Billy Joel & Relationshiip Personas [relationship]

It was then I felt the stranger
Kick me right between the eyes

On a recent plane ride, I sat across the aisle from a married couple. Before the doors had closed and while people were still using cell phones, the man was talking on the phone to someone who sounded like his business partner. He seemed easygoing and had a sense of humor about a challenge they were facing. He even spent a few minutes inquiring about his partner’s family.

We were then instructed to turn off all electronic devices, and the man readily complied. I tried to settle into my book when suddenly I heard him yelling at his wife. Without repeating their conversation, suffice it to say that this was a totally different man than the one I heard a few moments ago. His tone was contemptuous, and he attacked his wife without ever giving her an opening to respond. I actually had to force myself to turn away when I realized I was staring dumbfounded.

Some are satin; some are steel
Some are silk, and some are leather
They’re the faces of the stranger
But we love to try them on

This was a pretty extreme transformation. And yet, the truth is that we all have so many different parts of ourselves. Often, some parts go into hiding in our most precious relationships. Do you have a different persona at work? At your gym? With your best friend? That doesn’t mean you switch consciously (although you might). Think about it–if you have to run outside for a minute, you just grab the pair of shoes that are at the door. You don’t go up to your closet and consider which pair would be most fitting for getting the mail or bringing the garbage out. We all fall into comfortable habits. And so in our relationships, we take on the persona that is most familiar and closest to the surface.


Did you ever let your lover see
The stranger in yourself?

If we were to take some time to notice, we would realize that we have so many secret selves clamoring to come out and play. When was the last time your partner connected with your spontaneous self? Your creative and energized self? Your romantic self? When was the last time you dusted off the courageous kid who would jump off the top bar of the jungle gym? Or the one who danced unabashedly?

You may never understand
How the stranger is inspired
But he isn’t always evil
And he is not always wrong

You may be thinking that not all of those hidden selves are fit for human consumption. How about that bitchy self of yours? How could that be good for your relationship? Well, my guess is that your bitchy self is just an act. She may present herself that way because she is frustrated that she never gets a say. There is a deeper and beautiful essence even to her. Stop and listen to what she is saying. My guess is that there is a clarity and strength to her that would be wonderful to bring to your relationship.

You’ll give in to your desire
When the stranger comes along.

Start paying attention to all those secret selves of yours, and play with them. Give them some expression. Consciously choose to bring them into your relationship, and watch how things shift. Notice who comes out to play in your partner when you introduce him to more of you. It could be magical or it could be comical. You may even be able to teach Billy Joel a thing or two about relationships.