Gremlin Taming: Learning to Relax into Presence [life]

uptight, adjective
1. Nervously tense, irritable, or angry
2. unable to express one’s feelings

Think of a person you have difficulty being with. Notice what happens to your body, your muscles. Notice your breathing. Check your heart rate. When we are uptight, we are not really engaging with the person in front of us. We are actually having an entire conversation with ourselves (I can’t believe I have to be here, this person is just tolerating me, I am afraid I will do something stupid, I want to scream…).

Now think of a person you love, one you feel truly at home with. Your soul-mate, your best bud. What shifts? Do a quick body scan. Imagine yourself standing in front of this person. Where is your attention? The chances are that you are completely focused on the human being in front of you. You are present with them and not lost in an internal dialogue. You are open to whatever comes next in the interaction.


ZEN THOUGHTS
Rick Carson, tells us that at those moments when we notice ourselves tensing up, the most important thing to do is Simply Notice it. He offers us the Zen Theory of Change:

I free myself
Not by trying to free myself
But by simply noticing how I am imprisoning myself
In the very moment in which I am imprisoning myself

Once we can create some space from our visceral reaction, we can choose how to proceed. One important goal is to have a more authentic encounter with the other person. The problem is that when we are all uptight, we are not really engaging with them because our focus is not on them but on our beliefs about them (in our head). And they are not really engaging with us because we are otherwise occupied with the voices in our own head! So the first step is to give this relationship a chance by actually being there to have the relationship and see what shows up.

TIPS FOR TAMING THE GREMLIN
Here are two quick suggestions to ground yourself as offered in A Master Class in Gremlin Taming by Rick Carson.

1. Change your breathing! Start breathing in even, relaxed breaths and consciously relax your muscles.
2. Bring your attention to the person in front of you and away from your internal chatter about the person.

And here are Carson’s steps for really trying to connect with someone you are struggling with:

Simply Notice what are you feeling, remembering, observing?
Describe this to the other person in simple, clear “I” statements.
Hush, Breathe and Listen to whatever comes next. Know that you don’t need any particular response from the other person; you have done your part. Just stay silent, breathe calmly and listen to whatever comes next. Whatever you hear back, you simply start back with step one and simply notice….