I guess I was wrong...

I hired you and I am your boss.

I assume you have all the skills I attributed to you during the hiring process.

I assume you will watch me like a hawk and approach issues similarly.

I assume you will know what to do when a task falls within your purview. 

I assume that you will deliver results in a timely fashion regardless of external circumstances or delays which emanate from my office.

I assume you will always be honest with me. 

I assume that if you don't know something you will ask and you will learn. 

I assume you care about making me and the team look good.

I assume that the stellar performance I expect of you is unrelated to my leadership or comunication style. 

I assume you will accept changes I put into place and resist changes which I oppose. 

I assume you do not need regular acknowledgement or mawkish expressions of appreciation. 

oops...my bad.

 

I don't know.

I'm going to take a radical stance on this expression.

It is evil.

It is insidious.

It is passive agressive. 

It is false.

(Except when it isn't. Of course there are things you don't know. Like where the black holes are and why they even matter. Wait, you know? Can you call me?)

I watched an interaction between a manager and her direct report. The employee was angry. He cut her off numerous times. He asked sarcastic questions. He attacked and blamed. And when he was asked, "What do you need?" He said...."I don't know". 

I was incredulous. Really? What is that about? And where can this relationship go if the angry party can't ask for what he needs?

It drives my son crazy when I ask him a question about what he wants or what he needs and he says, "I don't know" and I respond, "Pretend you know. What would you say?"

It might drive you crazy too. 

And yet, most of the time when we say, "I don't know" in response to a question about our own feelings or needs- we are lying. We do know. But we don't feel comfrotable saying it. Maybe it is hard even to admit to ourselves. Maybe we are worried about repercussions. Maybe we like the power that comes from witholding. 

Are you struggling with this? Well you can call me too. 

 

Promise leads to Partnership

A work team is in trouble. They are under a lot of pressure to "get it right". Getting it right in this case means, accuracy, efficiency and most difficult- getting the rest of the organization to change the way certain processes have always been done. 

They don't agree on much. Trust has eroded. Competing priorities are wreaking havoc on results. And no one is very happy to come to work every morning. 

My work with this team began by helping the group to articulate some agreement for how they will work together. They were asked to make a verbal committment to each other to honor these agreements.

At the end of our first session- they each looked each other in the eye to seal the agreement.  It was both solemn and joyful. It was the moment when they turned a corner. They took their first steps toward repair. 

It's Painstaking Work

Have you ever watched a programmer coding?

On a recent 6 hour flight I watched a woman coding a website.  (At least, I think that is what she was doing.) She would type a few keystrokes into a window that had lines and lines of text, then check another window with what looked like a website and see the impact. Back and forth. Back and forth. For hours.

That is what programmers and designers do, right? Somehow we expect certain kinds of work to require patience and repetition and revision. Architects come to mind, and engineers. Accountants? 

And yet when it comes to working with people- our peers, our bosses, our employees...we just want them to "get it". We don't want to repeat ourselves. We don't want to have to work through slow change efforts and revised approaches. 

Who are we kidding? People are infinitely more complex than numbers and code. And far more unpredictable.

And far more valuable. 

So keep in mind: Patience my dear friends, patience. 

Are you "sort of" hedging?

I have just listened to the recordings of three calls I facilitated. I was mortified to discover that I use the expression, "sort of" almost as much as my teen-aged boys say, "like" or "so...yeah". 

And then I noticed I wasn't the only one. 

Now I hear it everywhere. 

This phrase weakens what I am saying. It makes me sound tentative. And sort of weak...so yeah. 

The definition is "to some extent". How is that for equivocating? Is it or isn't it What do you think? What do I think? 

I could substitute the expression for the adverb: rather. "It is rather obnoxious, wouldn't you say?" It sounds more elegant- begs a British accent, in fact. But really, it is still paltering. (Now there is a word I have to use more!) 

I am putting a stake in the ground for clear and confident speech. I will say what I think and what I feel. I will say it respectfully. I will say it transparently. 

And I can be wrong. (Let's face it, I will be wrong a lot of the time.) I can apologize. I can take it back. I can re-think. I can be influenced by you. 

Are you with me? Sort of? 

Hard Truths

In the past month I have encountered a school, a healthcare company and a large non-profit all experiencing communication breakdown. By which I mean, people at all levels of the organization are not having direct conversations with each other. And when they are, they are being less than honest. They are talking about each other, not to each other.

“Can you believe s/he...”
“I am so frustrated with...”
“How could s/he have been promoted?”

They are seeking out managers and supervisors.

“You really need to do something about...”
“S/he is ruining the morale in...”

There are many reasons why this could be happening. Let me mention two. Your people might be thinking...

• If I take my issue up with the person directly, I might have to change too. I might have to be part of the solution.
• If I speak directly, I might face an angry response or even retaliation. We would find ourselves in conflict and things would get worse not better.

  
  Can you hear the sense of defeat and the fear underlying these? There is also powerlessness and a lack of trust.

  If you are a leader in your organization, noticing this same behavior, you probably already know that you can’t mandate it out of existence. Simply telling everyone to stop back channel conversations and work things out with each other directly is pretty useless. What you really need to do is tackle the underlying obstacles.

  1. It goes without saying that the first place to look is in the mirror. What are you modeling? What are you afraid of? What do you need to learn how to do? Having trouble being honest with yourself? Get a coach!

  2. You may need to help your people develop better communication and conflict resolution skills? First name the problem to your people. Come right out and say what you are seeing and why you feel it is tearing at the fabric of your organization. Then bring in some outside expertise to jump-start the process and continue to provide group opportunities to practice. Here are some resources to explore:

  Fierceinc.: Susan Scott’s organization gives your people a no nonsense approach to developing the skills that build powerful organizations.

