Who Is Getting Your Attention?

I recently finished reading The Power of Story by Jim Loehr. If you find that you are tired of hearing yourself explain your life with the same stories or you notice persistent patterns of not feeling engaged or inspired by the way you are living your life—this is a book to read.

This month, I want to share a small excerpt from the book on a topic I feel passionate about: making sacred connections with others. (Yes, I used the word sacred. Yes I do know it is not generally used in professional settings.)

Watch this 2 min. clip before reading on:


Apparently Loehr often shows the original full clip of the show (which featured the child, Jeff Erlanger), to his workshop participants because of, “Mr. Rogers’ extraordinary gift for engagement—for how he can make the small space, the eighteen to twenty four inches, between him and the little boy as sacred as a shrine...”

Loehr continues:

Who in your life do you give that kind of attention to? At least some of the time? Who gets that eighteen inches of close-up intensity? What gets you to focus with that level of commitment, of reverence for the moment? Is there someone or something in your life so sacred that nothing and no one- not ringing phones, not errands, not ballgames in progress, not the news crawl at the bottom of the screen or the one always running through your head, not money or career concerns, not insignificant noises or images whizzing by—could possibly break your concentration? ...that’s a kind of focus we so rarely give to things now. Why is that?

What’s the story we tell ourselves that prevents this from happening? Is our lack of full engagement just a stage in our life that will pass someday? Or is the story that life in the 21st century is too complicated? Or has it always been like this? Do we assert that technology is the culprit? Or do we blame the competitiveness of an increasingly global marketplace? Is our story that multi-tasking is necessary as never before?...Is our somewhat diluted attention really that big a deal? Absolutely. Because it’s not about time. It never was and never is. It’s about energy.

As you read this, I will be packing for cherished vacation time with my family. Of course Loehr’s message is meant for me as much as for any of you. I continue to strive for living the story of sacred connection—join me?

Transformative Mediation

Dear PS readers,
I am so pleased to introduce you to Eyal Rabinovitch, a gifted client of mine with much to offer. In this month’s PS, Eyal helps us understand what transformative mediation can do. Also, I was just featured in a new e-book that shares 26 stories from women entrepreneurs. I thought you might be interested in reading the series. Here’s the link. Talk to you in 2010!




In spite of all the resources out there designed to help co-workers have difficult conversations, many of us still struggle with open, direct communication in the workplace. Whether it’s because of personalities or just the conditions of the moment, sometimes the face-to-face conversation is the most dreaded moment of the day. Whether we avoid it or we suffer through it, our work and our well-being can often suffer.

With this in mind, I offer ‘everyday mediations’ for the workplace—to support those conversations that need to happen, but might be hard to have. Though mediation is typically associated with lawsuits and formal complaints, some of its methods are ideal for supporting difficult conversations in any context. Having trained in a variety of forms of mediation and dialogue facilitation, I find the methods of transformative mediation uniquely suited to help people simultaneously work through the conflicts or decisions at hand and improve the quality of their interactions going forward.

A Little Background


Transformative mediation emerged in 1995 with the publication of Robert Bush and Joe Folger’s The Promise of Mediation. They argued that mediators too often get caught up in trying to broker a deal between parties, manipulating the process or the people involved to get to settlements. But the “promise” of mediation, they argued, is that mediators can help support people’s efforts to get through difficult conversations entirely on their own accord, and in the process transform the way they interact with one another for the future.


The Basic Framework

Transformative methodology starts with a simple yet profound set of assumptions that can be summed up as follows:

Conflicted interactions produce a cycle of degeneration that makes us feel increasingly powerless and disconnected from others

We dislike that state of being, so much so that our primary reason for seeking help is usually to escape the frustration, rather than reach an agreement

Given the opportunity, we have both the will and the internal resources to shift away from the degenerative conflict cycle toward greater empowerment and recognition of others

The role of the mediator is to support opportunities for people to make such shifts

This leads to a simple set of techniques for the mediator, who:

Reflects and summarizes what the parties say so that they are certain that they are expressing themselves as they wish

Clearly identifies the similarities and differences that exist between the parties—both in terms of the content of the conversation and how they are communicating to each other

Highlights and clarifies the choices and decisions available to everyone present

Checks in with parties to ensure that they are OK with the conversation that is unfolding

Cultivating Positive Shifts

When I mediate this way, I support people’s safety and confidence to speak and listen. In other words, I enable parties to have the conversation that they truly wish to have. If I do my job right, parties will either find genuinely acceptable terms of resolution or clarify and state openly to each other that resolution is not their best option. Because I am not fixated on getting parties to agree but rather provide the space for them to speak for themselves, they will very likely have improved the nature of their communication from one that is frustrating and unproductive toward one that is clear, efficient, and empowering. Perhaps most surprisingly, studies show that transformative meditations reach agreement nearly as often as more coercive methods.

