Lead This Way...

For 5 years I have been telling my clients that I don’t ascribe to or promote any particular leadership style.

 

 

My role is to help you to find your own personal way of leading that works for you.

If you try to copy someone else’s style, it will fall flat.

You have to clarify your own values and assumptions and act from that place.  What I do ascribe to is a developmental approach to leadership development. You can’t stagnate. It is critical to continue to evolve as a leader.

 

I lied.

Partially.

Not intentionally.

 

So if you work with me now or you are thinking about it- pay attention. Here is what I believe we are striving for. Good leaders…

 

Understand their own emotional reactions and use it to understand others.

            Are humble and open.

            See what is working and acknowledge it

See what is possible and work toward it

Are not always reacting;

Step back and sense what is trying to happen-

in the team

in the organization,

in the larger environment in which they function

Don’t believe they can lead alone.

Find good people.

Tap into the wisdom of their people.

 

Wait a minute.  What about-

 

Decision-making

Vision

Communication skills

(and so much else)

 

Yup—good stuff.

And you might be stronger in some areas and weaker in others.

No one can be everything.

 

I am digging a well and inviting you to gather ‘round and drink from it.

(Leadership development can make you thirsty! J)

 

 

 

Spellcheck Musings: Shabbat

Although I started my professional life as a Jewish educator, and the integrated whole of who I am simply can’t be pulled apart into Jewish and secular components, I don’t often write in public about Jewish themes. Many of you- my loyal readers- are not Jewish and some of you feel no real connection to any religious group.

 

But today, I was typing the word Shabbat for the googolest time in my life, and as always, the spell check wanted to suggest that in fact I meant “showboat”. 

 

שבת 

 

Background: Shabbat:  

The Hebrew word for the Jewish Sabbath, which takes place from an hour before sundown Friday to sundown Saturday. The root of the word implies rest, desisting from work, possibly even return. For me it is the gift of time that reconnects me to my divine source, to my community and to my family. It disconnects me (literally) from most of the modern technological conveniences and ritualizes reflection, appreciation, study and song. If this is the first you are hearing of the Jewish Sabbath, I direct you to The Sabbath by Abraham J. Heschel.

 

So—Showboat….

In so many ways showboats and what takes place on them are the antithesis of my Shabbat experience. And yet… I was suddenly enchanted by the image of the old showboats gallantly moving down the river way. I imagine that after the speed of almost every one of our current conveyances, the feeling on the water in a showboat is not unlike the sudden pleasure and power of Shabbat for me.

And the river.

The river.

It works as a Shabbat metaphor.

Flowing through my life, ever present, ever powerful.

I can swim in it and I can float in it.

I can choose to sit on the banks or I can let it carry me in its currents.

 

And suddenly I hear Paul Robeson’s moving rendition of Ol Man River

O' man river,

Dat ol' man river,

He mus'know sumpin'

But don't say nuthin'

He jes' keeps rollin'

He keeps on rollin' along

 

Blowing in the Wind

On some days, if you asked me what I do I would tell you I am a systems coach. Thanks to CRR Global I have a deep and profound set of skills that enable me to support people in the way they show up most naturally- in relationship with each other. To quote Brene Brown in her Ted talk, “Connection is why we are here.”  And it turns out that it is a lot easier to living meaningful and fulfilling lives at work and at home if you have some capacity for thriving in relationships (otherwise known as systems).

One of the most powerful concepts to come out of CRR Global is the idea of a Third Entity ™  

Here is the way CRR describes it on their website:

 

Each group, team or partnership is more than just a collection of individuals. The combined experiences, intelligences and energy form a unique and separate entity that is more than the sum of its parts. 

So every relationship I find myself in is comprised of me, the other, and our third entity ™.

For those solopreneurs out there it will come as no surprise when I tell you that I have a relationship with my own business. I used to brow beat my business into succeeding. It didn’t take very well to that. I would occasionally enter into a period of benign neglect. It didn’t like that much either.  It has taken me years to go from a very administratively competent, linear, strategic professional to one who is willing and able to sense what is trying to happen and stay open to that. When I really stepped back and listened to what the Third Entity ™ of my business had to say and really heard what it needed I learned something interesting.

 

It thrives in the wind. When pinned down-- it rebels and flies off.

And it is brilliant at catching the energy of passion and integrity. It told me that sometimes when I start panicking, or feeling inferior to others out there doing amazing work, (and this doubting my business) I need to remember that what looks like flailing is actually dancing and we (my business and I) have our own path.

 

When I feel the breeze and trust that dance—let me tell you the possibilities are endless. I have been carried off into places with so much potential. So many of you striving to do good, striving to contribute.

 

A business that thrives in the wind may not have a formal business plan—but boy does it pick up!

 

 

 

Friends At Work

I recently taught a course on communication issues in the workplace and the students pointed me to a challenge I have never personally encountered. 

What do you do when friends become colleagues and your way of relating to each other is not particularly helpful in the work environment?  

and even harder...

What do you do when you are your friend's supervisor? 

My own experience is more of the-- my best friends are the people I worked closely with on projects I cared about --variety. So that pattern was always reversed. And yet I do understand the dilemma. 

We have certain roles and habits that develop in our friendships. Some of which we are pretty happy and comfortable with and are fine --outside of work. Sometimes those roles are not actually that comfortable anywhere and in the glare of the fluorescent lighting at work really take on a troubling hue. We worry about rocking the boat. We worry that saying something could risk both the work and the personal relationship.

Here are some of the ideas we came up with. They all boil down to one thing of course:

TALK ABOUT IT!

• Name the problem with the way you behave with each other. Talk about why it is problematic at work. Are you cracking inappropriate jokes in meetings? Are you ignoring each other when you should be actively collaborating? Check to see if you both experience this the same way. 