  The Center for Non Violent Communication: A deeply respectful approach to communication. You can request a certified trainer to come to your organization.

  

  3. Read Five Dysfunctions of a Team together. Use the self-assessment in the back of the book. Work through each level of the model beginning with trust.

  There is no quick fix on this issue and there is no way around—only through. There will be discomfort and there will be growth. And when there is growth, there is a healthy organization.

  

PATCHWORK

: something composed of miscellaneous or incongruous parts :

I prefer the antonym. I am thinking of words like integrity, cohesion, blended.

I am looking at this beautiful art work of Cheryl Sorg's. (She inspires me --that is for another post.) I actually own a small piece of patchwork collage made by Cheryl that is hanging in my office. And right now PATCHWORK feels like a generative way of thinking about my life. 

My career life's work, over time and in present day has been a juxtaposition of different roles, different contexts, different ways of contributing and collaborating. 

Any given day is a patchwork of people, places and activities. 

My brain is a patchwork of texts, melodies, new thoughts and memories. 

My heart is a patchwork of emotions.

This is important to me because patchwork (as so beautifully illustrated by Cheryl Sorg) is thoughtful and coherent. There is reason and meaning. 

Each element is important in its own right. And together it is a creation- in the divine sense of that word.

It is a thing of beauty. 

Does the metaphor work for you? If not, what would you suggest?

 

 

 

FEAR.LESS

Dear Friends,

If you are not yet familiar with fearlessstories.com and the work of Ishita Gupta et al  then this is a great time to learn. I have been following the creation and growth of this online magazine since its inception. Their content is powerful, and I never fail to learn something that has lasting value for my life.

 

Today I am proud to be featured on their site. The piece is based on an interview I did with Ishita Gupta last year. I talk very personally about fear, survival strategies that have lost their power for me and how the lessons I have learned as a coach sustain me through the tough times..  

 

 

I hope you find it valuable. Please take a moment to leave a comment or reaction or even share your own story. And thank you too for sharing it widely in your own networks.

 

And don’t forget to peruse the archives. You will like what you find.

 

 

 

Hello Anger My Old Friend.

Normal.dotm 0 0 1 211 1205 The Frisch School 10 2 1479 12.0 0 false 18 pt 18 pt 0 0 false false false

I have been studying anger. My anger. Mine.

 

In the world of what it means to be Pearl, it has been highly inappropriate to be angry. My Border Patrol were so effective that the mechanism for catching and refusing entry to anger was practically automatic. This means, anger took a detour and turned into ‘something else’ before I could even recognize that I was angry.

 

By something else I mean- resentment, impatience, sadness, frustration, powerlessness… I reacted to anger without even knowing that was what I was doing. People felt the brunt of my anger

 

So my new practice is to open up the borders. No checkpoints. Anger gets to show up right my front door. And I open it and say, “Hi. What brings you here? How long are you staying? What do you need?”

 

The best part of this practice has been about ownership. Owning my anger. Owning the need that propels that anger. It is my anger. (This has been good news for the people in my life too-- believe me!)

 

And I am not my anger.

As I welcome her into my space, I see that she has a message for me. There is information in my anger. And she is not trying to take over. She will give me the time and space to read the message. I get to decide how to respond. She just wants to be acknowledged. Who knew—anger can be patient.

 

And she still shows up.

Oh yes, she does. And sometimes, my border police get antsy and head her off at the pass like in the old days. I clearly need to give them a new job. 

s.l.o.w.i.n.g d.o.w.n

I have had some wonderful days recently. 
Days filled with meaningful activity….

 

I have been privileged to talk with people I care about.

I have been included in conversations with people who care.

I have read some novels that kept me turning pages late into the night.

I have planned experiences for people to become more aware of what is happening to them in their workplace.

I am constructing opportunities for transformative change.

 

I have laughed with my family.

I have exercised my heart out.

I have walked outside in the brisk cold air.

I have kicked up the leaves with my shoes.

 

And I just realized something.

 

I have been moving too fast.

I am too busy.

It is now time for me to s.l.o.w d.o.w.n.

 

It is now time for me to breathe.

It is now time for me to return.

It is now time for me to connect with myself.

It is now time for presence.

 

waratte imasu ka? (Are you laughing?)

 

We missed the Warai festival in Japan on October 10th. 

Legend has it that the deity of this shrine, Niutsuhime no Mikoto, overslept and was late for the conference of 8 million deities held in Izumo in Kanna-zuki (October). As she was deeply depressed, the villagers encouraged her by laughing.

 

It's never to late to laugh...

Will you join me?

 

The River of Your Life

Don't just peek at it...jump in and start navigating.

Lingering in the Longing

I think I have been making a study of longing. 
Not intentionally- not at first. 

For years I have been living in the longing for a life I intend to have in Israel. I experience it as a deep gash in my chest. A place opened up, raw ...impossible to stitch neatly back. The longing periodically goes into hiding when I have the chance to spend time in Israel. I come alive then in a new way. Like when my screen brightens as I plug the power source back in. And then the longing returns. It comes in waves. I actually feel a little off balance when it recedes even a bit. I depend on it. It defines me.

 

When my sister died last year, a new longing came to sit beside a more familiar one. I knew the longing for a BFF relationship with my sister. I wanted easy and 'oh by the way...' and 'oops- gotta go TTYL'. And then she was truly gone. And then longing became a roiling in my gut and a tingling in my brain. A hug remembered. Hopes dashed. Missed opportunities. I fed the longing by writing letters that would never be read. Dreams. Oh the dreams. 

