Rejecting Gossip. Period.

Did you read this article on a recent study of Gossip published in the New York Times? There was one (and only one) thing I loved about it: A reference to the origin of the word 'gossip' as referring to "chatting with one's 'godsibs' ". 

Godsibs is about the best word ever. I am blessed with Godsibs. Dear friends with whom I feel connected at a deep, soul level. Godspeed to the godsibs. 

However...I was also deeply troubled. I could go on about almost every paragraph in the article. I won't. Allow me this:

Take this line from the article: "Gossip can be useful in maintaining social norms and keeping people in line." The expression "keeping people in line" is rooted in a vision of society that sends Orwellian shivers down my spine. 

I aspire to a world in which we give each other the benefit of the doubt, we ask each other questions directly when we are troubled by comments or behaviors, we take responsibility for our own impact on the group and we support each other to change. 

One researcher in the article was quoted as saying, "If you tell people that this person is a selfish jerk, people learn to avoid the exploitive jerk." This possibly off handed comment by an otherwise well-meaning post-doc does not let me go. Why are we calling anyone "a selfish jerk". We can describe their behavior. We can feel the horrible impact of their behavior and let them know directly or even seek out support from trusted allies. But the ease with which we might label people feels like part of the toxicity of gossip. 

Let me close with a note of optimism rooted in a story about my kids. My two boys are now 17 and 19. From the time they were in grade school, they have patently refused to talk about (gossip-if you will) other kids or teachers. I have lost count of the number of times they have shared stories of troubling moments and have skillfully eliminated any identifying information about who and often even exactly what. My probing questions elicit, "is that really important?" 

THEY ARE SO RIGHT. I don't know who to thank for their 'in the bones' assimilation of this idea. Their schools, their teachers, our Jewish tradition or some genetic transmission from an ancestor I wish I had known. I will gladly suffer the twinge of embarrassment when they raise their eyebrows at my own indiscretion. 

They are living examples what I believe in and aspire to.  

"looking for a job" = "looking for a community"

Let’s take a birds-eye view of a job interview. Marion, the employer, is interviewing Patricia, the applicant, for a senior role in an organization.

Marion is looking for experience and competence. She is looking for someone she can manage. She is looking for loyalty and professionalism. Her questions are designed to assess how much Patricia understands about the work. She tells Patricia what the job entails. She clarifies the salary range and vacation time. She engages is some personal small talk to get a feel for the applicant’s personality.

 

Patricia needs a job. She is pretty smart and she reads Marion well. She knows how to present herself in a positive light. She is articulate and asks reasonable questions about the role that indicates she understands something about what is required.  She is ready with her strengths and challenges.

 

Fast-forward 8 months. Marion is unhappy with Patricia’s performance. Patricia has started sending out her resume. This was a mistake.  

 

What if at the start the employer and applicant talked about these questions:

 

• Let’ talk about what it is possible for you to become here…

Can you tell me more about prospects for my own professional development? 

 

• Let me tell you what we are about here. We have a community with a set of values. Let’s talk about some of them and how they show up

What are the core values that guide the way you work here? Can you give me some examples?  

 

• If you join us, we believe that you can make a difference in some important ways. Let me describe what I mean….

It is important to me to add value and make a positive difference in my work. Can you tell me if and how that might be possible here? 

  

We can no longer pretend- yes even in this economy- that a senior staff member of an organization can thrive and contribute in an environment in which meaning and purpose are off the table. We need to consciously construct our work culture with attention to both heart and mind. We need to see our workplaces as communities in which relationship and integrity are paramount.

If you feel this void as you look at your own workplace-- even if you are not at the top of your organization – start agitating for change. Starting talking about what matters. Start living the reality you want to inhabit.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Things We Know When We Are 5 years old

My niece asked her Dad if everyone has to have a child. Her Dad told her that there were only two things you could count on for certain: You have to pay taxes and you have to die eventually. 

 

My niece quickly added,

"No, you're wrong daddy. There are 3 things. You make your own choices.:

Did I know this when I was 5? 

Note to self: Listen to the little ones....they will remind us of the wisdom we lost along the way. 

WORDS MATTER

Two people. Two soulful people. Two passionate people.

Two people who make a living by giving to others in deep and impactful ways.

Two people with integrity.

