Living Together & Feeling Distant [relationship]

You Build Expectations in your Head…

6:00 p.m: Your husband and son are at a physical therapy session. You like that this creates some bonding time for them. As you close down your computer, you imagine that they will come home and you will give your husband a kiss and talk about your day. (You have already seen your son today and he will be off to finish his homework). Your husband will be happy to just unwind with you — cuddle and talk. He has been a little under the weather and feels like you haven’t really been there for him. You have been busy and distracted lately and you know it will feel good to set aside this time to be together.

Then Real Life Intervenes

8:00 p.m: It’s already an hour later than you expected your husband and son to return. You want to get to bed early because you want to get up for your 5:30 spin class. You had been sitting in the living room watching Seinfeld reruns. Now you go up to change for bed. You notice that your son’s laptop is open and when you casually go over to it you see he has put a lock on his screen. You start obsessing about what untrustworthy things he is doing. You lie in bed, pretending to read, all the while preoccupied with how to have the conversation with your son.

You Get Caught in the Act of Missing your Opportunity

8:40 p.m: As soon as you hear the key in the lock you call your son (in a slightly menacing tone — after all, you’ve been stewing for awhile) to come to your room so you can talk to him. Meanwhile, your husband comes in and you barely glance his way. You strike a balanced tone with your son between concern and levity. Phew, the connection isn’t broken. After your son has left, your husband says, “Hi to you too!” in the tone that says, “Don’t I count around here?”

You Dig a Deeper Hole for Yourself

9:00 p.m: Your husband is moving around the closet, changing his clothes and you sit in bed and say nothing. He goes downstairs to check his e-mail. You reluctantly get out of bed and call down to him, “What are your plans tonight?” The response is clipped, “What do you want?” WHAT? Okay, you say, all you wanted was a little time to connect and he seems to see you as an intrusion. Fine, be that way!

9:15 p.m You turn off the lights and go to bed fuming, upset and feeling very sorry for yourself.

A New Day

7:00 a.m You come back from your class feeling great! Your husband comes downstairs, putting on his sneakers for his own run. He smiles at you, asks how you slept. You ask him how he is feeling too. You sit side by side for a minute and he tells you he had lunch with a mutual friend and he has lots to catch you up on. You make a date to talk over dinner.

All’s well that ends well? Well, more work could have been done beforehand. Here are 4 suggestions for this couple to keep moving forward:

· Tell each other what you want — directly.
“Let’s make some time for each other tonight okay?” or “I really wish you would say hello to me when I come home.”

· Share your feelings, not your accusations.
“I have been missing the times when we just talk and reconnect” Instead of, “You never make time for me anymore.”

· Respond to the facts, not your fear.She heard him yell, “What do you want?” and made a whole bunch of assumptions about what that meant. The facts are that he is downstairs, she is upstairs and he said, “What do you want?” Another fact is that she didn’t respond. Now what is the story that will bring this couple together?

· Prioritize the marriage.
It’s easy to fall into the habit of just being parents. What your kids need more than anything is the model of a healthy and connected marriage.

Does the scene feel all too familiar? Have you struggled with some of these issues? Let us know.