 

• Support each other to be the best you can be at work. In a good friendship, you are hyper attuned to your friend’s gifts. Tell her the potential you see in her. Help him shine and ask for help to do the same.

 

• Don’t leave things vague. One student told me he spoke to a friend/colleague and his friend response, “Yeah, fine. I get it.” Was not particularly helpful. He made sure not to leave it that way. They kept talking not only about what it might look like to behave differently with each other at work but also created some signals to use when they fell back on old patterns.

 

• Make time for the friendship outside of work. Sometimes, it is easy to get lazy and think that seeing each other all the time at work is the relationship.

 

• If you are the supervisor: tell your friend exactly what you think needs to change and talk about how you can both make it work. What do you need? What does your friend need?  

 

What is your experience with this? What has worked for you?

 

 

 

You CAN'T Avoid Pain

Do you know what the biggest epidemic of our time is?

 

AVOIDING PAIN

 

We don’t want a bad grade

We don’t want a bad review

We run from disappointment

We run from troubled relationships

We avoid hard conversations

We don’t want to get on a scale

We don’t want to look in the mirror

Color the hair, cut out the fat, and smooth the wrinkles

We don’t want to be the ‘bad guy’

We think we have to stop crying

We pretend we are okay

We shun failure

 

We invest so much energy in feeling good, feeling happy. Protecting ourselves from feeling bad. It scares us. It stops us in our tracks. For some it is the primary motivator in life. Succeed—so I don’t fail. Achieve—so I don’t notice the hole in my heart.

 

I have learned many things from and with my clients but first and foremost my life has taught me that pain is an integral part of life and when we hide from it, we risk losing a piece of our own humanity.

 

Sometimes we have to roll up in a fetal position and shake with terror

Sometimes we have to eat crow

Sometimes we have to feel such heavy loss that our limbs no longer carry us

Sometimes we have to face our own weaknesses

Sometimes we have to accept responsibility for causing others harm

Sometimes we have to look in the mirror and accept that perfection does not exist.

Sometimes we have to do without, suffer, sacrifice, retrench, retreat and recover.

 

And that is the proof that we are human.

(Not to put too fine a point on it but …that is the proof that we are not G-d. )

 

That is the seeds of our survival. Learning how to live in the garden and learning how to journey out from it.  Learning how to accept ourselves for our humanity. Learning how to accept each other for theirs.

 

 

 

 

 

Take In The View Before You Set Your Goals

I had a great conversation today with a client who is in his 4^th year at the helm of his organization. He brought about a lot of change in his first three years and really set the organization on a firm foundation toward excellence. He described it as climbing a mountain. He is now standing on the top of the mountain.

Do you know the feeling? You just completed a huge project successfully. You met some really big goals. You overcame challenges to accomplish something worthwhile. And then there is a little sadness. It’s over. Or it seems to be. What do you do with your time and energy now? How do you transition into the next thing?

Back to my client: He is a little uneasy with the calm and the seeming cessation of challenging forward movement. He asks, “What is my job now? I know there are plenty of new goals to set and so much more we could be doing. And yet, it feels like we are still walking the same paths only improving our capacity to reach the summit by degrees.”

So I encouraged him to think about his metaphor. He is now at a plateau with a vista. He can look back down and revisit the journey and the accomplishment. He can acknowledge what he and his team have been able to do. He can also look out and around. This is an opportunity to be still for a while and just notice what is happening around him. What is out there? What new possibilities? What new terrain to traverse?

Do you allow yourself some time and space between action to just notice? What catches your attention? Give yourself just a little more time than feels natural to stop planning and proposing and just watch what might emerge.

Back to my client: We started the conversation about what he is noticing. What seeds of new ideas might be hidden in the discomfort of his stillness. What new perspective he had after his first set of accomplishments. We began to map some possibilities but not too firmly. He is starting to enjoy the exploration. There is more here.

 

How about you…?

 

Collaboration

You didn't get into this mess alone;

 

Find the folks

who are going to help you

get out of it. 

 

Are we too protective?

The outside in…

The senior leadership team is in their monthly meeting. As we zoom in, we watch as one member consistently puts her points forward in self-assured declarative statements. She tells you why she is right. She reminds you of her prior experience that puts her in a unique position to know. She lays out a pretty thoughtful plan. She hasn’t expressed any doubt, asked any questions (that she doesn’t already know the answer to). The people around the table know to expect this and they tolerate it because, actually, she is right a lot of the time. The team leader is internally scratching his head because he knows that important conversations are being shut down as a result of this dynamic.

 

The inside out….

Over the years, our life experiences act like irritations in the mollusk shell and we slowly coat ourselves with the nacre that protects our vulnerabilities. Layer after layer, year after year, we feel more protected, more girded against the many ways in which life can touch our soft spots and make us feel unsafe. And like the nacre, we start to see the beauty in that protection. We become resilient. Those coatings stop serving as a protection and start to define who we are. We would sooner lose our nacre than walk outside naked. Eventually, others never really get to see who we are in all our humanity, we sacrifice intimacy and connection. And sometimes, we even forget to set aside the shell when we are alone.

 

What if I told you the woman in the team meeting has always been under-estimated. Her gender or her color or her accent has triggered more biased events than she cares to recall. Her nacre is pride. It is proving. It is aggressive self-promotion.

 

The way forward…

The woman is trapped in her protection. She is so worried that she will be viewed negatively that she is missing how she is actually being perceived.

Her work is to start to crack her shell just enough that she can look inside.

Her work is to allow herself to feel vulnerable occasionally and understand she won’t fall apart.

Her work is to eventually risk sharing that vulnerability. It might look like saying, “I don’t know” occasionally. It might look like holding her tongue even when she thinks she should speak. It might mean taking a risk and asking for feedback from her colleagues on how she could improve their working relationship. 

Are you on that team?

What is your work?