 

And now I set my intention on indulging in more time outside in nature. And more time engaged with texts that give my life meaning. And I watch. I see that these activities are not far from me. And my feet get stuck in the carpet. I don't move even as I feel the urge...the longing. I am literally standing still and I am getting to know a new longing. I welcome this one too. Not sure yet where it will lodge in my body. Not sure I want us to become too familiar. 

What comes after the longing? 

Waking up to YES

"I'm waked again to yes, waked to those hopes that are a pull forward, whatever it is that gets dawned upon us-some kind of betterment or remaking we come to believe in, what it might be that makes us try." 

 

Old Border Road by Susan Froderberg

What are we protecting?

Too often

You are in your armour; I am in mine

We keep our distance or 

We bang against each other

The reverberations painful

Our speech is muffled

We misunderstand

Sometimes

We look 

each other in they eye

we are protected only by a thin film

of bubble

Hands reaching out

the bubbles burst.

 

 

 

Leaders Build Houses

Once upon a time Josh, a high performing manager in his organization, learned that he was to have a new boss, Pete. He made an effort to get to know him. Josh tried to bring him up to date on all aspects of his area of responsibility. He knew that ongoing communication would be important and  asked for a regular meeting with Pete. When they did meet, Josh often felt that Pete was distracted; Josh frequently had to repeat information. Sometimes Pete used the meeting to talk through his own priorities. Josh tried to be a useful sounding board. Over time, Josh’s frustration grew. As his boss’ role grew and his sense of overwhelm increased Pete piled more on Josh’s plate. He never thanked or acknowledged Josh for the results he continued to achieve. Pete made many promises to Josh that he failed to follow through on. Josh would raise concerns and Pete responded by rebuffing these and talking about his own pressures. After a few years- Josh’s frustration leaked into his communication with Pete. Pete came to think he had a problem employee on his hands

 

John Gottman, PhD. may be best known for his decade’s long research on marriage relationships. He developed a theory called the Sound Relationship House Theory. It has become clear over time, however, that many of the principles which emerge out of Gottman’s research apply to all human relationships. In particular the first 3 elements of the sound relationship house seem critical to this story and to relationships in the workplace. I have taken the liberty of adapting Gottman’s language to fit an organization context:

 

1. Build and Maintain a Road Map: You might assume you already know what your employees world is like or feel you simply don’t need to know too much detail. And yet a foundation stone to your relationship is your interest in what s/he is doing. Do you know how s/he sees the goals? Do you understand the pressures at their level? Above and beyond accountability is a need for compassionate curiosity and understanding. Their world should be familiar to you—this comes with asking the right questions and listening.

 

1. Scan for Success and Express Appreciation: Pressure to deliver outstanding results usually means we are quick to notice what isn’t working. It requires discipline to take the time to notice that which we respect in our people. For this principle to function effectively it matters most that we thank and appreciate consistently. Don’t wait for the flash. Seek out the seemingly small but valuable ways in which your people are there for you and the organization on a daily basis.

 

1. Be Responsive: When people spend time together they make what Gottman calls, bids for connection. Sometimes the bids are overt as in asking a question, or making a comment. Sometimes they are more subtle, as in making eye contact or smiling as you both listen to a speaker. When we turn toward these bids by offering a response we are building relationship. When we ignore them or even turn against them by responding with a gruff annoyance we damage the relationship.

 

 

When you work on these 3 principles, you building a solid relationship house from the ground up. One that will be far better able to withstand the inevitable moments of conflict.

 

Have an opinion about this? Start a conversation with me and others right here...

Embracing Passion

I have always been a little skeptical about the word: PASSION. I always hear it as if it is written in capital letters. Can it be trusted? Do we find our passion? Discover it? Tap into it?  And what is it anyway? 

I just started a class with Lucid Living on this very topic. 

 

Here is some of what I am chewing on...

We talked about 4 components of passion. I will share two of them:

1. Boundless Love.

It is the stuff about which you say, "OMG I LOVE this!!!!!" 

2. Unbridled Enthusiasm

 Those moments when you are moved to let out a yelp and push past any fears of embarrassment. 

 

Think about the things you do that take you to this place. I think for me the list might include laughing with my closest friends and family, deep human connection when the veil drops and we surprise even ourselves. Singing or listening to my family singing. These moments, these activities, are not passion. 

These are the portals into passion. As we grow and evolve the doorways change. 

 

How often do I let these portals transport me to my passion? 

How consciously do I take myself to the door and turn the knob? 

 

I don't mind

Note to self:

The next time I am inclined to answer with a mindless rendition of "I don't mind":

1. Take a deep breath

2. Ask myself, "What do I want?"

3. Make eye contact

4. Speak from my heart

Give --it feels good

On the occasion of my 50th birthday, I organized a campaign to raise money for the National Eating Disorders Association. My incredible friends helped me to raise almost $1000. I knew it was a good thing to do. I knew it would make me feel good. And the experience was so much more than I imagined.

It connects me to a cause that has deep personal resonance. 

It connects me to people from every part of my life in a meaningul way.

It connects me to the best part of myself.

Both my boys are working as counselors this summer. These two pictures tell me, my kids get it too. 

 

What it means to be fully engaged...

 

Mind+Heart+Soul (leader)        

Mind+Heart+Soul (team)

  

=

 

A game changing organizational system

 

 

I'm asking for your help

On August 2nd I will hit the half century mark. And while birthdays have never been a big deal for me, they were for my sister Karyn. She died last year of an eating disorder. Help me support the National Eating Disorders Association. Here is the link. And please read my sister's story below and why it is important to support NEDA. Thanks! 

