Lingering in the Longing

I think I have been making a study of longing. 
Not intentionally- not at first. 

For years I have been living in the longing for a life I intend to have in Israel. I experience it as a deep gash in my chest. A place opened up, raw ...impossible to stitch neatly back. The longing periodically goes into hiding when I have the chance to spend time in Israel. I come alive then in a new way. Like when my screen brightens as I plug the power source back in. And then the longing returns. It comes in waves. I actually feel a little off balance when it recedes even a bit. I depend on it. It defines me.

 

When my sister died last year, a new longing came to sit beside a more familiar one. I knew the longing for a BFF relationship with my sister. I wanted easy and 'oh by the way...' and 'oops- gotta go TTYL'. And then she was truly gone. And then longing became a roiling in my gut and a tingling in my brain. A hug remembered. Hopes dashed. Missed opportunities. I fed the longing by writing letters that would never be read. Dreams. Oh the dreams. 

 

And now I set my intention on indulging in more time outside in nature. And more time engaged with texts that give my life meaning. And I watch. I see that these activities are not far from me. And my feet get stuck in the carpet. I don't move even as I feel the urge...the longing. I am literally standing still and I am getting to know a new longing. I welcome this one too. Not sure yet where it will lodge in my body. Not sure I want us to become too familiar. 

What comes after the longing?