 

THE QUIET DAY

Today I am joing with the Quiet Place to silence phones, hold off on posting to facebook and communicating in lower case with gentle communication. 

 

We all need a day like this don't we?

I Choose To Believe

We are never alone

We encounter the world through relationship. Our relationships with ourselves, each other and our environment evolve and call us forth to examine who we are now, who we are becoming and how we can contribute. Tap into connection.

We have a choice

The fabric of our world is woven with a promise- that we can always return to our best selves, to our power to shape a world in which all living things thrive. It is not only a promise but also a choice we make every moment. Choose integrity.

Words matter

The words we use can both create and destroy. How we speak shapes who we are and how we share meaning. When our voice emanates from the heart we all change. Speak with intention.

Laughter is a gift

Genuine laughter touches the soul and brings us closer to ourselves and to each other. When we can trust the spontaneity of joy, we begin to trust ourselves. Laugh with abandon.

We are sacred

We each embody a sacred spirit. It is the gift we are given and the gift we give. You remind me of my potential. I remind you of yours. Our spirit links us inextricably to the divine and to each other. Trust your value.

Let's Start a Revolution of Patience

Platitude Alert: CHANGE TAKES TIME

President Obama has repeatedly said that the kind of change he wants to see in this country will take time. Cynics will say that he is managing our expectations and protecting himself. I think, regardless of your politics, if you are honest with yourself you know it is true. 

And yet our way of life is so antithetical to patience with change. Now that I am at long last a smart phone owner- I know how instantaneously I get and receive information and responses. And believe me-I LOVE it. Technology has aided and abetted our addiction to speed. 

_______________

In the coaching world we like to say that coaching is not like therapy. You can reach your goals and see progress in a much shorter amount of time.  We, too, feed into the need for people to see change quickly. And it can be true. However, what is even truer is that the real lasting change, the kind of change that takes root in your bones so that you experience yourself differently-that change is slower. I am blessed to have some clients who have been with me for years. And they will tell you, I have tried to fire them. And yet the blessing of working with them over a significant amount of time is the chance to witness lasting transformation. 

I have been working with my own coach now for 6 years. And while to most of the world, I am essentially who I have always been- I know- and she knows- that I am more resilient, more grounded, more compassionate (to myself!) and connected to all that gives meaning to my life than I was when we started. 

_______________

Have you ever grieved for a loved one? Over 2 years after losing my sister I know that I am still learning how to live in the world as an only child. Did I move on with my life relatively soon? Sure. have I finished grieving? Not by a long shot. 

_______________

It takes effort to slow down. I sometimes ask my clients to tap out a beat with their hand at the pace they would like to be moving. I encourage them to use this beat as their internal metronome as they talk, and walk and move through their day. Easy? Not at all. 

I am more and more convinced that our innate potential and creativity, our capacity to give and love are all a product of the slow times--not the fast ones. 

What do you think? 

Will you start this SLOW revolution with me? 

Love what you do...

Me: I can't wait until tomorrow when I can put in a full day of work. 

My 17yr. old son: You can't wait?

Me: Yes. I love what I do and I want to get back to it.

My 17 yr. old son: Isn't that great that you love what you do?

Me: It is. It didn't happen by accident. My career choices have all been motivated by paying attention to what energizes me and what ignites my passion and compassion. 

My 17 yr. old son: MMM. I can't wait until I finish HS!

 

 

Can there be any other way than to love what you do? I am not naive. I know many of you don't. And I also know that no matter what you do... you have the choice to find within it the place where you can contribute. Where you matter. And if you can't--you have the choice to leave. Or you have the choice to find other places in your life where you can you pour your passion. 

Life is too short to blame other people and circumstances. You have gifts. Yours is but to recognize them, use them and feel the joy of being well-used!

 

 

Curtain Call for Being Busy?!

Recently, when I asked a client if he had a conversation that he had been eager to have and that we prepared for together, he said, “No I have been too busy.” In our day-to-day lives, we hear this from each other all the time. In fact we probably say it all the time. And yet as a coach—it stopped me short. 

 

Before I say more about why—you might be interested in what others have been writing and saying about being busy.

 

This piece, entitled “The Busy Trap” from the NY Times was very poignant and I like the fact that he talks about being busy as “a choice!”

 

This article from Kids Health cites a poll of over 880 kids aged 9-13. It turns out that 90% of them felt stressed because they were too busy.

 

This thought piece entitled, “Why Being Busy Can Keep You From Getting Ahead” which appeared in Forbes suggests that busy-making activities usually are down in the details and take us away from reflective big picture thinking.

 

So why did my client’s statement that he was too busy stop me short?

 

It helped me to realize that we had failed to work through a more core ambivalence about the conversation. “I have been too busy” is an excuse. In this case it is really saying,

 

“I am not sure I want to have this conversation.”

Or

“I am worried I will blow it.”

Or

“I don’t want to be rejected.”

 

And this is something I see a lot. We use busyness as a way of avoiding important relationship moves. We avoid dodge hard truths. We shun confrontation. We sidestep commitment. We avoid uncertainty. And to complicate matters, society has made it socially acceptable to hide behind being “busy”.

 

I am grateful that my clients are courageous enough to revisit their own ambivalences and work through them. Together we are pulling aside the curtain of busyness and shining a light on what it has been masking…

 

 

 

Harvest Your Experience and Plant New Seeds for Next Year

Rabbi Ruth Fagen has posted the most beautiful meditation for the New Year. 

http://elearning.huc.edu/wordpress/continuinged/?p=1660

 

I intend to begin using it today.

Please join me....

 

 

 

EXPERIMENT!

Trial balloon, improv, pilot, testing the waters, use the words that feel right. 

Too often when we are at the helm or even in a new role and feel all eyes on us---we are hamstrung by the belief that we have to get it "right". No room for error. Mistakes will not be forgiven. 