 

My younger sister Karyn was a vivacious and funny child. She had spunk and she made us laugh. She was a smart and beautiful teen-ager. But in the early 70’s we did not understand that she was a ticking time bomb. At the midpoint of her second decade of life she began to fight what would become the defining battle of her life. Miraculously and painfully for the next 30 years my sister was in and out of hospitals and treatment centers. She underwent increasingly devastating surgeries and her already debilitated body began to fail her.  Looking back, there were bright spots –periods when she engaged in meaningful work, made deep connections to others, enjoyed living. And yet, by the end of her life, she was in too much pain to continue.

Karyn lived with and died from an eating disorder. It ruled and ruined her life. Over the years it was hard to know what was more infuriating, our sense of despair at the lack of answers and solutions to help her win this battle or irrational exasperation with Karyn’s own incapacity to help herself. In the last few years of her life, Karyn held on to a dream that she might be able to educate young women about her situation and help them avoid her fate. She wanted her struggle to count. After her death, her wishes led us to NEDA. 

In two immediate and concrete ways, NEDA was a source of comfort to us. First, we learned how rare it was for Karyn to live as long as she did. 46 is far too short a life, and yet it is a miracle for someone with an eating disorder so aggressive. Even as my parents were racked with guilt for what they could not seem to do, they helped sustain my sister with love and support too abundant to recount. Second, months after Karyn’s passing, NEDA held its annual conference in NY which enabled me to attend. And for the first time, NEDA held a roundtable on grief and loss. Sitting in a room with 9 other family members whose daughters succumbed to an eating disorder offered solace beyond words. Each story was as unique as the special souls’ that were lost. And yet, and yet… we recognized each other. We lived through the same range of emotions, we shared frustrations and doubts and even occasionally righteous indignation. 

NEDA staff at the conference could not be more helpful and compassionate. The offerings were extensive and substantive and so useful. As a professional who has worked with non-profits for almost 3 decades I could not help but be impressed with the smoothness of a complex operation. And so it is with great sadness and great hope, that our family endows the Karyn Tendler NEDA Conference Fund to enable families like ours to make the most of the extensive resources on offer at the annual NEDA conference. Through all her struggles Karyn always lived with an open heart and an open hand. In this way, her memory will be preserved. 

Please give what you can. Here is the link again! 

You're holding back aren't you?

The other day my husband and I took a walk and he asked me about how things were going in my coaching business. And we had a really good and interesting discussion. He asked good questions and offered some good ideas. And then, in some weird tangential moment I heard myself saying, "You know the thing I have been really passionate about lately is....." and suddenly the emotional field shifted. My heart started beating faster and I realized I had been thinking about this in my head and hadn't really talked about it out loud. And a path opened in front of me that I know is calling me. 

 

How many of you are engaged day to day in ....

good stuff,

things you think are important,

things where you feel you have something to offer,

things where you feel you have a responsibility? 

 

And...

they are not really the things that fire your passion?

they are not really the things that you care so deeply about you can be moved to argue with people you love when the don’t get it?

they are the things about which you say, Oh I can't do that. There are so many people more qualified than I am. The ship has left the harbor. It's too late to get involved.

they are the things that make you think--this is the stuff of legacy. 

this touches a deep, real part of me 

So....

What if we are all waiting for you to have the courage to start talking about this?

What if we are all waiting for you to start doing something about this?

 

You know what...

I think we are.

 

 

 

Dis-Connect

We need to look away, disengage, let go 

if we are to make space for change

 

We need to keep coming back, reengage, reconnect

to our relationships

If we are to recognize that change has occurred

is occuring

 

We must close our eyes if we are to open them 

and 

see

 

Stop solving people's problems! Tap into their gifts and the problems take care of themselves...

I just heard a 30 minute interview with Peter Block conducted by one of my heroes, Hildy Gottlieb. Before you head over there to listen to it, read a few of the gems that I took away...

 

"You are needed by your neighbors...where you can walk to is where you will find purpose and meaning."

 

"Take your identity from your gifts, not your lacks and needs." to which Hildy adds, "I wonder how many non-profits take their identity from what's wrong and not from what's possible." 

 

"People on the edge are used to telling their story as a selling strategy. They are narratives that are obstacles to an alternative future."

 

And finally to non-profits, he says the business model is the wrong model to pattern yourselves after. 

"Efficiency, cost and measurement are too small a god to worship! As soon as you say we want to measure our results, we want to be accountable, we want to be efficient, you’ve forgotten what you’re there for.”

 

 

What a waste!

How many times do you get to the end of a day and wonder, "Have I really done anything today?" 

The people I know and love, and all of my clients, care deeply about their contributions to our world in ways big and small. They want to make a difference. They might worry that they are not gifted enough but they don't want to squander the gifts they do have. Sound familiar? 

Do we sometimes get off track and waste time? Uh-huh! And we are quick to tell ourselves that. 

And yet, more of the time, we simply don't value (and hence forget) all the ways in which we make a profound impact. I stopped to think about my morning...

·     I offered a cheery 'Good Morning" to a perfect stranger on my way to the gym

·     I greeted my waking son with an impromptu dance when I saw the huge smile on his face as he realized his summer program starts today.

·     I bought groceries that would enable me to make my husband dinner tonight (a RARE occurrence but that is another post!)

·     I cried tears of joy with a friend overseas upon learning that her tumor was benign.  

·     I cleared time in my schedule for an unexpected client emergency call

 

In minutes on the clock, these items barely registered. And yet, as I read each of one these, I know they represent me at my core. These are the briefest of moments in which I get to live out my what I value and who I want to be in this world. 

I am not very good at sustaining any appreciation practices so I am not going to tell you to start one. I just know that we all need to stop and notice how much better the world is because of the choices we make every day. 

Pondering Change

Hi there. Today's post is a ponderer. That is, no answers or wisdom. Wonderings and wanderings. Join me? 

