it was a good thing to do. I knew it would make me feel good. And the experience was so much more than I imagined.

It connects me to a cause that has deep personal resonance. 

It connects me to people from every part of my life in a meaningul way.

It connects me to the best part of myself.

Both my boys are working as counselors this summer. These two pictures tell me, my kids get it too.