Or...we tell everyone we are in learning mode. We give ourselves permission to hold off on any big moves and just take stuff in. 

The truth is the only way to learn is by doing. Rolling up ourselves and getting a little dirty. The only way kids learn is by making their own mistakes and figuring out how to fix them. The only way couples learn to develop a truly deep and lasting relationship is by accidentally triggering each other's vulnerabilities and working through more supportive and productive ways to navigate them in the future. 

What we need is a personal stance that embraces the "experiment". The "let's try this and see how it turns out" attitude.

Did you ever take a class in clay sculpture? Or charcoal drawing? Do you remember how in the begining we got to just "play" with the medium? Do you remember how freeing that was? 

Play with the variables at your disposal. Get into the spirit of discovery and possibility. Expect failure. Set the expectation that these are experiments. As long as you are collecting data that you can all look at and consider--there will be learning. 

An organization that can play, that can experiment, that can learn from mistakes is a resilient organization. It is an engaged organization. It is a compassionate organization. 

 

"Alignment"- All Jazzed Up

I have been simplifying and clarifying in all aspects of my life and that includes a redesign of my website. I am trying to move away even more from words that sound canned or jargony. I want you to connect to what I am saying and offering without rolling your eyes or having to scratch your head.

 

I realized that I use the word “alignment” a lot. I may find an alternative. In the meantime, I thought it might be worthwhile exploring what that means and why I see it as a value for my clients.

Alignment is not: 

• Total agreement
• Sublimating my needs to meet yours
• Touchy-Feely
• A waste of time

Alignment is:

• Becoming aware of the gap between our beliefs, strategies and goals
• Finding shared interests or values even when our positions differ
• Standing side by side and looking together at the same goals
• Supporting each other to serve our shared interests 

The Jazz Improv metaphor:

Have you ever watched Jazz musicians jam? It is a beautiful thing.  They are listening inward to the music in their head, they are connecting to their instrument and they are listening outward to the music that is being created with their fellow musicians. Everyone seems to have a role—not always all at once, but there is a trust that their moment will come, their instrument can contribute. They are attuned to one another.

 

Think about your team. Think about your family. When you are aligned the way jazz musicians are aligned, you feel supported, you feel well-used and heard, you are at the ready to play a constructive role and to wait it out when it’s not your turn. You might be surprised at how other people do their job and you find a way to weave your approach into theirs. More often than not you have a smile on your face because this way of working and living keeps you feeling alive!

 

I know. You know. And extensive research literature proves, that teams that function this way—are more productive, satisfy their customers better and get consistently higher ratings on performance evaluations.

 

And –their heart rate is healthier, their BMI is in check and their sense of well-being is enviable. Now you know why I try to coach for alignment? 

 

It turns out that being vulnerable is hard...

Being vulnerable at work has never been an issue.

Telling people I don't know something- piece of cake. 

Letting people know I am a beginner and might get it wrong- all in a day's work. 

Admitting to fear and insecurity- de rigeur.

 

I don't know why this has been true for me. I managed to develop a set of healthy assumptions borne out by experience that people appreciate honesty. That I can ease my own anxiety when I am transparent about it. That I don't have to be an expert at everything to be good at many things.

My clients on the other hand really struggle with this. And yet they struggle even more when they try to hide the source of their vulnerability. What my clients are learning slowly, with gentle support, is that it is so much easier to come out of the closet with their shortcomings than to stuff it all into that closet and hope no-one opens it accidentally. 

A book that I have found valuable on this topic is Getting Naked by Patrick Lencioni.

 

 

How are you doing with being vulnerable?

Authentic Facade

One of the saddest things a client said to me recenty is that he has learned how to put on an authentic facade. 

It used to be his superpower. 
He listened to people. Intently.

People felt heard and valued by him.  

Then the to-do list grew. Then he had more people reporting to him. Then every encounter fet like an intrusion and an interruption. 

He is one of the lucky ones though. He knows it is a facade. He doesn't like it. 

He is working on saying no to things that don't need his attention. He is working on constructive self-talk:

Be Here Now

This conversation can make a difference

Who knows what will be possible if I can make a real connection?

How about you?

What is the facade you have erected? 

Who Is Showing Up At Your Meetings?

In trying to make sense of a recent encounter that a strong voice in me wants to label ‘failure’, I came to understand a particular internal dynamic between multiple parts of myself.  I have learned a lot and it has enabled me to move forward. One of my core beliefs is that we encounter the world through relationship including the relationship to ourselves. I hope you will find relevance here.

 

I can best let you in on my internal dynamic by personifying parts of myself. So let me tell you the story of Pearl, Miss Pearl and Mrs P.

Pearl sent an email to a woman she had just met at a conference. There was a wonderful synergy between them. It seemed as if Pearl’s approach to systems coaching was a valuable compliment to the strategy and branding work of her new contact.  Pearl was thrilled to be able to set up a meeting to talk more about working together.

As the meeting approached, Pearl found herself apprehensive but she wouldn’t let herself dwell on it too much. On the afternoon of the meeting, as Pearl started to get dressed, an odd thing happened. Pearl a 50+ year old woman with a warm smile and peaceful demeanor slipped out of view. In her place, Miss Pearl- an insecure 16 year old took over. Miss Pearl was totally focused on the externals. She dressed in her favorite white skirt and flowing purple vest. She took advantage of Pearl’s silence and put on some lipstick. She drove downtown blasting the radio anticipating a fun little walk around Soho before the meeting. She indulged her curiosity and went into the Apple store. Finally she showed up at Nespresso- an upscale European coffee “boutique”. As she waited for her contact to show up, Miss Pearl began to feel nervous.

 

“What am I doing here? Where is Pearl? I don’t know how to run this meeting. What am I supposed to say?”