No matter what precipitating dilemma or event brings my clients to me, the work always involves change. Setting goals means doing things differently to reach a new outcome. It means showing up differently to have a different experience. It means change.

Some of us thrive on change. We change to change. We love the newness. We love the learning curve. We love claiming ignorance because, after all, we have never done this before...

Some of us struggle with change. We fear letting go of the way things have been. We hold on to what is familiar. We don't want to make mistakes. We don't trust that our choices will lead to something better. 

Change involves courage. 

Change involves a deep longing.

Change is a comittment to something bigger than ourselves.

Change is a comittment to ourselves. 

And then there is the ultimate paradox:

Change doesn't happen unless we accept what is. Unless we accept where we are right now. Unless we accept who we are right now. 

 

What do you think? 

What do you know?

What are you pondering about change?

Also...some books worth exploring:

Immunity to Change

Switch

Conversations for Change

Loving What Is

Radical Acceptance

 

Dear Impulse,

You may recall that I had dinner with my intuition recently. She got me thinking about all the times I have confused impulse with intuition. Rather than meet with Impulse and risk adventures for which I was unprepared I decided to write her a letter:

 

Dear Impulse,

I have been thinking a lot about you. I catch glimpeses of you all time- usually from the back as I either chase after you or hang back and watch you whiz by. You have an incredible color sense. You never fail to catch my eye and make my heart skip a beat as I imagine having the courage to dress like you! 

I was going to write a letter in which I declared my need for some space and distance from you. But the more I thought I about it, the more I realized that is not exactly what I want. I am incredibly grateful to you. If not for you there are good friends I might never have approached, jobs I might never have applied for and adventures I might never have had. (Remember that time when we followed a complete stranger off a bus in the middle of nowhere? He showed us this gorgeous waterfall that no one had discovered. We got really lucky that he was a good and trustworthy person.) 

But we do need to renegotiate our relationship a little. 

You must realize that I make comittments to myself to change in some small and big ways. I want to eat less sugar. I want to take more time to do shiva nata. I want to slow down. And yet, you are not very respectful of those comittments. You start your incessant lobbying for abandoning the effort and before I know it you have pulled me away into some other activity or shoved a plate of something tempting in front of me. I imagine you mean well. You want me to have more fun. You want me to feel unconstrained. You are just being true to yourself. But I feel like I lose myself in you and that is not a good feeling. 

Here is what I need.

I need you to tell me what you want. And then... I need you to ask me what I want.or at least hold a beat while tell you what I want.  We are not always going to want the same things. And that's okay, right?  Friends don't have to want all the same things. I will respect your chocies if you respect mine. 

Can we try that and see if it works? I hope so. I still want you in my life 

with love and gratitude, 

pearl

 

My wise future self #trust30

Speak what you think now in hard words, and tomorrow speak what tomorrow thinks in hard words again, though it contradict every thing you said today. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Imagine your future self, ie, you 10 years from now. If she were to send you a tweet or text message, what would she say...

 

Travel light: Love & Laughter, honey---it's all you need!

 

how would that tranform you or change what something you think do or believe today? 

 

It boils down to this. Rather than toiling and saving and striving and planning so that I could______________ (fill in the blank)...

I could have what I yearn for right now by bringing these qualities to all I do and all I am.

 

Yes, RIGHT NOW. 

 

I could have what I yearn for right now

 

Point made.

Point taken. 

 

 

 

Yes, that was my intuition you saw me having dinner with! #trust30

She sits across from me in her elegant clothes. He nails are carefully manicured but not ostentatious. She is clearly having a good hair day. She manages to look self assured and alert and yet totally relaxed. Her features are incredibly expressive as she talks. She’s emotional and responsive to her environment and yet I feel like her focus is exclusively on me.  She is my intuition. She has granted me an unusual opportunity to sit across from her and really see her. She prefers to be in the background. (And I always thought it was because she felt too frumpy and unfashionable to appear in public. Ha! Goes to show what I know…)

 

We have both ordered the salad nicoise with dressing on the side. She is pleased that I listened to her. Although she is drinking sparkling water and I have a glass of wine in front of me. She scowls at it as she says, “You know, I know you hear me most of the time. I won’t buy the excuse that you’re hearing is fading in your old age.”

 

I think about whether or not to respond. I decide discretion is the better part of valor and wait for more. I know it is coming.

 

“I have noticed that sometimes you confuse me with Impulse. Really, Pearl. Have you seen her? She colors her hair you know. Just to stand out, I imagine. And no wonder she is so clumsy. She moves so fast you’d think they were having a sale on chocolates or something.”

 

I remain quiet. But I see what she is saying. I probably have confused them.

 

“I suppose you would like to know the real reason, I have chosen to keep this date with you tonight.” The real reason?

 

I know what she is going to say. And in that moment she looks at me and smiles. She is the reason I know what she is going to say. This is SO bizarre!

 

“It would be too predictable for me to say that you don’t trust me. And patently false. Because I know you do trust me. And I love that about you. We really do have a special bond. We’re among the lucky few, did you know? No, the reason I am here is that you seem to be under the mistaken impression that I only speak to you in some situations and that I am totally unavailable at other times.”

 

Well she has me there. That is what I think.

 

“Frankly I am a little hurt. What do you think I am off getting my nails done or something? ” My eyes do drift to her beautiful hands but I say nothing.

 

“Here is the thing. I am always with you. And embarrassing as it is to admit, I am always talking. Sometimes I do have to whisper. One must protect one’s larynx. And while we are on that subject, you don’t drink enough tea, my dear. Too much coffee and wine.”

I think I am beginning to understand why I don’t always listen to her.

