Power Tools for Leadership: Don't Just Say No [leadership]

I want to tell you about a tool called, The Positive No coined by William Ury, Director of the Global Negotiation Project at Harvard, in his book The Power of a Positive No. I have been astounded by the number of times I have applied this tool in the last month.

A board asks its executive director to take on additional responsibilities as budgets are cut and positions are lost.

A leadership team wants to censure an employee in a way that runs counter to the director’s ethical standards.

A lawyer counsels a small business owner that he needs to license his product.

In all these cases, my clients wanted to say ‘no.’ No to taking on additional responsibilities, no to an unethical censure and no to licensing. The key word here is ‘wanted.’ Is it okay to say no? All the what-if’s start showing up: What if I lose my job? What if my team rebels and stops producing? What if the lawyer is right? In all cases, Ury says we can fall into a trap:

The Trap of the 3 A’s
We accommodate as in, “Sure, whatever you say.” This inevitably leads to resentment.

We attack as in, “Over my dead body! I’m in charge here.” This escalates conflict and tension.

We avoid as in, “I am not going to say anything and hope this whole issue disappears.” This results in festering problems that erupt.

Ury’s approach is deceptively simple. He says that a positive no has three elements: Yes! No. Yes? Let’s quickly review them.

Yes!
Every ‘no’ has a deeper yes. Imagine the roots of a tree. This deeper yes is comprised of the interests, values and needs that ground you in something positive. Something you stand for and believe in. Something that nourishes and sustains you. For the executive director being asked to take on additional responsibilities, his deeper yes was his commitment to serving the population his organization was created to serve. Taking on additional responsibilities would mean the core mission of the organization would be compromised and people would not be served.

Some tips on the Yes!

Communicate your deeper yes before you say ‘no.’

Be respectful: Your deeper yes is a shield that protects your values, not a sword to be brandished at your opponent.

Acknowledge that you may not agree and look for shared interests.

No.
Your ‘No’ is the trunk of your tree. It is stable and unmoving, grounded as it is in deep roots of commitment. The executive director’s ‘no’ was to taking on additional responsibilities.

Some tips on the No.

Create a Plan B. Be prepared with a strategy you can implement if your ‘no’ is rejected. This can vary from leaving the organization to enlisting allies to withdrawing your cooperation—the key is to have a plan you are fully prepared to implement. Which leads to the next tip...

Don’t threaten. Neither your ‘no’ nor your Plan B is a threat; it is a confidence building move for yourself. It means you don’t have to punish the other person when things don’t go your way. You simply implement your Plan B.

Educate. Explain the reality you see unfolding if your no is rejected.

Yes?
The process ends with a yes because what you want is for the other person to accept your ‘no,’ without closing down communication or feeling disrespected or rejected. Imagine the branches and leaves of a tree reaching out for agreement and the preservation of a relationship. For the executive director, this meant acknowledging the board’s concerns, offering alternative approaches to managing the additional responsibilities and suggesting ways to sell this approach to key donors.

Some tips on the Yes?

Listen and acknowledge the other side

Suggest a problem solving approach

Be respectful and constructive

If you are beginning to imagine how you might use this tool in your own life, read the book. It is a small book that is well organized and offers so much more than space allows here.

Let me leave with you a quote from the book:

“Every day each of us is faced with choices, small and large, where saying Yes to one choice means having to say No to others. Only by saying No to competing demands for your time and energy can you create space for the Yeses in your life, the people and activities that really matter the most to you. Here is the paradoxical secret: you cannot truly say Yes until you can truly say No.”