This anxious self-doubt permeated the meeting. Miss Pearl talked too much. She didn’t ever really re-establish the solid connection that had originally been made. She stumbled on her words and couldn’t hold on to what she was hearing. Meanwhile- Pearl was starting to stir and take note of what was happening. Pearl knew what to do. If she had enough strength to take over she would have been honest and said something like,

“Can we start over? I just realized that I was really nervous about meeting you and I am afraid I haven’t made a very good impression. Let’s talk about what we each want to get out of this conversation and we can go from there.”

But Pearl buried her head in her hands and let poor Miss Pearl handle this alone. Somehow, Miss Pearl managed to say goodbye and get to her car. That is when Mrs. P showed up. Mrs. P wore her hair back in a stern bun, no nonsense shoes and a booming voice to match. Mrs. P was not pleased.

“Miss Pearl, what is wrong with you? I am so disappointed in you. You just squandered an incredible opportunity. Where was your passion? Your eloquence? Your capacity to connect? You are way out of your league!”

 

No Kidding.

When Pearl finally re-emerged, (and changed out of Miss Pearl’s clothes) she felt the full weight of her choice to disappear. She apologized to Miss Pearl.

“Honey, I am so sorry to have sent you out to that meeting. I chickened out and sent you instead. Of course you felt anxious! I never should have left you so exposed.”

Then Pearl needed to forgive herself. She needed to forgive herself for the fear that overtook her and the abdication that allowed her to send Miss Pearl into a world beyond her.

It was only then that Pearl was able to take a deep breath. She saw that her fears were normal. And at the same time they were a signal. If she would have allowed herself to sit with those fears for even a short while, she might have realized how to prepare for her meeting.

From now on, Miss Pearl stays home (although she might be allowed to put lipstick on Pearl occasionally!) and Pearl reconnects to the person she is at her core- One who is innately curious about others, who is willing to be vulnerable and transparent, and who cares about how people work together in organizations.

 

 

 

Expect Respect

My son will be starting as a freshmen at the University of Michigan this fall. At his orientation, he was given this pin...

 

It was attached to a bookmark with a pledge:

I will foster an environment that values our similarities and our differences

I realize there are perspectives other than my own

I will strive to be honest and respectful in all my interactions and will presume good will

I will honor this committment in my classes, my personal life, and all other pursuits on and off campus. 

I will invite others to embrace this message. 

 

What if every employer required their people from the C-Suite down to pledge this and wear this pin? 

We all might be a little healthier!

I was triggered: It was good!

I was sitting in a meeting with my teammates on a new project. Someone expressed the view that if all that we accomplished was for our target audience to "tweak" an aspect of what they were doing, that would be progress.

My heart started to race. Something was welling up from inside of me. "Tweak? We are going to be satisfied with "tweaking"? We are going to invest all this money and brainpower and be satisfied with "tweaking?" My outburst completed, I took a deep breath and sat back. 

I love this team I am on and as we continued to talk, no, none of us will be satisfied with tweaking. 

But here is the important bit: I tapped into my own passion. I was reminded of how much I care about making a difference. I reconnected to my guidepost that my work be meaningful. How I spend my time matters. That energy carried me through the rest of the day. 

This is what I love about being in relationship with others. It opens me up. It connects me to what is real. What is here. What is possible. 

 

Silo Busting--A New Olympic Sport? Should be!

This is one way you know that silos are a problem.

There are also the roadblocks you run into when you can't get the information you need. When your peer on the senior managment team tells you he will absolutely support you and then your direct reports say his people are stonewalling. 

And what about when two departments (in the same organization) are competing to get the same dollars or own the same project. 

And last but far from least there is the battle of the priorities. Who's agenda gets to the top of the list?

 

Who needs to fix this?

YOU DO.

Name it.

Name the consequences of it.

Offer to be part of the solution. 

Find the places of alignment. -What are your common interests?

Empower the leader to take this on -in public. 

 

[If you need an intervention in your organization to make this happen email me about RSI@Work. It is an outstanding silo buster and builds the skills your managers need to find alignment.]

Rejecting Gossip. Period.

Did you read this article on a recent study of Gossip published in the New York Times? There was one (and only one) thing I loved about it: A reference to the origin of the word 'gossip' as referring to "chatting with one's 'godsibs' ". 

Godsibs is about the best word ever. I am blessed with Godsibs. Dear friends with whom I feel connected at a deep, soul level. Godspeed to the godsibs. 

However...I was also deeply troubled. I could go on about almost every paragraph in the article. I won't. Allow me this:

Take this line from the article: "Gossip can be useful in maintaining social norms and keeping people in line." The expression "keeping people in line" is rooted in a vision of society that sends Orwellian shivers down my spine. 

I aspire to a world in which we give each other the benefit of the doubt, we ask each other questions directly when we are troubled by comments or behaviors, we take responsibility for our own impact on the group and we support each other to change. 

One researcher in the article was quoted as saying, "If you tell people that this person is a selfish jerk, people learn to avoid the exploitive jerk." This possibly off handed comment by an otherwise well-meaning post-doc does not let me go. Why are we calling anyone "a selfish jerk". We can describe their behavior. We can feel the horrible impact of their behavior and let them know directly or even seek out support from trusted allies. But the ease with which we might label people feels like part of the toxicity of gossip. 

Let me close with a note of optimism rooted in a story about my kids. My two boys are now 17 and 19. From the time they were in grade school, they have patently refused to talk about (gossip-if you will) other kids or teachers. I have lost count of the number of times they have shared stories of troubling moments and have skillfully eliminated any identifying information about who and often even exactly what. My probing questions elicit, "is that really important?" 

THEY ARE SO RIGHT. I don't know who to thank for their 'in the bones' assimilation of this idea. Their schools, their teachers, our Jewish tradition or some genetic transmission from an ancestor I wish I had known. I will gladly suffer the twinge of embarrassment when they raise their eyebrows at my own indiscretion. 

They are living examples what I believe in and aspire to.  