When you provide such third party support for getting through complex or tense interactions, you go beyond the typical training or reading material by offering immediate, results-oriented help. You lay down the foundation for more collaborative, enjoyable relationships between colleagues. At the same time, you affirm a commitment to respect all voices and support everyone’s ability to work together, contributing to a workplace culture that values both autonomy and mutuality.

You can find out more about Eyal and transformative mediation here…

Be Silent

I am sitting in my very silent house thinking about the pros and cons of silence. Have you ever had a conversation with someone plugged into their iPod who graciously pulls out one earphone to talk to you?! As much as I love music and cozy chats with friends, I find I truly cherish silence. The absence of vibrations traveling through air creates an opportunity to turn inward. Suddenly I tune into the symphony (or cacophony) that has been running inside of me. Focusing my attention on that internal world always yields something worth exploring.

In relationships, silence often creates discomfort. I recently read a terrific piece on 8 Types of Silence. In it, Eric Klein tries to characterize the hidden possibilities behind silence and makes suggestions for what you can do about it. It is clever and perceptive and useful. And silence isn’t always a problem to be solved. I want to put in a plug for actively creating silence.

Simply put: TAKE TIME TO BE SILENT

So really that is it—the request, the experiment I really think you should try.

Try this: In a meeting, as you get ready to launch into an agenda item, tell people you will give them 2 minutes of silence to collect their thoughts and reflect on the issue at hand.

Or this: When you are at an impasse or in a heated moment in a conversation or meeting, create a silent time-out for people to collect their thoughts.

Or even this: rather than setting up a meeting to have tea or coffee in a loud and crowded place, schedule a walk in a park or through a museum—allow for comfortable silences to take in your surroundings.

And finally this: As you move from one thing in your calendar to the next, stop for 60 seconds of silence. Quiet your surroundings and just tune in to whatever is there.

A note about balance:
Even though most people would hear only noise and confusion, as a former teacher, I know well the joy of a class of 30 students talking with each other busy at a task that engages them. Talking and sometime even noise can be really valuable. I just think the balance has tipped too far today and it is harder to be silent. For most us adults—we seem to need permission.

So, guess what? Permission granted!

Who is Pushing Your Buttons

Julie has an employee who ‘kills her with kindnesses.’ This employee is cloyingly sweet, gives Julie little gifts, compliments her and enthusiastically agrees with everything Julie says or does. Julie finds herself responding harshly to this employee, avoiding her and finally withdrawing trust. Julie is not proud of this response and senses there is an irrational element to it

Is there someone at work or in some other aspect of your life who consistently provokes you? You know it is not rational and yet when you encounter this person, you find your equanimity goes out the window? Maybe you respond with undue harshness; maybe you retreat. On a good day it is mildly annoying. On a bad day, you come home with your heart still racing and you feel a little out of control. So what is going on?

Let me offer you two theories and a strategy.

Theory 1:
We all have multiple internal ‘selves.’ There is the controller who sees what behavior is rewarded and tries to keep us on a steady path that will rock no boats. There is the pusher egging us on to be ever more productive. Some of us have an active perfectionist with little tolerance for our mistakes. There is the obedient person we were raised to believe we should be. There is the vulnerable child who guards the entrance to our most intimate self. The possibilities are endless. With these, we also have a host of selves whom we have disowned along the way. Our life circumstances will play a big role in determining which selves we disown. Some of us have disowned our aggressive selves, others have disowned the pleaser. Other disowned selves might be the lazy beach bum, the powerful self or the intuitive sensitive self. According to Hal Stone & Sidra Winkelman, when we remain unaware of these disowned selves, they come back at us in the people we encounter. In their words:

So long as a self is disowned within us, we will continue to repeatedly attract that particular energy in our life. The universe will bring us the people we judge, hate, and resent over and over again until we finally get the message that they are reflections of that which is disowned in us. (In Embracing Each Other)

Theory 2:We all have a divinely inspired inclination to treat others with humanity and dignity. And we all fail to heed that inclination at times. It can be hard to see ourselves honestly and confront our selfish or lazy or fearful reactions. In response, we begin to rationalize our behavior. Maybe we didn’t act on our instinct to acknowledge the role of an employee in a timely fashion. Having let the opportunity pass, we are uneasy. So we begin to find reasons that would explain our behavior. After all, he didn’t really do it alone. Or, sure he got it done in a timely fashion but he probably is hoping this will give him leverage to ask for that extra vacation time I know he has wanted. This theory is best explained in the book Leadership & Self Deception.