 

• One is frustrated because of a boss who is not leading with integrity and vision. He opened up a difficult conversation with this boss. He tried to work it through. He said things like, “You never…” “Why can’t you…?”

[This is blaming language. It leads to defensiveness or stonewalling. It escalates.]

 

• The other is frustrated because a program near and dear to her heart could get cut by the powers that be. She felt she couldn’t approach the powers so she wrote a cathartic letter to her colleagues who shared her view and blasted the leaders who didn’t.

[This is passive aggressive. This creates festering wounds inside of an organization. This is actually contemptuous.]

 

 One of my core values is that WORDS MATTER.

The words we use can create and destroy. How we speak shapes who we are and how we share meaning. When we speak from the heart we all change. We need to make room for multiple voices: those inside of us and those around us. 

My people were speaking from their frustration. From their sense of powerlessness. From their head actually disconnected from their heart. When I redirected them to their heart (and taught them a few key communication tips) the one was able to have a new kind of conversation with his boss and the other mustered the courage to speak directly and constructively to the powers that be.

 

Two lessons for me:

1)      Being human (even the best of humans) means coming face to face with emotions that are not always pretty. And so often, especially when we are good people, we hide those emotions --from ourselves. Until they leak out. Until they show up in our words.

 2)      The only way out is through—our feelings. And we need to vent and let ourselves have our tantrums and our rants. And then we need to take a deep breath and ask ourselves, “What is the conversation I need to have now? With Whom? How can I speak from my heart and be heard?” 

 

I don’t micro-manage…!

Is this you? Do you take pride in this fact? You probably had a boss who micro-managed you and you vowed never to do that to your people. 25 years ago, I worked for an incredibly visionary leader to whom my highest praise was, “You gave me enough rope to swing on but not enough on which to hang myself.” None of us want to feel the boss breathing down our neck and judging us at every turn.

 

However… (you knew that was coming). Ask yourself honestly if any of the following might also be true:

 

• You play traffic cop often- your people come to you with questions about priorities and workload management
• You spend a lot of time resolving conflicts and disputes between your people
• People are confused about their role or responsibility
• Your team is totally aligned with each other- in their concerns about you

 

A successful team leader does not micro-manage. You are right. But if the sum total of your success is based on what you don’t do….well—you know it is not enough.

 

A successful team leader actively builds the collective capacity of the team

 

A few more questions:

 

1.  Do you regularly bring your people together to take the pulse of the group as a whole? To think together?
2. Do you have agreed upon ways of working and acknowledged strategies for when things don’t work?
3. Do you have protocols for handling conflict?
4. Do you have tools for creating alignment among the group?

If you answered no to any of these, or if you are not sure what I am talking about the email me. Today’s leaders need to be able to form teams that are inspired, resilient, and collaborative and results oriented.

 

Don’t you want to be one?

 

 

 

Workplace Smog

One of the first things I learned in graduate school was how to pare down my tortured verbiage into writing that was crisp and lean.

 

One of the first things I learned as a coach was how to ask short questions that get to the essence.

 

One of the things I have found refreshing about watching Suits (my son corralled me!) is the brutally honest way that Harvey and Mike talk to each other.

 

Now that the fog of cigarette smoke has cleared from most office buildings we can see the smog of too much unproductive talk! The workplace is choking on too much CYA talk, too much political maneuvering, excessive emails and CC’s that seek to prove and protect. Even when people walk into each other’s offices, they are jockeying, they are second-guessing, and they are off loading. More often people are grousing in loud whispers and throwing up their hands.

Can you imagine a workplace where…

• your co-workers say what they think (respectfully) and you don’t have to watch your back?
• you know you can work through conflict with agreed upon protocols?
• the collective wisdom of a group can prevail over a loud or powerful voice?
• people take personal responsibility and feel accountable to the group?

 

I CAN! I know what is possible when people develop relationship systems intelligence. My work now is totally dedicated to getting organizations to clear the air and talk about what matters. Clearly. Directly.

 

NOTE: I have recently become one of only 5 US licensed coaches to deliver a cutting edge program for managers that will change the way you lead and change the way you work. Ready to clear the air? Email me….

 

 

I'm Fine,Thanks

I just pledged to support this project which has me jazzed up. Looks like they set out to inspire us all to a life I believe in. Watch it and pledge?