"looking for a job" = "looking for a community"

Let’s take a birds-eye view of a job interview. Marion, the employer, is interviewing Patricia, the applicant, for a senior role in an organization.

Marion is looking for experience and competence. She is looking for someone she can manage. She is looking for loyalty and professionalism. Her questions are designed to assess how much Patricia understands about the work. She tells Patricia what the job entails. She clarifies the salary range and vacation time. She engages is some personal small talk to get a feel for the applicant’s personality.

 

Patricia needs a job. She is pretty smart and she reads Marion well. She knows how to present herself in a positive light. She is articulate and asks reasonable questions about the role that indicates she understands something about what is required.  She is ready with her strengths and challenges.

 

Fast-forward 8 months. Marion is unhappy with Patricia’s performance. Patricia has started sending out her resume. This was a mistake.  

 

What if at the start the employer and applicant talked about these questions:

 

• Let’ talk about what it is possible for you to become here…

Can you tell me more about prospects for my own professional development? 

 

• Let me tell you what we are about here. We have a community with a set of values. Let’s talk about some of them and how they show up

What are the core values that guide the way you work here? Can you give me some examples?  

 

• If you join us, we believe that you can make a difference in some important ways. Let me describe what I mean….

It is important to me to add value and make a positive difference in my work. Can you tell me if and how that might be possible here? 

  

We can no longer pretend- yes even in this economy- that a senior staff member of an organization can thrive and contribute in an environment in which meaning and purpose are off the table. We need to consciously construct our work culture with attention to both heart and mind. We need to see our workplaces as communities in which relationship and integrity are paramount.

If you feel this void as you look at your own workplace-- even if you are not at the top of your organization – start agitating for change. Starting talking about what matters. Start living the reality you want to inhabit.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Things We Know When We Are 5 years old

My niece asked her Dad if everyone has to have a child. Her Dad told her that there were only two things you could count on for certain: You have to pay taxes and you have to die eventually. 

 

My niece quickly added,

"No, you're wrong daddy. There are 3 things. You make your own choices.:

Did I know this when I was 5? 

Note to self: Listen to the little ones....they will remind us of the wisdom we lost along the way. 

WORDS MATTER

Two people. Two soulful people. Two passionate people.

Two people who make a living by giving to others in deep and impactful ways.

Two people with integrity.

 

• One is frustrated because of a boss who is not leading with integrity and vision. He opened up a difficult conversation with this boss. He tried to work it through. He said things like, “You never…” “Why can’t you…?”

[This is blaming language. It leads to defensiveness or stonewalling. It escalates.]

 

• The other is frustrated because a program near and dear to her heart could get cut by the powers that be. She felt she couldn’t approach the powers so she wrote a cathartic letter to her colleagues who shared her view and blasted the leaders who didn’t.

[This is passive aggressive. This creates festering wounds inside of an organization. This is actually contemptuous.]

 

 One of my core values is that WORDS MATTER.

The words we use can create and destroy. How we speak shapes who we are and how we share meaning. When we speak from the heart we all change. We need to make room for multiple voices: those inside of us and those around us. 

My people were speaking from their frustration. From their sense of powerlessness. From their head actually disconnected from their heart. When I redirected them to their heart (and taught them a few key communication tips) the one was able to have a new kind of conversation with his boss and the other mustered the courage to speak directly and constructively to the powers that be.

 

Two lessons for me:

1)      Being human (even the best of humans) means coming face to face with emotions that are not always pretty. And so often, especially when we are good people, we hide those emotions --from ourselves. Until they leak out. Until they show up in our words.

 2)      The only way out is through—our feelings. And we need to vent and let ourselves have our tantrums and our rants. And then we need to take a deep breath and ask ourselves, “What is the conversation I need to have now? With Whom? How can I speak from my heart and be heard?” 

 

I don’t micro-manage…!

Is this you? Do you take pride in this fact? You probably had a boss who micro-managed you and you vowed never to do that to your people. 25 years ago, I worked for an incredibly visionary leader to whom my highest praise was, “You gave me enough rope to swing on but not enough on which to hang myself.” None of us want to feel the boss breathing down our neck and judging us at every turn.

 

However… (you knew that was coming). Ask yourself honestly if any of the following might also be true:

 

• You play traffic cop often- your people come to you with questions about priorities and workload management
• You spend a lot of time resolving conflicts and disputes between your people
• People are confused about their role or responsibility
• Your team is totally aligned with each other- in their concerns about you

 

A successful team leader does not micro-manage. You are right. But if the sum total of your success is based on what you don’t do….well—you know it is not enough.

 

A successful team leader actively builds the collective capacity of the team

 

A few more questions:

 

1.  Do you regularly bring your people together to take the pulse of the group as a whole? To think together?
2. Do you have agreed upon ways of working and acknowledged strategies for when things don’t work?
3. Do you have protocols for handling conflict?
4. Do you have tools for creating alignment among the group?

If you answered no to any of these, or if you are not sure what I am talking about the email me. Today’s leaders need to be able to form teams that are inspired, resilient, and collaborative and results oriented.

 

Don’t you want to be one?

 

 

 

Workplace Smog

One of the first things I learned in graduate school was how to pare down my tortured verbiage into writing that was crisp and lean.

 

One of the first things I learned as a coach was how to ask short questions that get to the essence.

 

One of the things I have found refreshing about watching Suits (my son corralled me!) is the brutally honest way that Harvey and Mike talk to each other.

 

Now that the fog of cigarette smoke has cleared from most office buildings we can see the smog of too much unproductive talk! The workplace is choking on too much CYA talk, too much political maneuvering, excessive emails and CC’s that seek to prove and protect. Even when people walk into each other’s offices, they are jockeying, they are second-guessing, and they are off loading. More often people are grousing in loud whispers and throwing up their hands.