 

“Anyway, the main point is this. Are you listening? You need to slow down. Slow your breathing. Slow your movements. Slow your mouth for heaven’s sake. It is the ONLY way to hear me. Have I ever steered you wrong? Okay well there was that one time but really let’s let bygones be bygones shall we?”

 

I am suddenly aware of the fact that half my plate is gone and my Intuition has barely taken a bite of hers. I put my hands in my lap and look contrite.

 

As we sit in comfortable silence now, I try to take her in. Not just her visual presence. There is a certain pleasant hum about her. A barely perceptible tone that resonates right in my chest. She calmly sips her sparkling water. Soon she will be gone. And I make my resolutions. I don’t need to say it out loud. She knows.

 

 

We communicate with our being #trust30

Men imagine that they communicate their virtue or vice only by overt actions, and do not see that virtue or vice emit a breath every moment. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

 I love this: virtue or vice emit a breath every moment. 

This phrase captures two such important ideas:

The first idea: our inner worlds show up with us wherever we go and we often are totally oblivious to the fact that they are releasing a quality that is palpable to those around us

The second idea: our breathing is thankfully effortless most of the time and we do not have to tell ourselves to breathe and yet, we have total and absolute control over our breath. So, too, we can choose to communicate certain intangible qualities with full intention

 

Think of any meeting you have ever been in. You walk in the room and it is rife with “virtue or vice”. Are you reacting to the actions of those in the room? Probably not. There is the usual- small talk, smiling, getting food from the side table. People are shuffling papers and adjusting their seats. Some may even be looking at the clock.

Imagine this. A meeting has been called to discuss the deployment of a serious cost cutting measure. People will lose their jobs. Morale will suffer. The goals will not shift and everyone is asked to do more with less. Some of the people in that room are loaded for bear. Others are quaking in their boots. Some are looking around the room wondering who they can throw under the bus to save their own skin. A video would not capture this. But the air is pungent with self-preservation, ill intent and naked fear. This is what we bring into a room and into a relationship.

 

It can be unconscious like breathing.

It can be conscious like breathing.

 

What is the impact you want to create?

This is a question my clients and I tackle a lot. It doesn’t usually result in different actions. The very act of connecting with an intention creates the shift.

Try this: Think about something coming up in the next few hours- ask yourself the question, “What is the atmosphere I want to contribute to?” “How can I connect with that quality?” Then bring that intention with you. 

I Know #trust30

I know that music stirs my soul

I know that movement calms my mind

I know that a well written novel deepens my capacity to hear other voices

I know intimate relationship is borne of comittment to be with what is day in and day out

I know that healthy conflict is the only way to for two or more people to live honestly with each other

I know that deep listening can take the place of a warm hug 

I know that human touch can be sacred

 

One Thing #trust30

Do your work, and I shall know you. Do your work, and you shall reinforce yourself. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

Today's prompt asks us to think of the one thing we have always wanted to DO and do it. As I reread Emerson's quote I know that "my work" and "the way you will know me" is not abouit anything I do. It is about who I am. And about who I endeavor to become. My work is in my being not my doing. 

 

My work is in the quality of my listening.

My work is in the opening of my heart.

My work is calm presence, playfulness, curiousity and wonder, humility. 

My work is in trust. 

As I look back on my life it is the moments that I have stopped focusing on doing and simply alowed myself to be that stand out.

Simply allowed. 

Cherishing A Story of Failure

Once upon a time, I was a first time Principal of a small struggling school. I hired a young, novice teacher and she was amazing. I loved her creativity, and the way the students learned to think in her class. She inspired me and energized the whole faculty. And then a few weeks before the end of the school year, her father passed away—suddenly. She took the call in our school office. It was a devastating blow. It broke my heart as I put her into a car that would take her home to her family. I went to visit her while she was sitting shiva¹. 

And then I got it wrong.

We had no bereavement policy. I never talked to her about her plans. With the end of year approaching, I simply assumed she would not be returning to school. I took her off the payroll! I had a nagging feeling that it wasn’t the right thing to do and I ignored it. And she came back. And there was some eleventh hour scrambling. 

It all worked out in the end.

What did I learn?

• Never make assumptions. Have the uncomfortable conversations.
• Don’t make unilateral decisions when you have no idea what you are doing and don’t be afraid to look stupid. Check in with the people who may have a perspective you simply lack.
• Being fiscally responsible doesn’t mean checking your humanity at the door.

Why do I not only remember but literally cherish this story of my humiliating error?

It reminds me that I can only lead when I am honest with myself and others about my blind spots. It helps me to value all my relationships because it is in relationship that we see our failings as well as our potential mirrored back to us.

I believe in our collective resilience. 
I believe in the transformative power of saying, I’m sorry. I made a mistake. 
I believe in feeling the pain when I mess up.
I believe in forgiving myself for being human. 
I believe in taking responsibility for making new choices.

Your turn. Dig out the old humiliating stories and start telling them. Cherish them for who they have allowed you to become.

Your Personal Message ---meet me at the well #trust30

To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for you in your private heart is true for all men, that is genius. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

What is burning deep inside of you? If you could spread your personal message RIGHT NOW to 1 million people, what would you say?

 -----

I can’t agree with Emerson. My view is to believe that what is true for you in your private heart is true for all men, is hubris.

How dare I presume to know what lives in your heart? How sad that I might never try to find out. And yet, to deny what is true for me is betrayal of who I was meant to be.  

 It is an ongoing challenge to listen deeply to ourselves so that we can begin to live in consonance with our truest self. And then to face each other in honesty and with a deep respect for beliefs which differ from our own-that is courage. And perhaps, that is love.  

 

The metaphor that speaks to me here is a deep well. Would that we were deep wells for each other. Taking in the echo of each other’s words, reflecting back each other’s  countenance and offering life giving nourishment.