A Strategy:
Think about a time when you were triggered by someone in your life. How did you react? What were the feelings associated with that moment? Now imagine that those reactions actually belong to one of your inner selves. You can detach from this self and look at him (or her) objectively—from the vantage point of your mature, adult self. Consider the possibility that this triggered self actually shows up out of concern for you.

Who is this self that is being triggered?
How old would you say s/he is?
What is s/he concerned about and what does s/he want for you?
Or perhaps, what is s/he trying to protect you from?

The problem is that while your triggered self means well, s/he is not very effective. You are going to need to renegotiate your relationship with this self so that you can respond to these circumstances in a way that honors the mature adult you are. What do you need to communicate to this triggered self? Do you need to express compassion for the concerns of this triggered self? Is there a role you have been neglecting that you need to take back?

Let’s return to Julie:

When she considers who is being triggered, she envisions herself at about 10 years old. This 10 year old self had a pretty upsetting experience with a supposed best friend who ultimately betrayed her. She is committed to not letting Julie get hurt again and is very wary of any kindness. Julie begins to empathize with this 10 year old self. She lets her know that she understands exactly how frightening it can be to be betrayed. And Julie reassures her that she has learned a lot in the intervening years. She has a strong support network and is a valued professional. Julie would like to handle her relationship with this employee differently. Perhaps taking some time to get to know her better and make better sense of her behavior. Next time Julie is triggered by this employee she takes a deep breath, whispers internally to her 10 year old self that she can handle this, and tries a new approach.

How about you?

How can I be of service?

As in a fairy tale, I encountered an idea 3 times in recent days. The message is certainly meant for me and it seemed like you might find value as well.

Most mornings, @Jonathan Fields first tweet of the day is “Who can I help today?” I love this way he has of greeting his community of followers.


I just read a parable on servant leadership in which the author states that a leader is someone who identifies and meets the legitimate needs of her people, and removes all the barriers so her employees can serve the customer.

And then a serendipitous click led me to Diego Rodriguez’s blog in which he outlines 21 innovation principles. Behold, in principle #12 he compares leadership to cultivation. Cultivators of actual gardens resist the temptation to keep digging up the seeds to check on progress, and are satisfied with supplying needed resources like food and water. So too leaders can rely on their people to let them know what they need to thrive and create and make it their business to supply them with it.

So let me first tell you about a very personal application of this idea. Our 16 year old son returned home this week from a 6 week program abroad. I am acutely aware that he still has two hefty novels to read for school, a comparative essay to write and a driver’s license exam to study for. It is so tempting to ‘demand and command’ and then hover to ensure that he meets his obligations. And yet, mom-as-service-provider is really the way to go. I love the idea of starting our mornings with the question (okay—his morning starts about half a day later than mine!), “How can I be of service today?” It might mean ensuring there is enough food in the refrigerator. It might mean giving him some breathing room. He will know; I will trust him.

And then there are those of you who are leading organizations, or running businesses or coaching clients. What would it feel like to truly trust your people, and let them tell you how to serve them? I offer a few ground rules for service and would love to know what you would add.

1) Get to know your people
A good gardener tests the soil, and learns about the seeds she plants. A gardener has a relationship with her garden. What is the nature of your relationships at work? If it is limited to one or two dimensions, you may need to deepen your understanding.

2) Scan the environment for opportunity
A gardener has to work with nature: bees, rain, wind, rodents. What internal and external factors can you harness to benefit your people? What do you need to do to protect them so they can work to their full potential? What do you need to expose them to?

3) Plan for surprise
Even when you follow all the rules, some plants surprise you with unexpected colors, growth patterns and hardiness. Others fail to thrive despite your best efforts. When you allow for your people to surprise you, you pave the way for a good laugh, and a healthy does of humility. In contrast, when there is no room for surprise, there is no room for failure—and that is a hard place for anyone to be.

Big Leaps and Safe Landings: A Change Process That Really Works

A leadership team comes together to explore how to fulfill a particular aspect of their mission in which they consistently fall short.

A couple who has been together for many years want to start building a life together and seem unable to make the commitment.

An over-extended leader needs to take better care of herself, and see her way clear to doing things differently.

An early childhood school principal wants to spend more time developing her staff and it is not happening.

These are actual client issues that I have been coaching this past month. While they each represent different challenges, the same process ultimately moved them into productive action. I took a course with Bob Kegan and Lisa Lahey, over 20 years ago and have been “playing” with their powerful model ever since. Only after reading their most recent book, Immunity to Change, am I consistently able to help my clients generate powerful results; Even if you don’t read the rest of this newsletter—order the book now and read it. It is plainly written (no academic jargon here) and full of wonderful, revealing examples from large and small organizations, for-profit and educational institutions.