Can you imagine a workplace where…

• your co-workers say what they think (respectfully) and you don’t have to watch your back?
• you know you can work through conflict with agreed upon protocols?
• the collective wisdom of a group can prevail over a loud or powerful voice?
• people take personal responsibility and feel accountable to the group?

 

I CAN! I know what is possible when people develop relationship systems intelligence. My work now is totally dedicated to getting organizations to clear the air and talk about what matters. Clearly. Directly.

 

NOTE: I have recently become one of only 5 US licensed coaches to deliver a cutting edge program for managers that will change the way you lead and change the way you work. Ready to clear the air? Email me….

 

 

I'm Fine,Thanks

I just pledged to support this project which has me jazzed up. Looks like they set out to inspire us all to a life I believe in. Watch it and pledge?

 

On Demand?

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We are only a mouse click away from watching almost any movie or TV show we desire. A few clicks away from downloading the songs we want to hear. Latest bestseller? Reading it on my screen. Headline news? It's streaming as we speak.  A slide and a click and we can place ourselves anywhere in the universe and find out how to get from here to there. If you are online I can ping you or skype you or chat with you. If not, I can text you or BBM you. I can write and post instantaneously in more places than I dare know about it. 

Exhausted yet?

It is no wonder that deep contemplation, days (or years) of noodling an idea, long uninterrupted conversations about things that matter, writing and editing (and editing) all feel a little counter cultural. 

I haven't posted on this blog for several months. They have been deeply generative months. I took time for private journaling and guided meditations. I consciously chose not to distract myself with social media and even good old fashioned print media. My reading on line and off was kept to a minimum. I stayed very present to the deepest, truest voices in me and to connecting with the people around me--in real life. 

I have been blessed to experience the essence of one of my favorite quotes by A.J. Heschel:

"Every person is a reminder of God."

 

 

Outrage: Who are we becoming?

There is a special woman I have come to know and love who lives in Ohio. From the first, her soul touched me. She inspires me with her writing and with her life. Her son is a junior at Princeton. He was visiting a friend at Bowling Green State University. This morning I woke up to this post of hers on Facebook. 

My son Mandela was wrongfully arrested and incarcerated last night while sitting on a porch drinking water waiting for his friends to arrive. When he saw the police, he got up and entered his friends' house and called her. She immediately called the police and asked what the problem was. They said "A black male is on your property." She assured them that he was their guest. She told Mandela to go back out on the porch and tell them he was a guest. When he went out the door, they yanked him out the door, handcuffed him and arrested him for "obstruction of justice." He was stripped, showered and put in an orange jumper. It took him 8 hours to get in touch with any of his family. He is traumatized and violated. We are all extremely upset.

There were over 50 comments. Expressions of love and sadness and anger. And then this post: 

We are heavy hearted tonight, and Mandela is feeling unsafe to drive alone at night in this moment. A post-traumatic stress reaction. Prayers please. Thank you for your loving and outraged responses. We do have a civil rights lawyer looking in on this as well as calls to ACLU and NAACP (thanks to uncle Jeremy) and a lot of other excellent advice, but it doesn't stop the hurt we're feeling or change what happened. We're not clear yet what will ever make this right.

I keep thinking 

We are all extremely upset. About the 8 hours. Was there n humanity in any of the people who came into contact with Mandela to connect with him long enough to realize what a mistake they were making? Did no one ask a question to which they really listened to the answer? How dehumanized have the police, have we become?

They deprived him of his rights but they can never take his dignity!

A Coach in Your Pocket

A smart creative woman and author, Suzyn Jackson, reviewed our recent eBook, Conversations for Making Moments Matter. We are grateful! If you were on the fence about getting it...read this first. 

Here is the lnik to her site...

http://suzynjgonzalez.com/2012/03/21/making-moments-matter-a-guide-to-conversations

 

Wake Up & Wander into New Territory

   

 

Head on over to Story Charmer and take a hot drink with you. I am kicking off Pema Teeter’s Spring series on waking up and shaking up our thoughts and our actions.

 

I explore the question of what success really is and how to help people start relying on each other in ways that might put me out of business.

 

There are a wonderful set of comments already that have given me lots of food for thought.

Add yours!

See you over there…

 

Are you? Were You? Will you be?

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Married… that is! I have been eagerly awaiting the publication of Going Home Married: How to Plan a Meaningful Wedding Without Losing Your Mind by Suzyn Jackson Gonzalez.

 

Suzyn is a talented writer with a down home sense of humor so I knew I would laugh. (I did).  I also knew she was wise beyond her years and I would learn from this book. (I did).

 

What I had not realized is that even without the years of training I have put in, she gets relationships and how to create meaning- in her bones.

 

What I love about this book (even though there is no immediate use for me- 21 years and counting thank you very much!) is that it gets at the core of what is important.

 

Suzyn gets right to the point- It is not about the magazine driven mayhem that wedding planning has become. It is about you and your partner. It is about building a life and setting the tone for how that life together will begin.

 

The book is content rich AND a workbook. And because the questions Suzyn asks are so fundamental and important- it is more than a workbook. It becomes a repository for your (you & your partner’s)  most heartfelt dreams and closely held values.

 

The beautiful cover ensures this will be a keepsake that stays with the wedding album and will be pored over for years to come.[[posterous-content:pid___0]] 

Oops—wrong road

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Have you ever had this experience?

 

You are hiking on a path you have never explored before and you are no longer sure you are following the right signs. Yet there is power in the forward progress so you keep going-resolutely- and the further you go the more you realize you are no longer so comfortable with your surroundings.

It is a little too quiet, you stretch the definition of a “path” to include space between two overgrown roots…and hey, you are an adventurer; the journey is the reward, right? But you are also quite alone.

So you turn back. There is a sense of defeat yet after some time, as fellow hikers come into view you realize how much you have missed the camaraderie and the relief that comes with receiving help.