Meet me at the well. We have much to share. 

 

Travel...my porch in the Galilee #trust30

If we live truly, we shall see truly. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Not everyone wants to travel the world, but most people can identify at least one place in the world they’d like to visit before they die. Where is that place for you, and what will you do to make sure you get there?

 

This is a tough one for me. I have been blessed with much travel in my life already.

During my 8 years growing up in Japan my family visited: Hong Kong, Guam, Thailand, Iran, Switzerland & England. During the years my husband worked at a travel company we travelled across the US as well as to Canada, France, Spain, revisited Japan and cruised the Caribbean. And I can no longer count the number of times I have been back and forth to Israel and hope to end my life there.

 

So Chris, I have to say that my sincerest wish is to sit on my porch in the Galilee and visit with family and friends sharing laughter and comfortable silences. I will continue to nurture my relationships, and appreciate all that comes to me in this life.  I will live truly, and we shall see….

One Strong Belief: We Have a Choice #Trust30

The world is powered by passionate people, powerful ideas, and fearless action. What’s one strong belief you possess that isn’t shared by your closest friends or family? What inspires this belief, and what have you done to actively live it?

 

 we always have a choice

The fabric of our world is woven with a promise- that we can always return to our best selves, to our core values, to our inherent capacity to create a world in which all living things can thrive. I believe it is not only a promise but a choice to be made-- to be the best we can be and align with our destiny

Stoic acceptance, resignation, even despair is always knocking at the door of this belief. I am as susceptible as the people I love and live with. As I sit crouch legged on my side of the door I hear the distant calls, “You are sunk, honey” “You’re stuck” “It isn’t going to get better, so get used to it” “What can you expect of them anyway” “It’s just the way it is” “It’s just the way I am.”

When my hand stretches out to turn the knob I am in danger of betraying myself. Even as I slowly turn and consider giving in I realize—I am making a choice. What am I choosing? And with that thought, I have returned to myself. I can stand on my own two feet and see a different possibility.

 

This belief is core for me. It is rooted in my belief in God, in my reading of the bible. In my absolute certainty that our inherent capacity to choose is divinely endowed. It is also rooted in my life experience. I have made changes over and over again. I have redeemed myself over and over again. I am resilient. My relationships are resilient. Our world is resilient. 

I apologize.

I ask for a do-over (I was harsh, I am sorry. It is not who I want to be. Can we try again? I care about you.)

 

I see each new day, each new moment as a new opportunity. (I passed a homeless man on the street without a kind word yesterday, today I will smile and say hello.)

I take responsibility (Am I choosing to wallow in despair? Am I choosing to feel victimized? What can I do to shift this? Who do I need to reach out to?)

 

Today...in one sentence #trust30

Your genuine action will explain itself, and will explain your other genuine actions. Your conformity explains nothing. The force of character is cumulative. – Ralph Waldo Emerson, Self-Reliance

If ‘the voyage of the best ship is a zigzag line of a hundred tracks,’ then it is more genuine to be present today than to recount yesterdays. How would you describe today using only one sentence? Tell today’s sentence to one other person. Repeat each day.

 

Today I create with my words and my silence; today I inhabit my world with intention. 

Today...in one sentence #trust30

Your genuine action will explain itself, and will explain your other genuine actions. Your conformity explains nothing. The force of character is cumulative. – Ralph Waldo Emerson, Self-Reliance

If ‘the voyage of the best ship is a zigzag line of a hundred tracks,’ then it is more genuine to be present today than to recount yesterdays. How would you describe today using only one sentence? Tell today’s sentence to one other person. Repeat each day.

 

Today I create with my words and my silence; today I inhabit my world with intention. 

Untitled

 

For the next 30 days I will be joining in the Domino Project's celebration of Ralph Waldo Emerson's Birthday.

Each day I will be reflecting on a prompt that encourages us to look within! 

Join me, read me, share me...

Thank you! 

 

15 Minutes to Live #Trust30

We are afraid of truth, afraid of fortune, afraid of death, and afraid of each other. Our age yields no great and perfect persons. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

You just discovered you have fifteen minutes to live.

1. Set a timer for fifteen minutes.
2. Write the story that has to be written.

 

Moments of raw human connection are rare, precious and in the end the only thing that matters.

 

I am sitting on my sister’s hospital bed before a serious surgery. She is terrified and hyperventilating. Our relationship has been plagued by distance, miscommunication and mutual recrimination. On that night, there was only tenderness. I held her hand. We breathed together. She looked into my eyes and her breathing slowed. What flowed between our breath and our eyes was love.

 

It is barely a week since my sister passed away. I have come to take my parents to see my sister’s apartment and go through some of her personal items. I worry my mother will fall apart when she sees the remnants of a life cut short.  We sit together and I help her think about what she hopes for from this visit. I help her articulate her fears. She starts to plan what steps she will take to move her toward her hopes and away from her fears. She is ready.

 

I walk into my grandmother’s room with my husband. She has had a stroke but she remembers. The last time she saw us, she was being courted by a gentleman who visited her at her brother’s house. She starts to tell the story. Her daughters think she is hallucinating. We maintain eye contact and smile. She smiles. It was a happy memory. We know. It is enough.

 

A woman tells me her life story. She is addicted to pain killers. She needs help. She needs money. She is a sweet soul who has just helped me buy my train ticket and guided me to my platform. I urge her to get help. I tell her about my own sister. I tell her life is too precious to waste away on an addiction. We take each others hands. She thanks me for listening and treating her with dignity. She ushers me onto my train. I sit down and cry like a baby.

 

I want to look you in the eye. I want to smile. I want to hold your hand. We are connected. This is the story.  