I can’t summarize a 320 page tour de force in less than 500 words. And I want you to get a glimpse into what this process is all about. First let me tell you what it isn’t:

It isn’t a rigid behavior modification plan
It isn’t a vehicle for identifying fatal flaws in need of purging
It isn’t a quick fix (e.g. 3 steps to success in work and life)

At its core is a 4 staged exploration aimed at surfacing a way of thinking that keeps us immune to the change we seek. In the words of the authors:

“We use the medical metaphor of immunity quite mindfully to signal that, first of all, this phenomenon is not in itself a bad thing... Every immunity to change can be seen as an asset and a source of strength for that person... However, in some instances an immune system can threaten our continued good health…In these instances the immune system is no less focused on protecting us. It is just making a mistake. ...It does not understand that ironically, in working to protect us, it is actually putting us at serious risk.”

Here is how it works using a pretty common but benign example:

Stage one: There is something that you want to accomplish. You get really clear about what that is. Let’s say you want to drop 20 pounds.

Stage two: You identify all of the things you are both doing (and not doing) that run contrary to achieving that goal. (This is where you are saying to yourself, great, so isn’t the solution to just change these behaviors and you’ll get to your goal? Of course. The thing is, if it were that simple, you would have done that already. If you stopped eating dessert and started exercising that would take you far right? So how come you are not doing that? OK...read on.)

Stage three: You ask yourself, if I were to change the obstructive behaviors I just identified, what am I afraid of? Whatever answer you come up with is a clue to a competing goal or commitment that you have. (e.g. you are committed to being successful at work—afraid that taking time to exercise could cut into time you should be working!)

Stage four: You look at your competing commitment and begin to identify beliefs and assumptions that fuel that commitment. So perhaps you believe that the only way to succeed at work is to put in more time. Or perhaps you believe that the only way to lose weight with exercise is to work out for over an hour each day.

The key to change starts with this last stage. Once you identify your beliefs, you test them. You start slowly with low risk experiments and build in opportunities to re-evaluate the assumption. The book has extensive examples and suggestions for how to do this effectively. The task is NOT to create instant change but to test the assumptions that are making change impossible! Of course, “the proof of the pudding is in the eating.”

When my clients have worked through this process with their issues, they have found that a deep exploration at each stage takes them to core beliefs and meaningful realizations about what is important to them, and what they are afraid of. Sometimes, this alone can be transformative. And when teams or couples first explore their personal immunity map to an unresolved issue and then look at the collective dynamics at play, it makes for a powerfully committed pathway forward to resolution.

Why do I love this model? (Other than that it works, of course!)

It takes you to a new place and a new way of understanding a problem
It acknowledges that you are more than your mind-it engages mind, heart & soul
It supports a process and develops the disposition for ongoing learning
Want to try this for yourself?

Read the book
Contact me to talk abut coaching with this model
Attend a workshop

When a slow burn is a good thing...

Have you tried using one of the new energy saving light bulbs yet? I did and here is what happened. I put it in the fixture above my desk. I turned the light on and it was SO dim. I thought, “I can’t work like this! I want to save energy but come on...” So I switched it out with a regular bulb and put this one in a different fixture in my office. The next day I turned the light on and began working. I left the room to get something and when I came back I noticed that the energy saving light bulb was burning bright—brighter than the one above my desk. Huh? Is there something wrong with the electrical wiring above my desk, I wondered? So one more time I put the energy saving light bulb in the fixture above my desk. No go. Still dim. Back it went in the other fixture. Over the next few days I started watching this energy saving fixture and here is what I discovered. When I turn the electricity on, the bulb starts out very dim. Slowly, its illumination intensifies and ultimately burns brighter than the regular bulbs.

A few days later my husband forwarded an e-mail to me about how to save gas. The energy-saving tip explained that when you accelerate after being at a full stop, you should do so slowly, easing your foot on the gas with minimal pressure and let the car’s engine kick into gear.

The energy saving metaphor is an apt one for my life. While I have been toying with what it looks like to move at a slightly slower pace, I have been plagued with concerns about productivity and accountability. What these experiences are telling me, though, is that a slow paced start doesn’t ultimately diminish the light or slow the pace. In fact, arguably, it enables brighter more sustained activity.

So the light bulb in my office is now my guide. I start my day at a slower pace. I give myself a chance to get grounded, warm up and move into my day with full confidence that this is my best chance for meeting my day with the energy it deserves. This slower acceleration actually helps me tap into a deeper energy than I might otherwise access.

Will you join me? Where will you choose to slow down?