You are part of a community of hikers. 

What is your hike about?

 

I HAVE GIFTS TO GIVE

givemore_purpleonwhite-declaration-digital.pdf Download this file

Patience

"It is only after we kindle the light in the words that we are able to behold the riches they contain. It is only after we arrive within a word that we become aware of the riches our own souls contain."

A.J. Heschel in Man's Quest for God

 

I am on my own quest to learn how to do this. My experiment so far...

I am taking the word PATIENCE and have started to light the word with the candle of my attention. When am I patient? When am I impatient? When do I give in to my impatience? What relationships help me cultivate patience? How am I patient with myself? When does that serve me? 

 

I am learning that PATIENCE is indeed laden with riches. And there are links to other words. Permission. Allow. Need. Love.

 

I arrive within PATIENCE by giving it form and substance. By practicing patience with my full awareness. I notice an urge to get up for a snack. I wait. I feel no hunger. Only a growing awareness of wanting to be distracted. I allow the need for distraction to percolate. There are emotions bubbling up. There is fear there. There is longing. There is even laughter. 

And so it goes. A slow dawning awareness of what is real and sacred within me 

If this quote holds you in its hands and looks deeply into your eyes then please, tell me what you see? 

Slow & Small

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I was part of a conversation with Peter Block yesterday with my system coaching colleagues from CRR Global. I was already a huge fan. I became a bigger one. He doesn't just walk his talk he lives and breathes it. 

 

"The world is committed to speed and scale. But we go slow and small and are committed to relationship...we create sacred space in secular settings." 

 

There were many more profound things spoken in this conversation. But these words lodged in my heart. It speaks to why I do what I do. And why it can feel like a struggle sometimes. In the part of the world I inhabit, the workplace is shaking from exhaustion and nervous energy. Human relationships are a means to an end. People are valued for what they produce. Meetings are a waste if they don't result in a result I can use to perform better. 

In all my team coaching sessions, there is always a moment when humanity breaks through. When eyes lock or hearts are moved. Suddenly there is silence born of awe. It is so rare.

 

And it changes everything.

 

 

My Journals Are Trash

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"YOU DID WHAT?!"

"I threw out all my work journals from the past 6 years."

"ARE YOU FEELING OKAY? ARE YOU HAVING SOME KIND OF ATTACK?"

"I am feeling wonderful, thank you. Light headed and light hearted. Really."

--------

So began a conversation with YDKASHOTE [aka "You Don't Know Anything So Hold On To Everything".] I call her KASH for short. KASH was hyperventilating as she watched me flip through these journals and toss them in the trash. KASH wanted to make me feel small and kept pressing me to reread these journals so that I wouldn't forget what I needed to know. She watched me sadly as I started my coaching calls thinking that of course I would fail my clients because I hadn't read the journals! 

I, on the other hand, was surprisingly calm. Oh I knew where she was coming from. She and I go back a long way. Probably to my high school days. And yet, as I turned the pages and read my notes, I became increasingly convinced that I had integrated what I needed to know and the rest was filler. 

I was reminded of the word for "stuff" or material things in Hebrew: Chomer. [חומר] It is also the same root as the word for donkey: Chamor. A beast of burden. And that is what these journals had become for me. A burden.

Somewhere along the way, I had developed a mistaken idea. I thought the journals were a product, a necessary commodity for my professional development. Instead, what I now understand is that they were important for the process they enabled. They helped me clarify my thoughts, organize what I was learning. Slow down. 

My journals are a pathway from where I am now to where I am going. Old journals are like outdated maps. They no longer serve to orient me. 

I will continue to keep journals, as I will continue to forge new paths. And I will ease my burden along the way.

How do you use your journals?

 

 

 

PLAY

Seriously..

 

<p>Trailer - SERIOUSLY! The Future depends on play from Gwen Gordon on Vimeo.</p>

 

FLOW

Sometimes all you need is a small opening....

Is Advise a Vice?

ad·vice/ədˈvīs/ 

Noun:

Guidance or recommendations concerning prudent future action, typically given by someone regarded as knowledgeable or authoritative. Information; news.

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I had three recent experiences that sensitized me again to how cautious we need to be about advice. 

• On a team call whose purpose was to help resolve one member's dilemma, advice is given ("you really shouldn't....") and the response is defensive. ("yes but....)

You might think the only issue here is that the response was defensive since the call was designed to help the person with the dilemma. But what is helpful? I find that asking questions that help clarify the issues is far more effective in the long run than offering a solution. Even if it is a solution that comes from years of your experience. Even if it is a solution that is wise. It is not always going to be easy for me to hear it, let alone implement it. Powerful questions and examples of your own experience (minus the directive) can go a long way. 

• In a team coaching context teammates are acknowledging each other for commitments honored. (You are... and you should keep on..")

The feeling in the room was positive and appreciative. And as requested, the acknowledgements were specific. But what struck me is the way that second-person speech, "you are delegating more often now..." sounds like the speaker is standing in judgment from a few rungs up the ladder of accomplishment. Contrast that with speaking in the first person about the impact on me when you honored your commitment. ("I was able to accomplish so much more when I knew you were going to be accountable for your tasks."

• A coach (yes-me!) gets overly passionate about a topic she knows a lot about and tells her client what he should do...

If you have worked with a coach, you might be sensitized to the fact that a coach doesn't usually tell her client what to do. This holds true for managers and leaders who want to coach with their employees, too. Usually I ask permission. I might tell a client I have some experience with a topic, and to let me know if and when s/he wants to me to share what I know. Anything else is a not only a self-management issue for the coach it is a power grab that takes attention away from the person trying to make sense of an issue for themselves. It builds dependency and undermines what we want- a professional who is building the problem solving muscle for themselves. 

 

 

It [excellent advice] is a good deal like giving a child a dictionary to learn a language with —Henry James