I dare you to speak of this at work

Feel

Heart

Body

Spirit/Soul

Love

Dream

 

These words and concepts raise eyebrows and generate awkward sideways glances in the established work world. Even before I was paid to shock the organizational system into acknowledging that all of us sitting in the room are human beings with heart and mind; body & soul- I was a "name the elephant in the room" kind of girl. 

And still, I have that moment when my pulse quickens and my heart jumps into my throat and I think, "Can I really say this here?" 

Isn't it surreal when people sit around a table and pretend that they aren't a jumble of emotions and aspirations. There is an amost palpable feel to the energy of suppression. Supressing our souls, our feelings, our dreams. 

I dream of the day when the kind of deep, open and real covnersation that happens between me and my clients are the norm in organizations. I guess that is the future I am trying to create.

Because my awe for humanity is such that I beleive that when we bring ourselves fully into relationship with each other- miraculous things unfold. 

 

Untitled

 

"Betterment is a perpetual labor. The world is chaotic, disorganized and vexing and medicine is nowhere saved that reality. To complicate matters, we in medicine are also only human ourselves. We are distractible, weak and given to our own concerns. Yet stills, to live as a doctor is to live so that one's life is bound up in others' and in science and in the messy, complicated connection between the two. It is to live a life of responsibility. The question then is not whether one accepts the responsibility. Just by doing this work, one has. The question is having accepted the responsibility, how one does such work well." Atul Gawande, better: A Surgeon's Notes on Performance

 

Do you find this quote as powerful as I do? II read this book several years ago and then  I heard the quote used in the context of a performance review for educators. The speaker made the point that one could substitute the word “teacher” for “doctor” and it would be just as relevant. There are many aspects of this quote that I find powerful; I share this with you because I dream of a world in which everyone can view their work in the world as living a life of responsibility. Just imagine if we could each get clear about our purpose and pursue it with a sense of commitment to “betterment”. If we all had a shared understanding that we were committed to our world in meaningful ways, we would look one another in the eye with a renewed sense of respect and recognition. It would not matter what we were doing-- what our specific “job” was. That would be far less important than the belief that we each have a role to play in this world and we are all engaged in clarifying that role, living it and perfecting it over the course of our lives. 

 

“the shortest distance between two people is a smile”

Is there a toxic relationship in your life?
You avoid this person in the hall.
You pretend you are otherwise engaged when s/he is in sight.
When you have to communicate you use email or leave voice mail messages.
Every exchange carries the weight of every past negative conversation you have ever had.
Your tone is harsh to defend against the hostility (or sarcasm, or judgment) you expect.
Even when s/he is saying something benign you hear the echoes of negative intent.

Sound familiar? You are in a conversation with people you like. The conversation is productive and easy. You laugh heartily. All of a sudden you realize “he” has joined the group. Your whole being tightens up and you bump right up against two totally different people: the person you are when you are at ease and the one you become in this person’s presence.

What is it costing you to stay so protected and boxed up?
What is it like to be suited up for battle all the time?
Is it accomplishing anything?
Is it changing the nature of the relationship for the better?
Are you calmer, more relaxed, safer?
Do you like yourself better?

Are there simple solutions to this dilemma? Not always.
Is it all up to you? Probably not.

There is at least one powerful tool that I keep rediscovering.
The internal impact is profound.
It dramatically shifts who we can be in relationship.
Are you ready?

Smile

Try it now.

Relax the muscles around your mouth.
Think about the one person or place or thing in the world that you love unconditionally.
Let your mouth and eyes relax into the smile that naturally follows.

Repeat often through out the day.
Practice makes Perfect.

And then when “s/he” passes by... you’ll be ready.

finger pointing is a boomerang sport

Sometimes when I work with an organizational client, the situation has deteriorated. More often than not, there is already an assumption about who is to blame. I am asked to come in and ‘fix’ this person.

In her book The Gifts of Imperfection, Brené Brown says that we can have three responses to pain. We blame, we judge or we try to fix. All of these are attempts to protect ourselves from actually feeling the pain.

“We’re behind schedule because he doesn’t know what he is doing.”
“We are losing customers because she has poor people skills.”
“Our board is making noises about our being over budget; I am going to have to take over the hiring and firing for now.”
“I could solve this problem if only he would stop micromanaging me.”

“But they really are the problem,” you say. (And by the way, notice how the more you convince yourself of this, the problem grows from what this person is doing/not doing to who they are as a human being.)

They probably do have a role in the current situation. Chances are, so do you. And that is the pain that you are avoiding when you point fingers at employees, peers or a boss. You are avoiding the possibility that you have failed in some way. You are defending yourself against feeling the vulnerability that comes with responsibility and accountability. And quite frankly you are avoiding the pain of a complex systemic issue.

It is so much easier to identify a culprit and fix them or nix them.

None of us want to learn that we may have helped contribute to a culture in which people are competing against each other making it harder for the organization to succeed. We don’t want to face the fact that we may have shut down honest communication and limited creative problem solving. We don’t want to admit that we are trying to accomplish an impossible goal or working under unrealistic expectations.

You don’t need to be perfect to be a powerful leader. So be brave and feel the pain:

• Stop talking. Start listening. Talk individually to everyone involved. Ask lots of questions. What is working? What are our strengths? What are the challenges? What am I doing to help? What am I doing that is getting in the way? What do you see as the priority right now?
• Bring everyone together. Paint a collective picture of the challenge. Come to agreement about what you will all consider a successful outcome.
• Ask everyone to make public commitments (you too) about what you will stop doing, start doing or continue to do to ensure that you reach a successful outcome.
• Thank each other for their collaborative effort. Talk together about how you will hold yourselves accountable to the plan.

That wasn’t so hard, was it?