I guess I was wrong...

I hired you and I am your boss.

I assume you have all the skills I attributed to you during the hiring process.

I assume you will watch me like a hawk and approach issues similarly.

I assume you will know what to do when a task falls within your purview. 

I assume that you will deliver results in a timely fashion regardless of external circumstances or delays which emanate from my office.

I assume you will always be honest with me. 

I assume that if you don't know something you will ask and you will learn. 

I assume you care about making me and the team look good.

I assume that the stellar performance I expect of you is unrelated to my leadership or comunication style. 

I assume you will accept changes I put into place and resist changes which I oppose. 

I assume you do not need regular acknowledgement or mawkish expressions of appreciation. 

oops...my bad.

 

I don't know.

I'm going to take a radical stance on this expression.

It is evil.

It is insidious.

It is passive agressive. 

It is false.

(Except when it isn't. Of course there are things you don't know. Like where the black holes are and why they even matter. Wait, you know? Can you call me?)

I watched an interaction between a manager and her direct report. The employee was angry. He cut her off numerous times. He asked sarcastic questions. He attacked and blamed. And when he was asked, "What do you need?" He said...."I don't know". 

I was incredulous. Really? What is that about? And where can this relationship go if the angry party can't ask for what he needs?

It drives my son crazy when I ask him a question about what he wants or what he needs and he says, "I don't know" and I respond, "Pretend you know. What would you say?"

It might drive you crazy too. 

And yet, most of the time when we say, "I don't know" in response to a question about our own feelings or needs- we are lying. We do know. But we don't feel comfrotable saying it. Maybe it is hard even to admit to ourselves. Maybe we are worried about repercussions. Maybe we like the power that comes from witholding. 

Are you struggling with this? Well you can call me too. 

 

Promise leads to Partnership

A work team is in trouble. They are under a lot of pressure to "get it right". Getting it right in this case means, accuracy, efficiency and most difficult- getting the rest of the organization to change the way certain processes have always been done. 

They don't agree on much. Trust has eroded. Competing priorities are wreaking havoc on results. And no one is very happy to come to work every morning. 

My work with this team began by helping the group to articulate some agreement for how they will work together. They were asked to make a verbal committment to each other to honor these agreements.

At the end of our first session- they each looked each other in the eye to seal the agreement.  It was both solemn and joyful. It was the moment when they turned a corner. They took their first steps toward repair. 

It's Painstaking Work

Have you ever watched a programmer coding?

On a recent 6 hour flight I watched a woman coding a website.  (At least, I think that is what she was doing.) She would type a few keystrokes into a window that had lines and lines of text, then check another window with what looked like a website and see the impact. Back and forth. Back and forth. For hours.

That is what programmers and designers do, right? Somehow we expect certain kinds of work to require patience and repetition and revision. Architects come to mind, and engineers. Accountants? 

And yet when it comes to working with people- our peers, our bosses, our employees...we just want them to "get it". We don't want to repeat ourselves. We don't want to have to work through slow change efforts and revised approaches. 

Who are we kidding? People are infinitely more complex than numbers and code. And far more unpredictable.

And far more valuable. 

So keep in mind: Patience my dear friends, patience. 

Are you "sort of" hedging?

I have just listened to the recordings of three calls I facilitated. I was mortified to discover that I use the expression, "sort of" almost as much as my teen-aged boys say, "like" or "so...yeah". 

And then I noticed I wasn't the only one. 

Now I hear it everywhere. 

This phrase weakens what I am saying. It makes me sound tentative. And sort of weak...so yeah. 

The definition is "to some extent". How is that for equivocating? Is it or isn't it What do you think? What do I think? 

I could substitute the expression for the adverb: rather. "It is rather obnoxious, wouldn't you say?" It sounds more elegant- begs a British accent, in fact. But really, it is still paltering. (Now there is a word I have to use more!) 

I am putting a stake in the ground for clear and confident speech. I will say what I think and what I feel. I will say it respectfully. I will say it transparently. 

And I can be wrong. (Let's face it, I will be wrong a lot of the time.) I can apologize. I can take it back. I can re-think. I can be influenced by you. 

Are you with me? Sort of? 

Hard Truths

In the past month I have encountered a school, a healthcare company and a large non-profit all experiencing communication breakdown. By which I mean, people at all levels of the organization are not having direct conversations with each other. And when they are, they are being less than honest. They are talking about each other, not to each other.

“Can you believe s/he...”
“I am so frustrated with...”
“How could s/he have been promoted?”

They are seeking out managers and supervisors.

“You really need to do something about...”
“S/he is ruining the morale in...”

There are many reasons why this could be happening. Let me mention two. Your people might be thinking...

• If I take my issue up with the person directly, I might have to change too. I might have to be part of the solution.
• If I speak directly, I might face an angry response or even retaliation. We would find ourselves in conflict and things would get worse not better.

  
  Can you hear the sense of defeat and the fear underlying these? There is also powerlessness and a lack of trust.

  If you are a leader in your organization, noticing this same behavior, you probably already know that you can’t mandate it out of existence. Simply telling everyone to stop back channel conversations and work things out with each other directly is pretty useless. What you really need to do is tackle the underlying obstacles.

  1. It goes without saying that the first place to look is in the mirror. What are you modeling? What are you afraid of? What do you need to learn how to do? Having trouble being honest with yourself? Get a coach!

  2. You may need to help your people develop better communication and conflict resolution skills? First name the problem to your people. Come right out and say what you are seeing and why you feel it is tearing at the fabric of your organization. Then bring in some outside expertise to jump-start the process and continue to provide group opportunities to practice. Here are some resources to explore:

  Fierceinc.: Susan Scott’s organization gives your people a no nonsense approach to developing the skills that build powerful organizations.

  The Center for Non Violent Communication: A deeply respectful approach to communication. You can request a certified trainer to come to your organization.

  

  3. Read Five Dysfunctions of a Team together. Use the self-assessment in the back of the book. Work through each level of the model beginning with trust.

  There is no quick fix on this issue and there is no way around—only through. There will be discomfort and there will be growth. And when there is growth, there is a healthy organization.

  

PATCHWORK

: something composed of miscellaneous or incongruous parts :

I prefer the antonym. I am thinking of words like integrity, cohesion, blended.

I am looking at this beautiful art work of Cheryl Sorg's. (She inspires me --that is for another post.) I actually own a small piece of patchwork collage made by Cheryl that is hanging in my office. And right now PATCHWORK feels like a generative way of thinking about my life. 

My career life's work, over time and in present day has been a juxtaposition of different roles, different contexts, different ways of contributing and collaborating. 

Any given day is a patchwork of people, places and activities. 

My brain is a patchwork of texts, melodies, new thoughts and memories. 

My heart is a patchwork of emotions.

This is important to me because patchwork (as so beautifully illustrated by Cheryl Sorg) is thoughtful and coherent. There is reason and meaning. 

Each element is important in its own right. And together it is a creation- in the divine sense of that word.

It is a thing of beauty. 

Does the metaphor work for you? If not, what would you suggest?