Are we too protective?

The outside in…

The senior leadership team is in their monthly meeting. As we zoom in, we watch as one member consistently puts her points forward in self-assured declarative statements. She tells you why she is right. She reminds you of her prior experience that puts her in a unique position to know. She lays out a pretty thoughtful plan. She hasn’t expressed any doubt, asked any questions (that she doesn’t already know the answer to). The people around the table know to expect this and they tolerate it because, actually, she is right a lot of the time. The team leader is internally scratching his head because he knows that important conversations are being shut down as a result of this dynamic.

 

The inside out….

Over the years, our life experiences act like irritations in the mollusk shell and we slowly coat ourselves with the nacre that protects our vulnerabilities. Layer after layer, year after year, we feel more protected, more girded against the many ways in which life can touch our soft spots and make us feel unsafe. And like the nacre, we start to see the beauty in that protection. We become resilient. Those coatings stop serving as a protection and start to define who we are. We would sooner lose our nacre than walk outside naked. Eventually, others never really get to see who we are in all our humanity, we sacrifice intimacy and connection. And sometimes, we even forget to set aside the shell when we are alone.

 

What if I told you the woman in the team meeting has always been under-estimated. Her gender or her color or her accent has triggered more biased events than she cares to recall. Her nacre is pride. It is proving. It is aggressive self-promotion.

 

The way forward…

The woman is trapped in her protection. She is so worried that she will be viewed negatively that she is missing how she is actually being perceived.

Her work is to start to crack her shell just enough that she can look inside.

Her work is to allow herself to feel vulnerable occasionally and understand she won’t fall apart.

Her work is to eventually risk sharing that vulnerability. It might look like saying, “I don’t know” occasionally. It might look like holding her tongue even when she thinks she should speak. It might mean taking a risk and asking for feedback from her colleagues on how she could improve their working relationship. 

Are you on that team?

What is your work?

 

"Alignment"- All Jazzed Up

I have been simplifying and clarifying in all aspects of my life and that includes a redesign of my website. I am trying to move away even more from words that sound canned or jargony. I want you to connect to what I am saying and offering without rolling your eyes or having to scratch your head.

 

I realized that I use the word “alignment” a lot. I may find an alternative. In the meantime, I thought it might be worthwhile exploring what that means and why I see it as a value for my clients.

Alignment is not: 

• Total agreement
• Sublimating my needs to meet yours
• Touchy-Feely
• A waste of time

Alignment is:

• Becoming aware of the gap between our beliefs, strategies and goals
• Finding shared interests or values even when our positions differ
• Standing side by side and looking together at the same goals
• Supporting each other to serve our shared interests 

The Jazz Improv metaphor:

Have you ever watched Jazz musicians jam? It is a beautiful thing.  They are listening inward to the music in their head, they are connecting to their instrument and they are listening outward to the music that is being created with their fellow musicians. Everyone seems to have a role—not always all at once, but there is a trust that their moment will come, their instrument can contribute. They are attuned to one another.

 

Think about your team. Think about your family. When you are aligned the way jazz musicians are aligned, you feel supported, you feel well-used and heard, you are at the ready to play a constructive role and to wait it out when it’s not your turn. You might be surprised at how other people do their job and you find a way to weave your approach into theirs. More often than not you have a smile on your face because this way of working and living keeps you feeling alive!

 

I know. You know. And extensive research literature proves, that teams that function this way—are more productive, satisfy their customers better and get consistently higher ratings on performance evaluations.

 

And –their heart rate is healthier, their BMI is in check and their sense of well-being is enviable. Now you know why I try to coach for alignment? 

 

I was triggered: It was good!

I was sitting in a meeting with my teammates on a new project. Someone expressed the view that if all that we accomplished was for our target audience to "tweak" an aspect of what they were doing, that would be progress.

My heart started to race. Something was welling up from inside of me. "Tweak? We are going to be satisfied with "tweaking"? We are going to invest all this money and brainpower and be satisfied with "tweaking?" My outburst completed, I took a deep breath and sat back. 

I love this team I am on and as we continued to talk, no, none of us will be satisfied with tweaking. 

But here is the important bit: I tapped into my own passion. I was reminded of how much I care about making a difference. I reconnected to my guidepost that my work be meaningful. How I spend my time matters. That energy carried me through the rest of the day. 

This is what I love about being in relationship with others. It opens me up. It connects me to what is real. What is here. What is possible. 

 

I don’t micro-manage…!

Is this you? Do you take pride in this fact? You probably had a boss who micro-managed you and you vowed never to do that to your people. 25 years ago, I worked for an incredibly visionary leader to whom my highest praise was, “You gave me enough rope to swing on but not enough on which to hang myself.” None of us want to feel the boss breathing down our neck and judging us at every turn.

 

However… (you knew that was coming). Ask yourself honestly if any of the following might also be true:

 

• You play traffic cop often- your people come to you with questions about priorities and workload management
• You spend a lot of time resolving conflicts and disputes between your people
• People are confused about their role or responsibility
• Your team is totally aligned with each other- in their concerns about you

 

A successful team leader does not micro-manage. You are right. But if the sum total of your success is based on what you don’t do….well—you know it is not enough.

 

A successful team leader actively builds the collective capacity of the team

 

A few more questions:

 

1.  Do you regularly bring your people together to take the pulse of the group as a whole? To think together?
2. Do you have agreed upon ways of working and acknowledged strategies for when things don’t work?
3. Do you have protocols for handling conflict?
4. Do you have tools for creating alignment among the group?

If you answered no to any of these, or if you are not sure what I am talking about the email me. Today’s leaders need to be able to form teams that are inspired, resilient, and collaborative and results oriented.

 

Don’t you want to be one?